DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I recently gave a jazz and dinner party in our NYC apartment. His five-piece band performed a concert, then we served a buffet dinner for people to serve themselves and then return to their chairs and tables.

After dinner, an older guest -- a friend of 50 years -- dressed me down in front of another guest -- a younger friend of 25 years -- about my working too hard when I had "all those women" there to help me. I had two women whose main duty was to pick up dishes and glasses, wash them and put them away fast. Our apartment has a modern, open floor plan, which I dislike, as the kitchen is literally part of the living room.

Yes, I helped my paid help get food from the oven to the counter to speed the process for the 30 guests. I didn't actually serve food or wash things. I DID go around with two bottles of wine topping up people's drinks, which I actually enjoy doing.

My older friend's unwelcome comments irked me, but I handled it with humor -- saying to my younger friend, who, like me, works in theater, "Well, the reviews are in." The following day, Older Friend wrote an effusive thank-you email praising the music, the company, the food and our apartment. And then repeated in writing her criticism of my "working too hard."

I think she was out of bounds. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That your friend is not helpful. You and Miss Manners both know that what she is really saying is that there is something declasse about being considerate of the help.

Should she repeat this unpleasant performance, you could thank her for her concern and say how kind of her it would be to lend you a hand next time. If you want to invite her next time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I like to think that I am a kind person who tries to interact courteously with others. I am also, however, extremely introverted.

When I receive an invitation for an activity I would hate, or from a person with whom I do not want to cultivate a relationship, I am unsure of the best way to decline. I hate to hurt someone's feelings, but in trying to avoid doing so, I'm afraid the person is left without a clear "no" from me, and may try again. This makes me feel wishy-washy and insincere, and causes me even more stress.

Could you offer a few gracious -- but fairly short -- methods of declining that will get the message across?

GENTLE READER: Wishy-washiness is so much more harmful to would-be hosts than a polite rejection would be. All invitations require a definite commitment one way or the other.

The solution is to reject the invitation without seeming to reject the person -- even when you are, Miss Manners hastens to add. So when it is a particular activity, you say, "I'm not one for large gatherings (or pickleball, or whatever), but I'd love to see you another time."

If you wouldn't, you can plead general busy-ness -- "Thank you, but this is a busy time for me, and I'm not going out much." This is effective because everybody is busy, even those who are busy thinking of what to do with themselves.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate for a guest to close the door to the guest bedroom when they are not in the room? We have an occasional houseguest who does this, both when they are hanging out with us at home and when they leave the house. Is it the guest's territory to do as they please for the duration of the visit?

Our guest bedroom is an office/library with a Murphy bed. We typically don't need to go into that room when we have guests, only occasionally to fetch a book or an item from the closet.

On the other hand, our family leaves doors of unoccupied rooms open, and having a room closed off with no one in it bothers me a bit.

Is there any etiquette around this? Relatedly, if a guest does leave the door open, is it OK to (briefly) go into the room when they are not there? Maybe I've felt too free to enter, and this is why the guest closes the door.

GENTLE READER: Or perhaps they are worried about the mess you might find in there. But yes, Miss Manners believes that there is an unspoken contract that once occupied, a guest room is largely the guest's territory -- within reason -- and exceptions should come with notice: "I may have to go in occasionally to fetch some work when you're gone, but I will do my best not to disturb anything."

This gives your guests sufficient warning that you may have to enter -- and that they should keep any private items hidden.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my wife is out of town or otherwise engaged, I enjoy going out to eat by myself. The issue is that I know a single diner is not very profitable for the waitstaff, especially when I'm seated at a four-person table or booth.

I try to go when I know the restaurant won't be busy, but I can't always make that work. When they are busy, I try to tip extra (typically 50% to 80%), but they don't know during the meal that I will do that. I often feel rushed out the door.

Should I acknowledge the tipping issue upfront and assure them they won't be shorted? Should I go on quietly tipping extra and try to ignore their efforts to rush me? Should I just not worry about it and tip normally?

GENTLE READER: How would you phrase this? "Don't worry. I'm going to tip you enough to make this worth your while"?

Not only is this unseemly, but it could also be ineffective. The servers may well appreciate it, but the seating turnover is likely dictated by their employers, not them.

You could eat at the bar, where the menu is usually the same and the space not as restricted. But if this does not suit you, Miss Manners assures you that neither extravagant tips nor resignation to being rushed are obligatory. As long as you are not abusing it, you have as much right as any paying customer to be there.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I teach at a university, and often communicate with student athletes about upcoming absences due to various sporting events. I want to wish them well in their upcoming competitions.

What is the best way to do this? I am tempted to say "Good luck in the game this weekend" or something similar. But in many cases, these are athletes who work hard to perform at very high levels. I wonder if wishing them luck might diminish their hard work, talent and skill.

GENTLE READER: Only if they are reeeally looking for an insult. Or if, as with the theater world, saying "good luck" is actually bad luck. However, Miss Manners does not recommend the traditional theatrical saying -- "Break a leg!" -- to athletes, for obvious reasons.

"Have a great game!" seems innocent enough. Let us stick with that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was hosting my mother-in-law for the weekend for my daughter's first birthday party, which I held at my house on a Saturday. I am a working mom who does a fair amount of overtime, both in and out of the home, but I still decorated extensively for the party and made all the food from scratch, in addition to planning homemade meals for my houseguests.

My mother-in-law warned me in advance that all she needs to be happy is a steady supply of coffee. I tried to accommodate this to the best of my ability, but I was extremely busy the day of the party.

My other set of in-laws (my husband's father and stepmother) were staying at a hotel, but they came by the morning of the party and helped set up. My mother-in-law socialized from the couch for a good seven hours leading up to the party.

Not more than a half-hour into the fete, my mother-in-law suddenly and loudly announced that she was leaving to get herself a special energy drink. I was appalled and hurt. I had worked so hard to create a fun and comfortable environment for my guests, but she felt she couldn't sit through my baby's party without her little treat.

When I tried to vent about this situation on a moms' forum, I got attacked and told it's not that big of a deal to leave a party and get your caffeine fix. But my mother-in-law had all day to do this. Instead, she waited until the party started.

What am I meant to think?

GENTLE READER: You are meant to think -- by certain parties, at least -- that the one solitary bit of happiness that your poor mother-in-law requested, you were too preoccupied to provide.

In Miss Manners' estimation, your mistake is two-fold: caring that much about your mother-in-law's overdramatic errand announcement, and then trying to validate your hurt feelings through social media.

As you may never make either one happy, Miss Manners recommends you cease trying so hard -- and enjoy the guests who stayed.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)