DEAR MISS MANNERS: Lately, people have been saying to me, "It is not my story to tell" when I ask about the welfare of friends who might be having problems, or after I find out something devastating about a friend I care deeply about.

For example, I found out a friend's brother had died. When I asked why no one had told me, I was told, "It's not my story to tell." Same for a friend whose husband was dying. Same for another friend whose mother had died. Same for a friend with dementia.

Do these people think those who are suffering should contact and notify every single person they know?

This answer would only make sense to me if the individual going through something told people not to say anything. This was not the case in the above-mentioned situations.

GENTLE READER: Are you telling Miss Manners that people are resisting gossiping? She is amazed.

But she is also amazed that, when you hear that something devastating happened to your dear friends, you don't get in touch with them. Not to hear the details firsthand, but to offer your sympathy -- and, if warranted, your help.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in a customer service role. I often have people thank me, and I know the appropriate response is "You're welcome."

However, I often have clients express gratitude without actually saying the words "thank you." For example: "I appreciate your assistance with this."

It seems that their gratitude deserves a response, but "you're welcome" feels awkward. Is that the appropriate response? Am I just overthinking this?

GENTLE READER: Yes, you are. But as you are paying attention to the wording, rather than simply completing a rote exchange, you can vary your response. For example: "I was happy to be of assistance."

Of course, you could reply to all such remarks with "No problem," but that annoys many people. And "My pleasure" annoys Miss Manners.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I enjoy entertaining and cooking for people. When having a formal dinner party or something more casual, I'll always ask if guests care for a second helping.

On more than one occasion, a guest has responded, "No, but I'll take some home with me."

This takes me aback. I like to have leftovers. Also, I dislike packing up food in to-go containers, which I always do when this happens.

Should I just let it go? Or is there a response that doesn't deflate my guest, but gets the point across that my home isn't a carry-out restaurant?

GENTLE READER: If they are going to treat you as a restaurateur -- and Miss Manners has been hearing frequently about this rude request -- you may answer as one: "Sorry, but I don't do takeout."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband passed very suddenly and totally unexpectedly. Two months later, my cousin had a wedding.

As I was still in mourning, I wore black. Was it improper for me to wear black to the wedding? I was not involved in any aspect of the wedding other than attending.

GENTLE READER: Even under the strictest dress codes, Miss Manners assures you, wearing black at an otherwise festive occasion is permitted during mourning. But nowadays you might find the bridesmaids similarly dressed, even if they are not all recent widows.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a reputation for being a good listener and having a good shoulder to cry on. I am happy to listen to my friends' troubles and offer encouragement when needed.

But there are times when my personal medical issues take all of my time and energy to deal with, and the troubles of others would exhaust my emotional resources.

When a friend who's going through a rough time calls me on a day when I am also having a rough time, how can I respond in a way that will allow me to get the rest I desperately need to recover?

GENTLE READER: Turn off your telephone.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in my 50s, and I have an issue with my best friend of 35 years. We don't live in the same state anymore, but we talk several times a week and try to visit every year.

We are both crafty people. Two years ago, I started making her a big, beautiful, counted cross-stitch, then had it custom-framed. The project took several months and she knew I was making it. I drove six hours each way to deliver my gift to her.

She offered (I didn't ask) to make me a quilt out of T-shirts that I had collected over the years from places I had been. So I cut the logos/graphics off the shirts and mailed them to her. She said it would only take her about a week to make the quilt.

That was two years ago. My friend still has not made the quilt.

I have since moved even farther away, I miss home, and I really want that quilt! I have asked her about it several times. It would mean so much to me -- especially now that I am over 1,000 miles away -- but she just makes empty promises about finishing it. Meanwhile, she has found the time to make other crochet and cross-stitch items for her extended family and to remodel her kitchen.

So now, she has these T-shirt pieces that I cannot replace, and I still have no quilt. I'm very hurt about the whole thing, and I would like to ask her to send the pieces back to me. At least that way, I could hire someone to make me a quilt out of them.

Am I being unreasonable? Should I ask her to send the pieces back to me if she doesn't plan to make my quilt?

GENTLE READER: "Ever since you mentioned that quilt, I have dreamt of having it, with all of those priceless memories, on my wall. But I know how busy you are, so if you wouldn't mind returning the T-shirts, I think I'll take a stab at doing it myself."

And then Miss Manners suggests you send an oversized self-addressed stamped envelope so that your friend has no excuse -- and so that you do not need to travel another 1,000 miles.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I graduated with my Ph.D. two years ago. My friends have been asking me nonstop to come for a visit. However, every time I visit, they just want to go bar-hopping, something I am not a fan of.

Now they are saying if I come visit, they will do something I want, as long as there is a low risk of getting sick, injured or killed. They said no to roller coasters and skydiving.

I have found an option to go cage-diving with great white sharks, no scuba certification required. Would I be in the wrong just to tell them we are going whale-watching, and then once the shore is out of sight, telling them we are actually going diving with sharks?

GENTLE READER: Are you really asking Miss Manners if it is OK to trick your friends into doing something dangerous? What is wrong with just going out for coffee?

She further wonders how your Ph.D. is relevant. But even if it is in "Fear Immersion Therapy," subjecting your friends to things they do not want to do seems cruel and superfluous. Surely catching up on your adventures over the past few years should be thrilling enough.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was at a baby shower for the daughter of a friend. The venue was beautiful, and they had a corner set up with very nice decorations and a lovely bench. All the gifts were placed in this area.

After the meal, I saw that people began to leave. In conversation with the mother-in-law of the expectant mother, I mentioned, "When she starts to open the gifts ..."

The MIL said that she would not be opening the gifts at the shower; she'd open them at home. She said this was the new thing, although she was not fond of the idea. Of course, I did not say anything.

I have never been to a baby shower where this was done. I know it's common at weddings, but I've not seen it at showers.

I would have expected that since she was not opening the gifts, she would perhaps say something to each guest like "Thank you for coming," "Thank you for the gift" or something to that affect (I hope I don't have my "affect" and "effect" confused!).

She really didn't go over to any of the guests to say "hello, thanks for coming," anything like that. She basically stood with her friends the entire time, talking. This is not a young girl, as she just turned 40. After a while, her husband came and loaded up the gifts.

Is this really how showers are done now? I hope I'm not sounding like a prude for asking.

GENTLE READER: Not at all. Ignoring your guests affects them negatively, which is not usually a host's desired effect. (See what Miss Manners did there?)

Although a shower's main event, if you can call it that, is to open presents, Miss Manners has no objection to skipping it. It hardly qualifies as entertainment, and most of the time, the presents are from a list that everyone has been privy to, anyway.

What Miss Manners does object to is being rude to one's guests. Just because the purpose of the party is to accumulate inventory does not mean that one has to act as if it is.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)