DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received the following from the grown children of a close friend. Is this the trend now, and is it proper?

"Mom and Dad will be celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary this fall. At their request, we will not be having a formal reception, although they have always loved a great party.

"We will be taking a family trip in the spring, and we have planned a secret little getaway for our parents in the fall. We would love to present them with a memory book of cards, stories and pictures of old times and new. We would like everything by Dec. 1 so we can present them with it at Christmas.

"Also, we would love to give Mom and Dad a gift card that they can use to make their trip extra special. I will collect money and purchase the gift card; please make checks payable to (Name) if you would like to contribute."

This couple took an Alaskan cruise in September, and they are going on another short trip next week, so I'm not sure what trip this gift card is supposed to finance. Anyway, I'd like your view on this.

GENTLE READER: This appeal does not touch your heart, Miss Manners gathers. Hers, either.

When you consider how we can help those less fortunate, "extra spending money while taking a cruise" may not be at the top of the list. For adult children to give this to their parents is different.

But that is not quite the case here. They want to present their parents with Christmas and anniversary gifts, but they want you to provide them both, donating your time and money in the process.

If you want to give presents to your close friend, surely you can do so on your own, without using the children as a front.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have been invited to the wedding of a couple in their mid-20s. I'm irked at the dress code stated on the details card. I have no issue with the "semiformal attire" request, but it goes on to say, "neutrals/earth tones encouraged."

The couple has a rather large wedding party, and I'm sure the attendants will all be dressed according to the bride's preferred color scheme. But to ask the same of the guests seems pretentious. I feel it says, "I don't trust that you won't show up in a garish, distasteful outfit that will ruin the aesthetic perfection of my day."

I realize using the word "encouraged" makes the request sound completely optional. But is it really? Could I really show up in a very tasteful, yet very pink, dress?

I've looked it up online, and apparently this goes on all the time! What's your take on this, dear Miss Manners?

GENTLE READER: Halloween is coming up. If this couple wants to throw a costume party, that's their chance.

A wedding, however, is a ceremony, not a theatrical production. Wedding guests are not extras who should report to the costume department. The only guidance they need is the degree of formality.

Presuming that your pink dress meets that standard, Miss Manners imagines it would look lovely against that earth-tone background.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If guests leave stray items behind -- an umbrella, for example, or, more frequently among the younger generation, their expensive refillable water bottles -- how long am I obligated to hold on to these items for the owner to retrieve?

As hostess, am I obligated to track down the owners and notify them of their oversight? This becomes a problem when my teen and young adult children's friends leave behind those designer water bottles that they all carry, apparently prepared for some devastating drought between their homes and ours.

I have a drawer teeming with water bottles no one ever reclaims, plus the odd umbrella or glove by my front door.

When can I politely discard these items? And if I have discarded items after a reasonable time, and then someone inquires after their belongings, what is the best response?

GENTLE READER: Sending out an initial inquiry about the lost item to your guest list is kind -- and a task to be given to your children, if the objects belong to their friends.

But if there is no response, or a reasonable amount of time (a few weeks, at most) passes without retrieval, Miss Manners gives you permission to dispose of the objects. At which point you may say, if asked, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought you had given up on that bottle."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend "Agnes" and her husband wanted to see my friend "Axel," as well as his house. So Agnes asked me to ask Axel to have the three of us over for dinner.

Axel lives alone, is not very sociable and does not entertain, so instead, I asked him if he'd be willing to have us over for drinks -- of which I would supply a good portion. He agreed, and then spent a lot of time worrying over it: cleaning his house and shopping for just the right drinks and snacks.

On the morning of the gathering, Agnes called me to tell me that she and her husband had to cancel because their daughter had shown up unexpectedly for the weekend, and they wanted to spend the time with her instead. (The daughter would not have wanted to go to Axel's for drinks.)

I worried that this would greatly hurt Axel's feelings, so I asked Agnes if I could instead say that her husband was ill. Well, Agnes got very angry and said that anyone would understand that having a daughter visiting would be a perfectly valid reason for canceling a date.

I'm feeling resentful at Agnes's behavior all around, and would be interested in your take on this.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners' take is that no good comes from mediating a secondhand invitation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite way to get a cashier to stop talking and just handle your order? I've had them launch into long talks about the stuff I've purchased, the weather, their kids and pets, etc. As they talk, they slow down on scanning and bagging my purchase.

Without ruining their day, is there a polite, non-crotchety way to get them to just shut up and do their job?

GENTLE READER: "How interesting. Sorry, I am in a hurry today, but could perhaps hear more another time." And when another time comes, Miss Manners suggests you find another cashier.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct response to a critical unsolicited letter?

I am in my 30s, and sadly have been estranged from my parents for the past few years due to abuse. I periodically receive long, scathing letters from people I've never met, and from distant family members who think I should give my parents another chance. Presumably, my parents have asked them to send these letters, as they contain many misperceptions about the situation.

What is the etiquette here? I do not think it is appropriate to discuss the situation with them, and my first inclination is to not respond. But I also want to do the right thing. Most of these letters come from members of an older generation, who may care more about etiquette.

Do proper manners require you to respond to every letter you receive? Or are there some situations that supersede the rules?

GENTLE READER: Members of a generation who care more about etiquette would not write rude, impertinent letters in the first place.

Miss Manners assures you that you do not need to answer. But if you are worried about fueling the feud further, you may write back a curt, "Thank you for the advice. I hope you are well."

That this is perfectly polite, but might make them madder, is a bonus.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our friends' daughter is getting married this summer to a very nice person. We are very happy for both of them, but the parents have made it clear that the wedding is going to be very small and we are not invited.

That is completely fine with us, and we did not have any bad feelings about it. However, yesterday, my husband found out that the parents are planning a "reception," to take place a few weeks later. The reception is actually going to be a meat raffle to raise money for the couple to pay for their honeymoon.

Is this a new trend? I am not comfortable with it.

GENTLE READER: What this family is planning is not a reception, but a fundraiser featuring themselves as the charity.

Miss Manners shares your discomfort and assures you that you do not have to participate. Unless you are in desperate need of overpriced raffle meat.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Cooking is one of my passions, and I love to share my food with others. And while I love positive feedback, I am sometimes taken aback by the automatic request for a recipe as soon as someone compliments something I've made.

Unfortunately, I do not use recipes. I am an intuitive cook, who many times throws things together. I have explained several times to these people that I do not use recipes, but continue to get asked.

I am not a curmudgeon, and not trying to keep my creations' ingredients secret; I just don't have the time, energy or memory to remember everything that went into a dish. What would be a good response to the constant, "This is delicious. Recipe, please!"?

GENTLE READER: "I made it up and don't have one. But I'm flattered that you liked it so much. You'll just have to come over again and I'll try to re-create it."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)