DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a social event given by an organization in which my spouse is active, a member asked me, "Do you still work?"

I was somewhat taken aback by this question. I am in my late 50s, and am told that my appearance and dress match my age.

This is not the first time a newly met person in a social situation has asked me this question, with emphasis on the "still." Each time, I have tried to come up with an appropriate response, but have been somewhat tripped up.

I have an advanced degree and work in a career that has taken years to build. I have no intention of retiring in the near future, and it feels quite rude when people imply that I am too old to "still" be working.

Am I being too sensitive? Is there a good response to this question? I don't wish to return rudeness for rudeness. However, I would like to have an appropriate answer that feels authentic.

GENTLE READER: "Yes; do you?"

Miss Manners remembers the days when gentlemen routinely asked ladies whether they worked. It was amazing how flabbergasted they were when she bounced the question right back.

She agrees that any such question is patronizing, at best. But you needn't attribute it to the notion that you look old enough to retire. You could have been fired, in which case the inquiry would have made you feel even worse. Or you could have sold the rights to a video game you invented for a sum that allows you to wallow in idle luxury.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am very busy at work and almost never take an actual lunch break. I normally eat at my desk while continuing to work.

When my boss comes into my office to talk about something work-related, as he frequently does, does etiquette require me to stop munching on my sandwich while he's there? Or may I continue to eat while we talk?

GENTLE READER: You stop eating. You have already made the point that you are so devoted to your work that you forgo taking a lunch break. Miss Manners doubts that it would further impress your boss if you answered questions with your mouth full.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When someone thanks me, I understand that I am supposed to say, "You're welcome." I find it overly formal, and when I do use it, it sounds awkward and rusty.

Most of the time, I find myself responding with phrases like "Sure thing!" and "No problem," which I know some people view as impolite. Would you please suggest a polite alternative response?

GENTLE READER: Would you please stop using the word "formal" as if it means "snobbish"?

"You're welcome" is merely the standard English reply to being thanked. "No problem," which is a version of the response in other languages ("de nada," "il n'y a pas de quoi" or "de rien"), is coming into common use, although it still annoys some people.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was on a second date at an upscale French restaurant. To my surprise and dismay, my date was incredibly rude to the waiter the entire night, starting with criticizing him for not speaking French (as my date does), never making eye contact with the waiter, never saying please and thank you, and so on.

I was mortified and I should have gotten up and walked out, but I didn't. I paid the bill, as I had offered, and left a larger tip than I ordinarily would. The next day I called the restaurant to apologize, and the manager told me the waiter had already alerted him to the bad situation.

The date hasn't called me and I haven't called him. Is there something else I should have done for the waiter?

GENTLE READER: Perhaps thanked him for saving you from any possible third date with that person.

How people treat those who are not in a position to defend themselves is a good test of character. Your good character was demonstrated when you compensated the waiter and then also corroborated his story with his boss.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I like to listen to podcasts on sound-blocking earbuds while exercising. I also attend the gym as early as possible to get in and out. The issue I have is that a couple of other people turn up the sound on the TV to the point of interfering with my listening to podcasts.

I've politely asked them to turn the sound down and use the closed-caption feature on the TV. One person told me to turn my own sound up and blow out my eardrums. The other turned up the TV sound even louder.

I tried talking to the manager, to no avail. Any ideas on how to handle the rudeness of these individuals? I'm to the point of considering bringing in a speaker to deaden their noise or broadcast an offensive podcast at them.

Why are some people so rude, and what else can I do?

GENTLE READER: And why are you even fantasizing about joining them by being rude yourself?

Alas, that is often how people react: They hate being treated rudely, and therefore think of ways to outdo the offenders.

Please forgive Miss Manners for sounding off. You did not succumb to being rude, and instead tried the polite methods of handling this: asking the offender and then appealing to authority.

Unfortunately, for a system of etiquette to function, it requires a sense of decency, or at least the desire for a peaceful community. Those qualities of civilized life seem to be in short supply now. Let us hope that you can find a gym where blatant rudeness is not tolerated.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why are we supposed to put napkins in our laps?

GENTLE READER: As opposed to using them as shirt protectors?

Barring special conditions, people over the age of 6 are supposed to be able to transport food from the plate to their mouths without getting it all over themselves. Therefore, the napkin is merely placed within reach for minor dabbing. If you need more protection, Miss Manners acknowledges that it would be safer to move it within range of what you will splatter.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was recently invited for dinner at a friend's home, along with several others. The host has previously mentioned that he has a smart speaker in the dining room of his home.

I understand that a smart speaker, unless disabled, will pick up and record conversations held nearby. I do not want my conversation at dinner to be recorded.

Would it be appropriate for me to tell the friend in advance that I expect him to turn off the speaker during the meal, and/or that I will not attend unless he does so?

GENTLE READER: Although hardly a tech expert, Miss Manners was under the assumption that smart speakers were usually there to provide music, not to record conversations in case of enemy infiltration.

While she finds these two things almost equally annoying in a dining room, where people want to talk, the former is not a crime. She therefore suggests that rather than accuse your host of espionage, you politely ask if the speaker can be removed so that you may better hear his guests.

But then, you should probably make sure all smartphones are similarly banished, because those will likely have the same recording technology as the speaker.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I grew up in an all-military community. My husband and I are not rich, but we made a vow to always pay the restaurant bill for men or women in military uniforms who are dining at the same time with us.

The last time, there were six military members in line to pay as we waited for our table. We walked up and told the cashier, who was also the owner, that we would be paying their bills.

I was a bit shocked at how high the bill was for only six of them, but paid it anyway. After the owner rung up our credit card, he proceeded to hand over several to-go bags to one servicemember who had ordered a bunch of food for his family.

We didn't say anything, but I was upset that the owner or the person who ordered it didn't inform us about the to-go order.

We still continue with our vow of paying for meals for men and women who are serving our country, but I can't help but feel a bit ticked off whenever the occasion arises. My husband said I should let it go.

GENTLE READER: While it is kind of you to do this, you must keep in mind that your recipients were not expecting it. They were ordering for themselves, not to take brazen advantage of your unanticipated largesse.

You cannot impose terms and exceptions -- or expect unknown violations to be confessed retroactively. So Miss Manners is in agreement with your husband. She further recommends that if you are going to be ticked off when doing this in the future, you find another source of philanthropy -- and make its specific terms known before you donate to it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)