DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I fly, I choose the aisle seat because I don't want to feel "hemmed in," as I do in the window and middle seats. But inevitably, the person in the window seat in my row puts the shade down so they can sleep. This makes me feel a little claustrophobic.

I have learned to grin and bear it, but it is annoying and feels rude. The window occupant never asks if it is OK with the rest of us in the row to close the shade.

Is the window occupant the sole ruler of the shade? Do I have a right to ask for it to stay open? What is the etiquette here?

GENTLE READER: There are so few comforts to flying these days that Miss Manners is inclined to be indulgent on the small perks afforded to any given seat.

In her opinion, the advantages to each are as follows: The aisle has leg room and bathroom access, the middle gets right of first refusal to the armrests, and the window seat affords privacy and, well, the window.

If anyone wants access to another's benefits, we have to work together (although Miss Manners has noticed that on some flights and at certain times, window shade status is mandated by airline staff). As long as everyone is polite, each may ask the other for whatever they like.

And then all of us have to adjust when the airlines change their rules at whim.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Since the pandemic, I have put on weight, and I've gotten a number of comments about it from workmates and friends. Some people will blurt something out thoughtlessly, but I've had a number of more deliberate comments that have really hurt my feelings.

For example, a cousin pointed out that I looked ... (insert meaningful pause) ... "well." Someone at work once asked me, "Wow, have you lost weight?" to trap me into embarrassing myself. (They knew very well that I hadn't.)

To be honest, I am happier now than I have been for many years: I went to a doctor to get help with my sleep issues, I am working on my anxiety and I had some of my teeth capped. I feel better about myself now, and don't want to be body-shamed anymore.

Please help me with how best to respond. These comments shouldn't bother me, but they really hurt my feelings.

GENTLE READER: It is impolite to comment on someone's weight in any form, but Miss Manners would be remiss if she did not point out that the two examples you give are not, in and of themselves, insults. Or if they were, attempts were made to politely disguise them. She simply wishes to caution you against looking for insults or subtext if there is a chance that none was intended.

Nevertheless, you may object to any comments on your appearance with a curt, "How kind of you to notice" -- followed by the "meaningful pause" that your cousin so pointedly used.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a proper reaction to people who brutally insult or criticize you, but immediately follow it up with "just kidding"?

My wife's sister uses the phrase constantly. On a recent visit, she disapproved of the meal, noted my recent 10-pound weight gain and disliked our new sofa -- she wasn't asked for her opinion on any of these things -- and then said she was joking. I don't find it funny.

GENTLE READER: Justifying rudeness by accusing the victim of not getting the joke is indecent. It is also not the act of a person who is genuinely funny.

Miss Manners therefore counsels you to ignore the insult implied with each "just kidding" instance -- namely, that you have no sense of humor -- and let your unamused demeanor make clear what you think of the overt ones.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've been training my dog not to lunge on the leash whenever we pass another dog. Toward this end, when another dog is approaching us, I'll pull my puppy girl off the sidewalk, get her attention, make her sit, then give her treats.

Fortunately, my doggie will do anything for a treat. Unfortunately, the other dog walker in this equation almost always tries to make small talk with me while I'm engaged in this training routine. They approach me and my errant dog, who will again start to lunge, and ask if their dog can meet my dog.

Have I mentioned that my sweet pup weighs 90 pounds and doesn't know her own brute strength? I've been dealing with this by ignoring the other dog walkers, but quite frankly, that feels rude of me. But if I were to split my attention, things could get ugly, as my doggie is prone to meltdowns if she doesn't get her treat.

Is there a polite solution here? I've got it under control otherwise, and my pup is making great progress.

GENTLE READER: Ignoring someone who is speaking to you is rude when a quick response -- "I'm sorry, no. She's not fully trained yet" -- would surely not be a great risk. If you wish to be more emphatic so as to get rid of them sooner, Miss Manners authorizes you to grit your teeth slightly and look as if you are about to be overpowered by your sweet pup.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I commute to work every day on a train, and I am a fast walker. I prefer to hustle across streets and generally time my commute based on my quick walking pace.

I will occasionally leave work with a co-worker who is walking to a train station, or may catch up to someone I know at an intersection on my way in. What are the protocols for walking with or past a colleague?

GENTLE READER: Say hello and apologize that you have to run ahead, as you are late.

While Miss Manners recognizes that this feels less comfortable when the co-worker is the boss instead of your assistant, remember it will be balanced by the pleasure that person will feel that you take your responsibilities so seriously.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I don't understand when someone asks, "Are you busy tomorrow?" or "What are you doing Friday?" If you say "no" or "nothing," it's like you're automatically free to do them a favor. I find this very rude.

If I want to ask for something, I always say, "Are you busy tomorrow? Because I need a ride to the doctor" or whatever.

How do I counter the assumption that since I'm not busy, I want to do something for them? Sometimes I just want to do nothing.

How can I politely tell someone I don't want to watch their kids or go shopping with them?

GENTLE READER: Your complaint is valid, but for consistency, Miss Manners suggests you revise your own script when you are doing the asking. Opening with "Are you busy tomorrow because ... " is what we are trying to stamp out, even if your construction gives the recipient a few seconds to think up a prior commitment.

The answer, when you are asked about your own schedule, is "Why?" -- which Miss Manners instructs you to deliver with a winning smile, not a suspicious sulk.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were invited to my best friend's house to have dinner with her and her cousin. We had only been there a short time when the cousin began berating a church for allowing gay marriage.

I waited for my friend to say something, but she did not. I said, "We disagree about this subject, so let's not discuss religion or politics." I began a conversation about other topics, but the cousin continued to make comments about undocumented people, open borders, school lunches, etc.

The cousin then asked me about my daughter's recent engagement. I said she was with a very nice man originally from Syria. She said that he must be in a terrorist cell. I, of course, said, "Absolutely not."

My friend said nothing. I was in her home and couldn't say what I really wanted to say. We finished our meal quickly and left.

A few days later, I asked my friend why she did not stop the cousin from insulting my family. She denied hearing the insults and gave the excuse that she had had too much wine. My friend was seated beside me and had to have heard the remarks.

My friend said she was sorry, but I am still upset that she didn't defend me. My feelings are deeply hurt and my friendship with her has changed. Should I just get over it?

GENTLE READER: Not being entirely clear what steps are involved in getting over it, Miss Manners takes you to be asking if you should accept your friend's apology, and whether you are right to let it affect the friendship.

The former will depend on how sincere you judge the apology to be, and the latter on how likely she is to place you in a similarly outrageous position in the future.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)