DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have hosted several teas for five to eight friends, most of them around my age (mid-20s) or a little younger. My difficulty is with RSVPs: Each time, I've had multiple guests tell me the day of the tea that they're no longer able to attend -- for reasons such as being tired, having work to get done or needing to go grocery shopping.

I've gone to increasing lengths to formalize the event in the hope that that would build more commitment into the responses, with no success. For the most recent tea, I gave out formal handwritten invitations three weeks in advance, requested and received responses two weeks in advance, and still went from seven expected guests to four within hours of the event.

I haven't wanted to invite more people than I can host and rely on last-minute cancellations because it is, of course, always possible that everyone who accepts my invitation will come. I don't want the possibility of not having a teacup, seat or scone for an expected guest.

It's also been suggested to me that asking someone to bring a dish will make her presence feel more essential and thus make her more likely to attend; I haven't wanted to pursue that course, either, because I very much prefer to host the tea rather than just organize it.

But I need to find some solution; neither my salary nor my energy allows for continuing to prepare for twice as many guests as will actually attend. How can I, while being mannerly myself, request or instill a sense of commitment in my friends' responses to my invitations?

GENTLE READER: Stop inviting the ones who consistently fail to show. That will likely be the only way to teach your guests commitment.

Asking them to bring a dish, Miss Manners agrees, is not wise. It not only compromises the pleasure of hosting, but also increases the chance that you will find yourself lacking in both a guest -- and something to serve for tea.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am going to visit my 28-year-old daughter and meet her new boyfriend, who is 41 and a Marine. I have invited them to lunch at an appropriate restaurant, and I intend to get the check.

I suspect the boyfriend will be a gentleman and insist on paying. As the person who issued the invitation, should I insist? Or, as a lady, can I accept his gracious offer? It is very important to me that I make a proper impression.

GENTLE READER: As, one hopes, it will be for him.

You are correct that, as the person who issued the invitation, you should pay. However, if the gentleman insists, it will be better not to make a fuss and instead, graciously say, "Thank you. I hope that this is the first of many such occasions and that you will let us be the hosts next time."

That is, Miss Manners warns, if he does indeed make that proper impression -- and your daughter concurs.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is a shower planner to do? It is impossible to generate a manageable guest list anymore, given the climate of gender neutrality.

My gay girlfriends want to bring their partners; my transgender friends do, too. And my gay nephew wants to be invited along with his husband. Am I supposed to give all the invited guests a plus-one? I'm all for coed parties and showers, but they require twice as many seats and there are twice as many mouths to feed, which somewhat defeats the purpose of the shower.

If we now have to invite two guests from each household, where before it was only one, then venue options become limited and the budget is stressed.

Should we just do away with bridal and baby showers?

GENTLE READER: Yes, if the result is going to be antagonizing all the couple's friends.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We're a family that loves olives, but, sadly, one that has no idea how to politely deal with the pits.

An overheard conversation between two guests at a party made me realize that I also don't know how to serve them: I have not been providing what's needed to avoid embarrassing them. For decades, it seems, I've been failing as a hostess.

Please help, and I'll be sure to pass the info along to our children and grandchildren!

GENTLE READER: What on Earth was this overheard conversation? "You know, Sherry would be a perfect hostess if it weren't for the unpardonable omission of someplace to put these olive pits. Now I am going to have to put them in my suit pocket, which will delight my dog, but infuriate my dry cleaner."

If that is your worst sin of the decade(s), Miss Manners congratulates you on making a mistake that is so easily rectified. And it gives you something to do with all those old ashtrays.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 96-year-old father-in-law passed away several months ago, but his ex-girlfriend of only two years still expects to be at all of our family events.

The only one in the family who likes her is my sister-in-law, who keeps inviting her to birthdays, etc. without asking the rest of us if it's OK.

The ex-girlfriend is not very nice -- downright insulting at times -- and she has family of her own here in town. How do we tell our sister-in-law we don't want dad's ex around anymore?

GENTLE READER: By not criticizing her guest list when she acts as hostess.

Explain that you completely respect your sister-in-law's friendship with your father-in-law's friend, and that you understand her decision to include her. But you will not be inviting her when you host.

Note the use of "friend" in place of "girlfriend" or "ex" to describe the unwanted guest. Miss Manners will not be entirely surprised if, after you have this conversation, your sister-in-law confesses that she does not like the woman, either -- she just has not figured out how to say no to her.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In our neighborhood, there is a core group of about 25 residents who are very close, often taking trips together. We do not belong to that group, though we are friendly with them.

We host an annual event at our home, and when the invitations went out for this year's gathering, three members of the group responded that they would be out of town; the others did not respond at all. Lo and behold, it turns out the entire group would be on a weekend trip together.

Had any one of them let us know about the conflict, we'd have gladly changed the date. We are stung -- not because we want to join the "cool kids" on their outings, but because we feel it was rude that no one clued us in that we had selected a bad date for so many.

Are we wrong to feel that way? We certainly shall not host again.

GENTLE READER: How you feel about the situation is not for etiquette to judge, but Miss Manners sees why your neighbors would be squeamish telling you about a party to which you were not, well, a party.

The normal ban on such discussions does not, technically, apply: Any one of them was free to say they were sorry to miss your event but they, and a number of neighborhood friends, would be away that weekend.

But that does not put them under an obligation to do so. The guilty parties are the ones who never responded at all.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have long hair, worn in ringlets, which sometimes draws compliments as well as questions. I've been surprised multiple times by women asking me, in front of others at a party or gathering, "Is your hair natural?"

I always say something vague because I don't think my grooming routine is any of their concern. I would never ask a woman, particularly in front of others, "Are you naturally blond?"

What's the best way to handle these questions? I find the questions inappropriate, and am left shaking my curly head.

GENTLE READER: Laugh and say "thank you."

Miss Manners understands that this is not an answer to the question that was actually asked; rather, it is a response to its subtext, which was, "Admit that it takes time and effort for you to look this good."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my brother, his family and I attended a wedding that was held six hours away, I drove my car and my brother accompanied me. My sister-in-law drove her car, with my 30-year-old nephew and his girlfriend as passengers.

However, I made the return drive home alone, while the four of them rode in their car. Was it impolite of them to not volunteer for someone to ride with me?

Our homes are very close to each other and we left at the same approximate time. At 75 years of age, I would have felt more comfortable with company just in case of an emergency.

GENTLE READER: Their behavior was not impolite. But while Miss Manners is unable to provide you with the basis for a good grievance, she can solve your actual problem: Next time, say, "Would one of you come with me in my car? It's a long drive and I would love the company."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)