DEAR MISS MANNERS: In our neighborhood, there is a core group of about 25 residents who are very close, often taking trips together. We do not belong to that group, though we are friendly with them.

We host an annual event at our home, and when the invitations went out for this year's gathering, three members of the group responded that they would be out of town; the others did not respond at all. Lo and behold, it turns out the entire group would be on a weekend trip together.

Had any one of them let us know about the conflict, we'd have gladly changed the date. We are stung -- not because we want to join the "cool kids" on their outings, but because we feel it was rude that no one clued us in that we had selected a bad date for so many.

Are we wrong to feel that way? We certainly shall not host again.

GENTLE READER: How you feel about the situation is not for etiquette to judge, but Miss Manners sees why your neighbors would be squeamish telling you about a party to which you were not, well, a party.

The normal ban on such discussions does not, technically, apply: Any one of them was free to say they were sorry to miss your event but they, and a number of neighborhood friends, would be away that weekend.

But that does not put them under an obligation to do so. The guilty parties are the ones who never responded at all.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have long hair, worn in ringlets, which sometimes draws compliments as well as questions. I've been surprised multiple times by women asking me, in front of others at a party or gathering, "Is your hair natural?"

I always say something vague because I don't think my grooming routine is any of their concern. I would never ask a woman, particularly in front of others, "Are you naturally blond?"

What's the best way to handle these questions? I find the questions inappropriate, and am left shaking my curly head.

GENTLE READER: Laugh and say "thank you."

Miss Manners understands that this is not an answer to the question that was actually asked; rather, it is a response to its subtext, which was, "Admit that it takes time and effort for you to look this good."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my brother, his family and I attended a wedding that was held six hours away, I drove my car and my brother accompanied me. My sister-in-law drove her car, with my 30-year-old nephew and his girlfriend as passengers.

However, I made the return drive home alone, while the four of them rode in their car. Was it impolite of them to not volunteer for someone to ride with me?

Our homes are very close to each other and we left at the same approximate time. At 75 years of age, I would have felt more comfortable with company just in case of an emergency.

GENTLE READER: Their behavior was not impolite. But while Miss Manners is unable to provide you with the basis for a good grievance, she can solve your actual problem: Next time, say, "Would one of you come with me in my car? It's a long drive and I would love the company."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a university professor in my mid-60s, I feel very comfortable with my job. I find my daily interactions with students refreshing, and enjoy the company of several colleagues in the profession. I have a rich intellectual life.

I love what I do and do what I love. Unless I develop a severe disease, I plan to continue my work until I feel that it is time to stop.

Yet all kinds of people -- not only family and friends, but strangers I occasionally chat with on planes -- keep asking me why I have not retired. I never ask anybody else about their retirement plans, not even my closest friends.

I keep saying that I have a fulfilling and gratifying job, yet people insist. Is there a better answer?

GENTLE READER: "When you retire, you are probably going to want to pass on your wisdom to the next generation. I am lucky enough to do that for a living. Why should I stop?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Are elbows still not allowed on dinner tables, fancy or otherwise?

GENTLE READER: The ban should be maintained, if only because of the wonderful phrase traditionally used to enforce it: "All joints on the table will be carved!" parents would bellow at offending children. It made such an impression that even today, people sprawled over tables have heard of the rule.

Many even exaggerate the rule, applying it to all times and all tables, whereas it is only meant to prevent that ugly posture of eating with a hand that lowers itself from above like a derrick tearing up a street.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son's family and I live in the same town, and we see each other often. When I am entering their home, my daughter-in-law often says, "Sorry about the messy house" or something similar.

I never know what to say to that, or if I should let it pass without acknowledgment. When she first came into our lives and began the "messy house" comments, I told her that my house would seldom be in perfect shape either, and that I hoped we wouldn't worry too much about each other's houses. I was hoping to take the pressure off and just enjoy being a family.

Since these comments continue, I need guidance. Being silent might seem like agreement that her house is messy, and I'm afraid of offending her by making a clumsy response. Is there a polite way to handle this?

GENTLE READER: "Why, that lazy, no-good son of mine. Do you want me to speak to him? But wait. Now that I look around, he did a pretty good job. It looks fine."

Miss Manners hopes that your daughter-in-law has a sense of humor, and doubts that she will want to keep feeding you the cue for that speech. In any case, it lets her know that you are not passing judgment on her.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in retail and have dealt with all types of people. Three years ago, I had cancer in my eye and had surgery to treat it. When I am tired -- which happens when working retail hours in a dry, old building -- the rim of my eye will turn red.

I am frustrated with the "no boundaries" type of customers, who often say to me, "Oh, your eye is so red!" or "What's wrong with your eye?"

My eye is as good as it will be. Is it appropriate for me to say to these customers, "It is none of your concern and it is not contagious"? Or do you have other suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Suggestion No. 1 is that telling customers to mind their own business will not be good for your business. Miss Manners would consider "It is not contagious" to be quite enough.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it OK to send out an announcement after my son's small wedding? I want to let friends and family know. Should I provide an address for cards?

GENTLE READER: You are in luck, because there are traditional cards for just that purpose.

The formal announcement card is similar in wording to the wedding invitation, except that instead of saying the hosts "request the pleasure of your company," it says they "announce the marriage of ..."

You could put the couple's address on the envelope. Or you could go all out and enclose what was once known as an "at home card." This is a small visiting card with the couple's names and address, and a date after which they would be visitable -- presumably after the wedding tour.

Miss Manners must warn you that there will be people who see this as a bill, signifying that a present is due. But then there are a lot of people who now believe that any social notice is made for the purpose of extracting money and goods.

Pooh on them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I regularly go out to dinner with a few other couples. The wives are fond of sharing their food with each other -- trading bites. Often the husbands are asked to join in.

I simply do not like to participate in this. I feel my reasons are valid and nobody else's business. However, when I decline, there are usually comments from the wives that appear to be designed to make me feel antisocial because of my decision.

Other than agreeing to share, ceasing to dine with these folks or ordering sheep's brains, is there a way for me to handle this that might reduce, if not eliminate, these rude comments?

GENTLE READER: Has the pressure to share food come to this -- that you can't have a friendly dinner out without having to fight off predators?

You could say simply, "Please let me enjoy my meal." But you know one of those wives well enough (and it would be difficult to avoid ever eating with her) that Miss Manners would expect her to protect you -- perhaps by saying, "No, no, not the gentlemen; let's just keep it among ourselves."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)