DEAR MISS MANNERS: A theater we visit has stopped handing out printed programs. Instead, it makes a digital version of the program available to view on a smartphone. In general, I see this as a positive move, since it prevents paper waste. Moreover, it makes it easier to look at the program in a darkened auditorium.

The problem is that at one show we attended, my husband saw an usher chastising someone for using a phone during the show. By barring phone use, the theater bars access to the program, as well.

I understand that theater etiquette requires cellphones to be silenced during a performance, and I always do so. And I realize it's inconsiderate to the performers to be checking texts or playing games while they are on stage.

But is it really rude to use a phone just to check the program and see the name of the piece that's currently being played? If so, what's the point of providing it at all? Are guests expected to download the program before the show and print it out?

GENTLE READER: A new etiquette trap! First they make you use your telephone, and then they call you out for doing so.

Yes, you want to consult the program, if only to check whether Malvolio is the same person you saw last month as Second Grave Digger. And yes, it is rude to use your telephone, because it will cast a distracting light.

But how would you have checked this midplay with a paper program? Unless you sit close enough to get spinoff light from the stage, it would have been difficult.

You could, as you seem to suggest, bring your printer to the theater. Otherwise, Miss Manners is afraid that you will have to wait to do that checking at intermission.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Have you ever been to the grocery store, seen someone pushing a cart full of groceries and wondered if they're shopping for a party? Or if perhaps they have a dozen kids at home?

Ever had the nerve to actually ask the shopper what all the food is for?

I have three teenagers and shop every 10 to 12 days, and my cart is full to the brim every time. I'm stopped every single trip, sometimes multiple times, with comments such as: "Got a full load there!" "How many kids do you feed?" "Hope you have a deep freezer!" "What is your bill for all that?" "How often do you shop?" "Are you one of those monthly shoppers?"

And the latest: "Have you considered buying a whole cow?"

What are your thoughts on this? I'm not really bothered by it, and I even expect it now, even though I would never ask someone questions about their groceries.

GENTLE READER: It is a good thing you are not bothered by this, considering the volatile state of people out shopping for groceries nowadays.

At least these shoppers are only making inane remarks. There is no cure for that, Miss Manners is sorry to say, but the only acknowledgment it requires is a weak smile as you accelerate down the aisle.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have had a 4th of July party for the past five years. Invitations have always been sent.

This year, I decided not to include a certain group of friends due to a disagreement. My husband wants me to send an email to all of these people telling them that we will not be having the party this year. I disagree.

GENTLE READER: Bad idea, for two reasons.

First, you apparently are giving the party, and once you have done so, it will not remain a secret. You will be lucky if your guests don't start posting pictures while it is going on.

Second, simply not inviting them is all the "nyah-nyah" that Miss Manners will allow you to have. There is no social form for not inviting people to a party.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our niece got married secretly in another city, and still intends to have another wedding this summer. Do we have to go to the second wedding, given that they are already married, and didn't tell us for almost 10 months; we hardly ever hear from them; and when they are in our state, they do not stop to see us?

I told my husband that we have the option not to go because it is a destination wedding, but he feels that we have to go.

GENTLE READER: Does your husband believe that a wedding invitation is a subpoena, and you have no choice but to show up?

As Miss Manners understands your situation, you hardly know these people, don't particularly care about them or think they care about you, feel that attending would involve inconvenient travel, and anyway, it isn't really a wedding because the couple got married without you.

So the relevant question is why your husband thinks he needs to attend. If he thinks not doing so would create an unpleasant family rupture, you should talk about the chances of that happening if you merely decline the invitation and send the couple your best wishes. They may have not counted on your attending, and already have a list of people they would like to invite in your place.

To anticipate your husband's next question: No, you do not then need to send a guilt-assuaging present.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In my experience, the person who asks someone on an outing is the one to pay. However, if I am invited somewhere, I am prepared to pay if the need should arise.

My wife's birthday is coming up, and her parents have invited both of us out to lunch to celebrate. I love them dearly and don't want them to feel burdened, so I feel I should at least pay for myself, since the celebration is for their daughter and not me.

Is that rude? Am I overthinking?

GENTLE READER: Yes to both: You are overthinking, and in danger of being rude.

Miss Manners sees that you mean to be generous. But there are ways of doing that -- such as inviting your in-laws out on another occasion -- without hijacking their invitation and suggesting that they might begrudge feeding you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A Major League Baseball player has moved into the neighborhood where I live, and friends have told me that they have seen him at the grocery store, local restaurants, etc.

I would never interrupt someone's meal, but if we were both examining vegetables in the produce section, would it be rude to say hi? I would never ask for an autograph or a selfie, but is it more polite to just ignore his existence?

GENTLE READER: "Hi" may confuse the player into thinking he knows you. And anything more than that may prevent him from properly examining his vegetables.

When it comes to encountering celebrities, Miss Manners recommends a quiet, unobtrusive, "I'm a big fan" before moving on. If this is executed properly, the player will be flattered -- and relieved that he will not have to ignore his produce for long.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a relative who wears eyeglasses for certain tasks. When they are not in use, this person takes them off and lays them around my house.

That's fine in most areas, but I draw the line at kitchen counters. I have repeatedly asked them not to put their glasses on the counter. They scoff it off and frequently do it anyway. This is unsanitary and disgusting, in my opinion. Am I overreacting?

GENTLE READER: Unclear. Because Miss Manners is having a hard time imagining how, exactly, the practice is unsanitary.

Regardless, it annoys you, so she suggests you try to solve the problem by giving your relative an eyeglass lanyard for their next birthday or holiday. "You always seem to be misplacing yours, so I thought this might help" is infinitely preferable to "Please keep your gross eye germs off of my kitchen table."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While celebrating a recent birthday at a lovely downtown restaurant, my husband and I and our adult children were welcomed by our server with a bottle of wine. The server handed my husband a card and said the bottle was a gift for him, and that the card would tell us who it was from (it turned out to be a business associate).

We are not typically wine drinkers, but on occasion, I do like a glass or two of a nice red. My husband wanted to return or exchange it for a cocktail or something of equal value. I thought that would be rude and inappropriate, so I said that I'd be happy to drink some wine. The server opened the bottle and poured for us.

My husband was unhappy that I had done this, since he doesn't ever drink wine and it was his birthday. I felt that asking for an exchange was a bit beyond chutzpah-ish. What's the right way to have handled the situation?

GENTLE READER: You could have asked the server to save the bottle for you, telling both him and the business associate who sent it that you wanted to enjoy it later, at home. Then your husband could have reasonably ordered something else with dinner.

Excepting that, Miss Manners agrees that the only other polite thing to have done was for you to graciously drink some wine. Meanwhile, your husband should leave the "but it's my birthday!" tantrums to the under-5 set.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)