DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an attorney at a small firm. When the staff member who used to buy birthday cakes retired, I picked up a cake for a birthday that was going to be observed right after she left.

I then bought the next birthday cake, which was for my favorite member of the firm. And then I bought a cake for the least-liked person in the office, fearing that his feelings would be hurt because no one else was going to rise to the occasion.

Now, there is an expectation that I will supply all birthday cakes. This expectation is harmful because I am the first and only woman attorney at the firm, and one of the youngest, as well. It's also an expensive habit; the time taken getting the cakes equates to hundreds of dollars in billable hours, which I make up for by working later.

Do you have any suggestions on how to stop this cycle? I know that I've been part of the problem, but unfortunately my time machine is on the fritz.

GENTLE READER: Are there any junior staff members or receptionists at your firm? If so, Miss Manners suggests you solicit their assistance. Or build a rotating schedule among the attorneys.

Or best of all, suggest to your firm that you abandon the practice altogether. Cake in the office is not enough of a treat (and is often the object of dread by those watching sugar, gluten and other ingredients) to warrant all of this expense and angst.

Surely a card would suffice instead. But please promise just to leave it in the break room for people to sign -- rather than use billable hours going from office to office collecting signatures.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I dislike it when people fuss over me, but I have relatives who cannot seem to help themselves. Any attempt at a conversation always circles back to questions about whether I am too hot, too cold, whether I might like a brownie, or ...

Attempts to change the conversation may work momentarily, but somehow always devolve back into fussing over me. I know they intend to be kind and hospitable, but it makes me feel a bit snappish after a while.

What is the politest way to say, "Can we please talk about anything other than whether I am too hot, too cold, might like a brownie ...?"

GENTLE READER: If you do not want it, may Miss Manners please have the brownie?

Because it does sound as if your relatives are merely being hospitable, if perhaps (overly) concerned for your health and well-being. Or they are avoiding your chosen topics of conversation and trying to change them (in which case, the brownie thing suddenly makes more sense).

In any event, if you do not like it, you may simply say, "Thank you for your concern, but I assure you that my temperature and constitution are absolutely fine. Now, let's talk about your tiff with Aunt Eloise."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I moved to a new neighborhood. While we have acquainted ourselves with most of the neighbors and will stop for a brief chat when we see them outdoors, we would not consider any of them to be friends yet at this stage of the game.

The neighbors directly next door to us have done some inconsiderate things such as blocking our driveway, asking our afternoon visitor to move his car so they could park their holiday trailer on the street (which is not even legal in our city), allowing their contractors to walk all over our freshly laid sod in the front yard, etc. We have, with gritted teeth, remained polite through it all, but they are definitely not people we would eventually like to be friends with.

Three days ago, while we were outside building our new deck, the wife called across from her deck, saying, "We are having a retirement party for Doug tomorrow starting at 4:30. Please drop by. All of his co-workers will be stopping in."

Miss Manners, I was flummoxed. I felt caught off guard, and stuttered out, "If we are around, we may drop in, but I'm not sure what our plans are with our ongoing renovations."

I had no intention of dropping in. Afterward, I commented to my husband that it was an odd invitation to offer in the first place, given that we barely know these people and we certainly don't know Doug's co-workers. It would have been extremely awkward even if we wanted to build a friendship, but we don't.

The wife did not invite me accidentally, as sometimes happens during a conversation where you happen to mention a party you're having and then feel obligated to include the person to whom you're speaking. I had my back to her, laying deck boards, and she called out my name to get my attention. It was deliberate.

Am I wrong in thinking it was a strange invitation to offer? And whether or not it was strange, how should I have responded to the verbal invitation in the moment?

GENTLE READER: How dare your neighbor issue you a deliberate invitation? The actual nerve.

Or so you seem to believe.

Miss Manners understands that previous inconsiderate actions by this neighbor may make you suspicious now. But from her perspective, it seemed like a jovial enough invitation.

Well, perhaps there is a slight hidden agenda, but one that is a long honored neighborly trick and therefore hardly noteworthy. That is, that if the party got raucous, you would have been invited or at least forewarned and therefore more sympathetic to the noise.

In the interest of being reciprocally neighborly, Miss Manners suggests that you follow up on Doug's retirement party and tell her you are sorry you missed it. Even if you clearly are not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If one wanted to refer to "the gentleman/lady in the corner," how might one do so without assuming a gender?

GENTLE READER: "The person in the corner." Or "the gentle person," if you want to add flourish.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother and I live in different states. We talk regularly by phone, with increased frequency over the past couple of years due to many illnesses and deaths in the extended family.

Virtually every time we speak, my sister-in-law jumps into the conversation midway through (sometimes after 10 or 15 minutes) to add a comment.

I am always taken by surprise that she has been listening to our call without my knowledge. There is nothing we are saying that she cannot hear, but I am taken aback nonetheless. I am not using speakerphone on my end, and tend to assume that our conversation is a private one.

How should this be handled? Should my brother notify me that she is listening in? Should I express surprise each time she enters a conversation (super awkward, especially due to the serious nature of many calls)? At this point, I guess that I should just assume she will be eavesdropping.

GENTLE READER: The etiquette here is identical to what is required if, while you are talking to your brother in person, your sister-in-law approaches you from behind: Your brother should either bring her presence to your attention, or, this being family, she could do so herself.

As in the live version, if you were to suddenly hear her comment over your shoulder, you can express surprise: "Oh! I didn't know you were on the line!"

If they do not learn after a few calls -- or if acting surprised is not as much fun as it sounds -- you can also start the call with, "Hi! Is Gillian on the phone too? Yes? Hi, how are you, Gillian?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While our children were growing up, I always permitted their friends to address me by my given name, while my husband always requested to be addressed by Mr. and our difficult-to-pronounce surname, or as Mr. L.

Our children are now in their late 20s. My husband still expects the man living with our daughter to address him in this fashion. In contrast, my husband has called my parents by their given names from the day they met.

Our daughter's partner is an adult -- well-employed, a homeowner -- and may one day be our son-in-law. I feel that my husband's request is disrespectful to both our daughter and her partner. What do you feel is the appropriate form of address, both in person and on tags when exchanging gifts?

GENTLE READER: It has always been Miss Manners' belief that respect demands addressing people as they wish to be addressed. Even if the current generation believes they were the first to enunciate this principle.

Respect, however, must be reciprocated. If your husband wants another adult to call him Mr. L., then he needs to address your daughter's partner as Mr. M. -- and to reconcile himself to a first-name basis when Mr. M. extends that courtesy to him.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)