DEAR MISS MANNERS: You addressed the thorny issue of sending a letter to a lesbian couple who share a last name (The Mses. Jones). Nicely done.

But what of gay male couples with a shared name? "The Mrs. Jones" would seem to miss entirely. "The Mres. Jones" mangles standard English plurals. What to do?

GENTLE READER: The correct plural abbreviation is "Messrs.," as it could also be "Mesdames" for the ladies. But you could also spell out "The Misters Bob and Thaddeus Jones."

Miss Manners maintains that abbreviations are not helpful shortcuts if no one knows what exactly they are abbreviating.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the appropriate response to a death anymore? We are part of a group of 12 couples who regularly enjoy potlucks and other outings together. We are also getting to an age where the death of a parent is not rare.

Several years ago, one group member started collecting money every time there was a death among the immediate family of someone in our group. She used the funds towards gifts for those in mourning such as restaurant gift cards, tennis-related items, a new golf club and certificates for massages.

I feel awkward, as I try to ensure I am appropriately sharing my condolences with the bereaved. I do send cards and drop off food.

Is it a cultural obligation to provide more festive tokens to the grieving?

GENTLE READER: Absolutely not.

Miss Manners is aware that many would rather have a celebration of life than a commemoration of death. But that still means celebrating the life of the deceased -- not those of their living relatives.

Good friends may hope that those in mourning will return to enjoying life, but an explicit invitation to whoop it up in the form of golf gear and such feels disrespectful. She kindly requests that in the wake of bereavement, condolence letters, food and solemnity continue to prevail.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I love my grandkids, but I don't much enjoy eating dinner with them because they often argue about where they're going to sit and who they want to sit next to. It feels like a popularity contest, and it doesn't feel so nice when your grandkids don't want to sit next to you.

I don't offer criticism to my grown kids about their parenting, as they are excellent parents. (And even if they weren't, that wouldn't be my business anyway.) The kids are generally well-behaved. This dinnertime hassle is an anomaly, but I eat with them about once a week, so it's a regular occurrence.

The kids are 6, 8 and 11. Of course they'll gradually grow out of this behavior. Should I just wait it out, or say something about how I feel?

GENTLE READER: Or you could say something about place cards. The children will have fun making them and they can create a system wherein the seating chart rotates and no one feels left out.

While stating such preferences publicly is rude and unpleasant, Miss Manners does admit that the same popularity contest happens when adults are formally seated -- it is only polite because it happens quietly behind closed doors.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son is currently ill, and I visit his house to help with his dog and cat.

The cat's food dish is in the basement, kept separate from the dog's dish in the kitchen. The cat often wants more food after dark, so I turn on the light in the basement to go fill her bowl.

My son asks me to turn off the light when I come back upstairs, even though the cat is still eating. He says she can see in the dark because there's a little bit of light from the open door to the stairs. I feel it is rude to turn off the light while she is eating. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That you sent Miss Manners down a rabbit hole of research on cats' ability to see in the dark. What she found is that it is limited -- but still better than that of humans.

So while Miss Manners admires your instinct not to be rude to your feline friend, her humble opinion is that with the light coming from the open door, your son's cat should be fine. More importantly, it is his house, his pet.

As a compromise, you might suggest a motion sensor -- as long as you are sure it will not scare the kibble out of Frisky.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you have any ideas for responding to someone who extends a non-apology (such as "I'm sorry you feel that way")?

This type of apology can be manipulative; it would be helpful to have a retort that pierces the veneer of courtesy that's being displayed.

Of course, odds are low that any response would move the speaker to genuine concern or remorse for the offense, but appearing to accept a fake apology only encourages more of the same, which is not ideal.

GENTLE READER: "And I'm sorry that you don't understand my reason for feeling that way."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I visit my alma mater, I face the same issue each time. I usually can only visit for a short time, a few days at most, and I have particular people I need to see. I am still a recent-enough graduate that I also know some current students.

I always feel terrible, as if I should either hide my visit or overextend myself lest I hurt someone's feelings. It is a small school in a small town, and the odds that I will be seen out and about are high. Furthermore, I don't wish to sneak around -- I wish to do the right thing.

It seems excessive to reach out to someone just to say I can't catch up. Even if I did, I couldn't possibly notify everyone who meant something to me. How should a grateful, kind person conduct herself without making excuses?

GENTLE READER: "I was hoping to run into you."

This could be politely said to anyone who catches you out and about. For those who reprimand you retroactively, Miss Manners suggests: "It was such a short trip, but I hope I'll see you the next time I'm in town" -- whether or not your hope is likely to be realized.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is a polite response when you ask someone for help and they say no?

You know they are capable of helping; you first ascertained they weren't busy; you explained there is no hurry, etc. I have strong, angry, sarcastic conversations inside my head and end up doing the task myself.

These are minor, simple chores or things that need fixing. And these are adults I am asking, not children.

GENTLE READER: It depends on the nature of the request. A friend refusing to clean out your garage must be answered as if you believed in their desire to do so, and in whatever excuse is offered.

A spouse who refuses to empty the dishwasher while you are making the children's lunches can be treated with measured impatience.

A cousin who is unwilling to help get you out of the hole you fell into has no right to complain if your screams attract wider attention.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I got married five years ago and have two children: One is 3 and the other is 1 1/2. We have many older friends whose children have grown up and moved out.

We have been invited to parties at some of those friends' houses, and, as we cannot really afford a sitter, we have brought our kids with us. This is usually received with comments such as, "I see you brought the little terrors with you."

I feel that this is a very rude thing to say. I do not know a polite way to respond that also clearly says that I love my children and do not appreciate them being insulted. How should I respond?

GENTLE READER: Insulting your children is certainly rude, although Miss Manners notices you conveniently skipped over your own rudeness in bringing them where they were not invited. (Otherwise, why offer the justification of exorbitant child care costs?)

There would be no need to respond had the original conversation gone something like: "I'm so sorry -- we would love to attend, but there is no way we are going to be able to get a sitter, so we have to decline."

"Oh, please bring the little ones along! We would love to see them."

"Well, if you are sure it won't be a bother, we are happy to accept."

Failing that, you could have enjoyed a pleasant evening at home with your beloved children.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am hosting a small dinner gathering next week. One of my guests called me to say that her friends, a married couple, might be interested in being invited. I don't know these people and I find it inappropriate, to say the least, of my guest to suggest this to me. What to reply?

GENTLE READER: "Unfortunately, I've already issued the invitations for next week, but we'd be delighted to meet your friends another time. Perhaps you will put us together at one of your dinners."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)