DEAR MISS MANNERS: I refused to go to a fundraiser this year because the food was so bad last year, and because the cost of the dinner was over and above the donations. I decided, with so many charities to choose from, to donate elsewhere.

My friends disagree and feel that a terrible meal is what should be expected at a fundraiser. I feel it's disrespectful to the donors. Your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Although your friends are not alone in their opinion, Miss Manners hopes fundraisers will not rely on such illogical passivity. If the event is not a reward to the donors for their donations, what purpose does it serve -- other than to spend some of the money that could have been directed to the organization's cause?

Either way, you are free to donate, or not, where you choose.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am not a hugger. I have never enjoyed being subjected to the multitude of hugs that my family, friends, co-workers and sometimes even acquaintances feel are appropriate. The other day, a friend I met for coffee swooped in for hugs upon greeting and again when saying goodbye.

I am fed up with these huggers. It would be one thing if they paused ahead of time so you could gently divert the hug, but no -- they seem to swoop in out of nowhere.

Could you give me some ideas on how to politely avoid these episodes of forced intimacy? The only person I want to hug is my husband.

GENTLE READER: You are in luck. These days, one need only pull back, cough slightly, and apologize that you are not feeling 100%.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is dating a young man whom I could believe had been raised in a barn. He has no manners.

As an example, when he has eaten at our house, I've been told that what I serve "isn't enough" and that I need to provide more (two hamburgers instead of one, for example, or bigger steaks than the ones we eat). I was shocked and let my daughter know that he is incredibly rude.

My daughter spoke to him and explained that because her parents (my husband and I) are older parents from a different generation, we have different rules and expectations for dinner manners.

I was furious when I heard this, and I asked my daughter how she would respond if her children behaved this way in front of a host. That was the only way I knew to get across that bad manners and rudeness are wrong regardless of generation.

I agree that some things have been changed, but this? Am I really just an old relic of the past?

GENTLE READER: Yes, manners apply to all generations, but if what you heard was your daughter calling you old, you are as young as you feel -- which, coming from Miss Manners, is not a compliment.

What Miss Manners heard was a polite and clever daughter finding a way to motivate her boyfriend to change his lifelong bad behavior without, herself, being rude -- or requiring him to inquire too closely into his own understanding of the world.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the reason for men removing their hats during the national anthem? Is it to show submission to God, as when entering a church?

If so, what is the etiquette for a Jewish man who shows submission to God by wearing something on his head?

GENTLE READER: Now that people are using the word "literally" when they mean its opposite, it seems to be time for a refresher course in the nonliteral language of symbolism.

Symbolism is a useful way of conveying ideas and rules succinctly. But the symbols are arbitrarily chosen, and we have to agree on what they mean.

For example, we all know that a red traffic light means "stop," a green one means "go," and a yellow one -- well, there seems to be some confusion here. Miss Manners knows people who think it means "speed up," but traffic police disagree.

Whoever invented that system could have designated purple as "stop" and teal as "go." It would work equally well, provided everyone learned and accepted the meanings.

Although the hat symbolism is different, the meaning of each is known to the communities involved, who have the task of explaining it to any outsiders in attendance.

For the national anthem, removing the hat is a symbolic gesture of loyalty to the country.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Since I was a little girl, I have dutifully removed my cap during the national anthem at a ballgame.

Now, someone tells me that women are never supposed to remove their hats during the song. Have I been doing it wrong the last 40 years?

GENTLE READER: Forty years ago, you might have been. No, make that 60 years ago, when anyone other than Miss Manners and horse racing fans might have worn the type of hat to which this rule referred. (That would be something involving straw, flowers, birds, ribbons and whatever else might go into a fetching concoction perched on a lady's head.)

Just as different religions use different symbols (see above), there were different rules for ladies and gentlemen. A lady was not expected to remove her fanciful hat to show respect the way a gentleman was expected to do by removing his much-less-interesting headgear.

But you have been wearing a unisex cap -- presumably a baseball or military cap -- and the rule about ladies' hats does not apply to those. You can congratulate yourself on 40 years of correctness.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper response to someone who uses "I love you" when ending a phone conversation? In the past, this has happened to me when talking with (usually female) acquaintances, but it has just happened with a male client for whom I am a caregiver.

Coming from an inexpressive family, I admit I am just not used to using the phrase so casually. "I love you" is an important and very personal declaration to me -- one I only use with my spouse and my dog.

Do I respond to these strange signoffs with a false declaration of affection, such as "I love you, too"? Or maybe "I'm sure you do" or "Thank you"?

My head spins with possibilities, all of which seem either inappropriate or upsetting to the person who declared this affection.

GENTLE READER: Try "Awwww."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an elected official. Where I serve, it is the custom for elected officials to be addressed by their titles -- for example, "councilor" -- but for staff to be addressed by their first names.

It feels inappropriate for me to be called by my title and then to use first names for other professionals. On the other hand, I feel ridiculous calling people "Mr." or "Ms." when everyone else is using first names.

You have written, "It has always been Miss Manners' belief that respect demands addressing people as they wish to be addressed." If I asked a staff member what they preferred to be called, my assumption is that they would say their first name, but I'm not ready to ask because I feel it would be odd.

Additionally, if I continue using "Mr." and "Ms.," it would likely only affect a few people.

GENTLE READER: As an elected official, you are expected to be a leader, are you not? So why should you feel ridiculous not following what everyone else is doing, if you think it is wrong?

And it is wrong not to accord respect to your staff.

They will not tell you so. For one thing, they are your subordinates. For another, they may believe that informality makes them seem younger, friendlier and more like your equal. (But again -- they are not your friends, however cordial the relationship. They are not equal in the workplace; they are your staff.)

There will likely be much joshing about how old-fashioned you are being. But in fact, the opposite is true.

Traditionally, high-ranking people were addressed with titles, whereas those seen as inferior were addressed with their names -- not just servants and other employees, but all Black people and (except socially) women. That everyone must be treated with respect is a modern concept, however muddied by the concept of universal informality.

There is a reason for a bit of formality in professional manners: If terms of address in the workplace reflected people's true emotions about one another, good or bad, there probably wouldn't be much work getting done.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband grew up in a home where reading over someone's shoulder was considered rude and caused bristling and umbrage. I did not grow up with the same rule, but I can easily refrain from reading over his shoulder when the media involved is printing.

My problem occurs when we're on the couch watching television together and he's reading on his tablet. To my eyes and brain, there are two screens available, grabbing my attention. I have made the mistake of noticing what is on his smaller screen and asking about it.

I will redouble my efforts instead to inquire, "What are you reading?" rather than commenting on what I can see. Are there other suggestions for managing my wandering eyes while on the couch?

GENTLE READER: Sit farther apart?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)