DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've seen you say that we should not correct other people's etiquette, even if they are being rude. In my experience, people do not apply this rule to children.

I am teaching my young children to be polite. The main way I go about it is by modeling how I want them to behave, and it mostly works. I do not force them to say "please" and "thank you" as long as their tone is kind. If they are demanding or yelling, then I will remind them we don't get things when we talk like that.

I am frustrated, though, when other adults correct my children. It is especially irksome when they offer something, like, "Do you want a cracker?" My child replies "yes," and the adult says, "You need to say 'please.'"

They were simply answering a question, and got reprimanded for it. This bothers me every time, but I don't know what to say in the moment. My middle child is 2 and is just learning to speak in full sentences, so I think the expectation is extra absurd.

My mother does this often, but she's the grandma, so I let it slide. However, can you advise me what to say when other adults correct my kids' etiquette when I think they're already being polite?

GENTLE READER: It is true, Miss Manners concedes, that no one -- excepting close family -- should be correcting your children's manners. But as you came to her for advice, she will be so bold as to modify yours.

Tone is certainly important when asking for and receiving things, but saying "please" and "thank you" is still necessary -- especially in children, where intonation is more difficult to modulate. She further points out that "please" is no more difficult to say than "yes" or "no" -- and even more adorable when lisped or mispronounced.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A man with whom I have a professional relationship (he is the counsel to my company) repeatedly misspells my name. It is a common name that has two recognized spellings -- e.g., Ann and Anne. I gently corrected him in an email and he spelled it correctly for a while, then went back to the misspelling.

This is really annoying me, given my request and the fact that I sign every email with my correctly spelled name. What do you suggest?

GENTLE READER: Signing future emails "Anne with an E."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Almost every time that someone pays the restaurant tab, it prompts vigorous protests from others at the table, with people sometimes even trying to grab the check to prevent the person from paying.

I find myself making up excuses when I pay, such as saying, "This is for your birthday," even if the birthday is long past, or approaching the waiter clandestinely to pay the check without my friends knowing it.

When a friend recently picked up the tab, I found myself feeling like I should protest, because that is the usual pattern. What is the appropriate response? Is it wrong to simply say, "Thank you, that is very generous/kind" or something similar?

GENTLE READER: Adding, Miss Manners suggests, "Next time, it is my turn." And then keeping track, at least loosely.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 10-year-old grandson decided to have his stuffed animals -- a raccoon, a monkey, a bunny rabbit and an octopus -- "spy" on me. They are put in places where they can "watch" me. (I should add that the animals do not have any embedded cameras or recording equipment.)

My wife of 40 years goes along with this. I put the animals away, but she brings them back, maybe even hiding them better.

I have never seen this issue addressed before. How do I get my grandson and wife to stop having these animals spy on me? I am 67 years old, a retired attorney and a minister. I do not need watching!

GENTLE READER: The monkey says otherwise.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My best friend since childhood is getting married in about six months' time. We were a couple from the ages of 14 to 21, and now we are in our mid-20s. It was an amicable breakup: I joined the Navy and he wanted to settle down. No romantic feelings remain on either side.

He asked me to attend his wedding as his "best woman." I, of course, accepted. I bear no ill will toward him or his future bride and only wish to see him happy.

Last week, his fiancee pulled me aside at a dinner party I was hosting to congratulate them and requested I make up an excuse as to why I can't attend the wedding. She doesn't want me in the wedding party, but she doesn't want to anger him by not including me. She doesn't even want me to attend.

Miss Manners, as he is my dear friend, I have contributed a great deal to his wedding, financially and time-wise.

I am no marriage counselor, but this doesn't seem right to me. I would feel horrid lying to my best friend, but I also don't want to ruin their relationship or his special day. What should I do?

GENTLE READER: This is the bride's problem, not yours. Because even if you complied, we all know it would not end with the wedding.

Are you going to be forced to make up an excuse every time your best friend asks you to socialize? Not to mention the fact that the lie would be exposed eventually and likely ruin both relationships -- yours and theirs.

Therefore, Miss Manners suggests you say: "I am not going to lie to my friend. If you do not wish to have me there, then it is up to you to tell him why. Of course, I will comply with whatever you both agree to."

Then you might want to check if your wedding contributions are refundable.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite, inoffensive way to decline a handshake? It seems that the practice is returning post-pandemic.

I have late-stage cancer and arthritis. Handshakes are painful. They can also spread germs, and it may take weeks for me to recover from a cold.

I thoroughly enjoy people, but don't care for the practice of shaking hands.

GENTLE READER: "I'm sorry, but I don't want to give you something." That the "something" is your hand may be kept between you and Miss Manners.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a child with a few food allergies. They're not life-threatening, but they still constrain his dietary choices on a daily basis.

When I host parties, I mention these allergies to friends and family and ask that if they're inclined to bring food, they avoid bringing anything containing those allergens. Guests sometimes ignore my request and not only bring foods that I ask them not to, but also insist that I serve what they brought -- something like festive holiday desserts that they went out of their way to produce or procure.

How do I respond that I won't serve something that, at worst, can cause an allergic reaction in my son, and at best will make him feel excluded at a celebration?

GENTLE READER: If the goal is to shame your guests -- always good sport in some quarters -- Miss Manners feels you are squandering an opportunity by suggesting that they bring food. Those who thought they were guests will feel a greater burden at having to follow rules about what they bring. Better to spring it on them when they arrive.

Best of all, of course, would be to resist any pressure to serve guest-supplied treats and, if they will not take no for an answer, take them aside and explain the problem to them in private.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I see out-of-office replies and hear voicemail messages that say, "I will get back to you at my earliest convenience."

It seems to me that they are saying they will call when it is convenient for them to do so, giving no priority to returning my call. What is the best wording for these outgoing messages?

GENTLE READER: Although she is not inclined to parse such well-worn phrases too closely, Miss Manners agrees that having the recipient borrow a phrase that was traditionally spoken by the caller (as in, "Please call me back at your earliest convenience") does change the meaning. Promising to return the call as soon as possible gives the hope that one will be making a greater effort.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently used a relatively new service provided by a greeting card company: After purchasing a birthday card online, there is an option to include a handwritten note that is then printed on the card.

The site asks that you take a picture of your note and upload it to the website. From there, you can crop it, make adjustments and align it on the card. The final product looks personalized. The retailer then mails the card directly to the recipient.

Normally I would, of course, do this myself, but in this instance, the date approached before I was able to get to the store. I was wondering how Miss Manners feels about using this type of service.

GENTLE READER: Being more interested in the etiquette than the technology, Miss Manners grudgingly admits (because she does like paper) that this form of handwritten note is still a handwritten note -- and therefore more gracious than a form card. She will not, however, go so far as to confuse personalized with personal.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)