DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm the author of three published books. I came to writing late in life, but enjoy excellent reviews and decent sales. I have managed to secure an agent, an editor and a publishing contract.

I met a slightly older writer at a conference a few years ago. My colleague has more books to their name, and their success seems to have come earlier in their career. As we got to know each other better, I was surprised by several rather forceful requests that I read and comment on their work-in-progress. Requests to read my own work-in-progress followed in short order.

Naively, I agreed, which precipitated several specific, unsolicited responses: "You should submit to publisher X." "You should work with this editor." "You should write for a broader audience," and so forth.

While I believe the individual is well-intended, their directives are a source of major frustration. I've repeatedly said "no, thank you" to subsequent requests to see my unfinished work, stressing that I am more comfortable showing my efforts once they are completed, not "under construction."

Nothing I say seems to make a difference; the demands just keep coming. I've grown increasingly angry. It's come to the point that I avoid communication with this person and share only the vaguest descriptions of my projects.

I sense my colleague wants to be needed, and is perhaps wistful for the publishing marketplace of his early career. I'm hesitant to cease communication altogether, but the constant interventions have to stop. Short of abandoning the friendship, I'm at a loss as to what more I can do or say.

GENTLE READER: Blame it on your publishing team: "I am afraid that it's too confusing to consider going in a different direction from my editors. Too many cooks, and all." And then Miss Manners suggests that you find other authors with whom to talk shop -- then you can discuss their work with this person, rather than your own.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have worked and served in a number of high-profile local positions, and have had the good fortune to meet many wonderful people. I am often approached with greetings when I go to stores, restaurants, etc.

The problem is that even though these people look familiar, occasionally I cannot remember their names or how we originally came into contact years ago. They know me on sight, by name, but sometimes I haven't a clue as to who they are.

Their greetings are always friendly and I am always polite, responding as though I know them. But is there a polite way to ask their name without offending them?

GENTLE READER: "You are so good to remember me. Please remind me of your name and how we met? I am afraid that my memory is not as good."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have hosted several teas for five to eight friends, most of them around my age (mid-20s) or a little younger. My difficulty is with RSVPs: Each time, I've had multiple guests tell me the day of the tea that they're no longer able to attend -- for reasons such as being tired, having work to get done or needing to go grocery shopping.

I've gone to increasing lengths to formalize the event in the hope that that would build more commitment into the responses, with no success. For the most recent tea, I gave out formal handwritten invitations three weeks in advance, requested and received responses two weeks in advance, and still went from seven expected guests to four within hours of the event.

I haven't wanted to invite more people than I can host and rely on last-minute cancellations because it is, of course, always possible that everyone who accepts my invitation will come. I don't want the possibility of not having a teacup, seat or scone for an expected guest.

It's also been suggested to me that asking someone to bring a dish will make her presence feel more essential and thus make her more likely to attend; I haven't wanted to pursue that course, either, because I very much prefer to host the tea rather than just organize it.

But I need to find some solution; neither my salary nor my energy allows for continuing to prepare for twice as many guests as will actually attend. How can I, while being mannerly myself, request or instill a sense of commitment in my friends' responses to my invitations?

GENTLE READER: Stop inviting the ones who consistently fail to show. That will likely be the only way to teach your guests commitment.

Asking them to bring a dish, Miss Manners agrees, is not wise. It not only compromises the pleasure of hosting, but also increases the chance that you will find yourself lacking in both a guest -- and something to serve for tea.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am going to visit my 28-year-old daughter and meet her new boyfriend, who is 41 and a Marine. I have invited them to lunch at an appropriate restaurant, and I intend to get the check.

I suspect the boyfriend will be a gentleman and insist on paying. As the person who issued the invitation, should I insist? Or, as a lady, can I accept his gracious offer? It is very important to me that I make a proper impression.

GENTLE READER: As, one hopes, it will be for him.

You are correct that, as the person who issued the invitation, you should pay. However, if the gentleman insists, it will be better not to make a fuss and instead, graciously say, "Thank you. I hope that this is the first of many such occasions and that you will let us be the hosts next time."

That is, Miss Manners warns, if he does indeed make that proper impression -- and your daughter concurs.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is a shower planner to do? It is impossible to generate a manageable guest list anymore, given the climate of gender neutrality.

My gay girlfriends want to bring their partners; my transgender friends do, too. And my gay nephew wants to be invited along with his husband. Am I supposed to give all the invited guests a plus-one? I'm all for coed parties and showers, but they require twice as many seats and there are twice as many mouths to feed, which somewhat defeats the purpose of the shower.

If we now have to invite two guests from each household, where before it was only one, then venue options become limited and the budget is stressed.

Should we just do away with bridal and baby showers?

GENTLE READER: Yes, if the result is going to be antagonizing all the couple's friends.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We're a family that loves olives, but, sadly, one that has no idea how to politely deal with the pits.

An overheard conversation between two guests at a party made me realize that I also don't know how to serve them: I have not been providing what's needed to avoid embarrassing them. For decades, it seems, I've been failing as a hostess.

Please help, and I'll be sure to pass the info along to our children and grandchildren!

GENTLE READER: What on Earth was this overheard conversation? "You know, Sherry would be a perfect hostess if it weren't for the unpardonable omission of someplace to put these olive pits. Now I am going to have to put them in my suit pocket, which will delight my dog, but infuriate my dry cleaner."

If that is your worst sin of the decade(s), Miss Manners congratulates you on making a mistake that is so easily rectified. And it gives you something to do with all those old ashtrays.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 96-year-old father-in-law passed away several months ago, but his ex-girlfriend of only two years still expects to be at all of our family events.

The only one in the family who likes her is my sister-in-law, who keeps inviting her to birthdays, etc. without asking the rest of us if it's OK.

The ex-girlfriend is not very nice -- downright insulting at times -- and she has family of her own here in town. How do we tell our sister-in-law we don't want dad's ex around anymore?

GENTLE READER: By not criticizing her guest list when she acts as hostess.

Explain that you completely respect your sister-in-law's friendship with your father-in-law's friend, and that you understand her decision to include her. But you will not be inviting her when you host.

Note the use of "friend" in place of "girlfriend" or "ex" to describe the unwanted guest. Miss Manners will not be entirely surprised if, after you have this conversation, your sister-in-law confesses that she does not like the woman, either -- she just has not figured out how to say no to her.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)