DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who has an annoying habit: When she asks me to do something together -- go to a movie, get dinner, etc. -- she always precedes her request with a "No pressure, but ..."

Frankly, starting with that phrase makes me perceive pressure. Without the phrase, it's no big deal: just a normal request or suggestion, to which I may say yes or no.

More than once, I have told her, "No need to say 'no pressure,' I know there is no pressure," and then, "Gotta say, I find the phrase 'no pressure' unnecessary."

She will not stop. Any other suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Mild humor has always worked for Miss Manners: "I do feel pressure! Now that you say it, I feel incredible pressure!! What am I going to do?"

Of course, there is a way to say this that will be understood as gentle teasing, and a way to say it that comes across as the grossest insult. You can surmise which Miss Manners is recommending.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When the pandemic started, we had to leave the country we were living in with just a few days' notice, thinking we'd be back in a few months. The woman who acts as our landlord took about 45 of our plants to her apartment to care for while we were gone. This was an amazing collection we cultivated over about five years, at significant expense.

Due to COVID and immigration restrictions, it has actually taken us 15 months to return. We were just recently offered our old jobs back with a work permit, and it looks like we will be here for at least two years.

The woman who has our plants has not mentioned them once. Is it too late to ask for them back, assuming they're not all dead? Or do we just start over?

GENTLE READER: It's not too late to ask, but it is too late to expect much.

Start with thanks -- and a graceful way out: "It was so kind of you to take our plants in when this all began, and we completely understand if you were not able to maintain them all this time. But if any remain, could we come by to pick them up?"

Note that Miss Manners is at the limit of her reach in calling them "our plants." Beyond said reach would be: "the plants we cultivated at significant expense," "our darling plants" or "our children."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I had a friend over for dinner some months ago, we had a great time. Since then, she has said many times that she would like to invite me over for dinner at her home.

And that is the end of it. Although I have replied every time that I would be delighted to visit, the actual invitation is never issued. I am left to conclude that she is merely being polite, at least to her way of thinking, and does not wish to have me over.

I am weary of the tease. How may I put a stop to it?

GENTLE READER: If you are curious about your friend's intent, Miss Manners would allow you to offer a general time frame that would work for you and then to see what happens. Or you can keep saying, "That would be lovely."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The other day, I took a package to the local post office. It was early, the line was very short, and I noticed the woman in front of me couldn't get a handle on the three packages she was trying to take out to her car.

Not being in a hurry, I offered to help, and took one package out for her. She thanked me, I said something about being happy to help, and went back in.

The man who had been in line right behind me thanked me four or five times, while also apologizing profusely for being waited on while I was gone. I certainly didn't expect the whole place to pause while I went outside!

The woman behind him insisted I cut in front of her and thanked me several times, as did two other people.

I found it quite embarrassing and really didn't know how to respond. I think I muttered something about needing all the brownie points in heaven I could get, and tried to just shrug it off.

What I could really use is a more polished "Oh shucks, 'tweren't nothin'" response that doesn't call out anyone else for not offering to help, but rather shows that this is something I do as a matter of course. It is not anything special, and I don't need to be praised. Or excessively thanked.

Any suggestions on how to be humbly classy -- or classily humble? Or how to elegantly deflect unnecessary praise?

GENTLE READER: "Any of you would have done the same."

True, this is a wildly optimistic statement. Miss Manners has been inundated with stories from people who are victims of fights in lines, and from tirades by those who believe attacks are justified for such minor infractions as standing too close or leaving the line momentarily.

Typically, these fights take place in grocery lines, so perhaps the aggressors are just hungry -- whereas everyone in the post office had had a good breakfast before you met them.

But Miss Manners is increasingly alarmed that people are so antagonistic. So she is grateful not only to you, but to the others in that line.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When serving cake to guests, my wife insists on giving each person two slices, "because serving one slice is stingy." I contend that with many people looking to control their weight, one slice should be served initially, with the option of offering a second slice later. What do you suggest?

GENTLE READER: Thicker slices?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While at my in-laws' house with my husband, his mother privately presented him with a necklace to give to me. Once we were home, he gave me the necklace, and I thanked him. It is lovely.

Should I also thank his mother? I was there at the time and she did not give the necklace directly to me.

GENTLE READER: No, she did something even more gracious by letting her son pass it along as a family treasure.

Miss Manners is stunned that you are citing a technicality as justification to ignore that. You probably needn't expect to get the earrings to go with it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A few times a year, my in-laws invite my wife and me to join them for a concert at a small local venue. They cover all the costs for the dinner and the show, which can be very pricey.

Before the band/performer takes the stage, the host reminds the audience that filming or recording of any kind is strictly prohibited. And yet at every concert, my in-laws whip out their phones about halfway into the show and take several videos. Even if we lean over and whisper a reminder to them that filming isn't allowed, they smile and ignore us.

This is a small, dimly lit venue and I'm sure other tables nearby can see the glare of the phones lighting up, yet we've never had the venue host stop by to give the same reminder. Not only is the filming distracting to our own experience, we feel highly embarrassed being associated with people who don't respect the rules.

After we declined to join them at last week's concert, they sent us several videos they took of the evening's event so we could see what we missed. My wife and I both cringed. We don't know what to say without feeling like we are shaming them.

GENTLE READER: Rather a tricky moral question: If your relatives are cheating, do you ignore it or turn them in?

Miss Manners prefers to avoid such a painful decision. She knows you have tried to tell them not to break the rules, so let's try something stronger:

Go with them next time, and as you enter the theater, ask the host, within your in-laws' hearing, if taking videos is allowed. (Never mind how often you've heard that announcement.) When the reply is "No," you say to the host, in a much quieter voice, "They believe they can do it inconspicuously; you might want to see if you agree."

Yes, the in-laws will squeal. But you can say, "I was only repeating what you have told me: that your filming doesn't bother anyone."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you apply gravy to your mashed potatoes, especially if you would like to contain them in a "lake"?

We discussed the idea of using the serving spoons, either from the potatoes or the gravy, to make an indentation -- historically we have used the gravy spoon, and it is made in the perfect shape! -- and also the idea of fussily using your own spoon to make the indentation amidst the passing of the mashed potatoes and gravy.

What is the right way to do this? We hope the answer isn't to just pour the gravy on the mashed potato mountain, as we like the gravy to stay in a unit with the potatoes!

GENTLE READER: You will have used your soup spoon by the time the potatoes arrive, so the only place-setting spoon that might be available would be your dessert spoon. And the residue of gravy would not enhance your creme brulee.

Miss Manners does not see how the usual argument about sanitation would apply to using the smaller gravy spoon on your untouched potatoes. So gently lower it onto the mound of potatoes to create a crater, and then turn it to unload. Any splashing and the game is up.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)