DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was recently invited for dinner at a friend's home, along with several others. The host has previously mentioned that he has a smart speaker in the dining room of his home.

I understand that a smart speaker, unless disabled, will pick up and record conversations held nearby. I do not want my conversation at dinner to be recorded.

Would it be appropriate for me to tell the friend in advance that I expect him to turn off the speaker during the meal, and/or that I will not attend unless he does so?

GENTLE READER: Although hardly a tech expert, Miss Manners was under the assumption that smart speakers were usually there to provide music, not to record conversations in case of enemy infiltration.

While she finds these two things almost equally annoying in a dining room, where people want to talk, the former is not a crime. She therefore suggests that rather than accuse your host of espionage, you politely ask if the speaker can be removed so that you may better hear his guests.

But then, you should probably make sure all smartphones are similarly banished, because those will likely have the same recording technology as the speaker.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I grew up in an all-military community. My husband and I are not rich, but we made a vow to always pay the restaurant bill for men or women in military uniforms who are dining at the same time with us.

The last time, there were six military members in line to pay as we waited for our table. We walked up and told the cashier, who was also the owner, that we would be paying their bills.

I was a bit shocked at how high the bill was for only six of them, but paid it anyway. After the owner rung up our credit card, he proceeded to hand over several to-go bags to one servicemember who had ordered a bunch of food for his family.

We didn't say anything, but I was upset that the owner or the person who ordered it didn't inform us about the to-go order.

We still continue with our vow of paying for meals for men and women who are serving our country, but I can't help but feel a bit ticked off whenever the occasion arises. My husband said I should let it go.

GENTLE READER: While it is kind of you to do this, you must keep in mind that your recipients were not expecting it. They were ordering for themselves, not to take brazen advantage of your unanticipated largesse.

You cannot impose terms and exceptions -- or expect unknown violations to be confessed retroactively. So Miss Manners is in agreement with your husband. She further recommends that if you are going to be ticked off when doing this in the future, you find another source of philanthropy -- and make its specific terms known before you donate to it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I are part of a close-knit group of five couples. We all socialize often, whether in our various homes or out doing some recreational activity.

One of our gentleman friends is truly a very nice person: friendly, considerate, good sense of humor and an animal lover (cats, anyway). However, at all of our social functions, his dress consists of shorts, a sloppy T-shirt and tennis shoes, usually without socks. That would be fine for a backyard barbecue, but that is his uniform for all occasions -- birthdays, graduations, anniversaries and even major holiday dinners where I feel something "nicer" is in order.

At special occasions, the host couples have gone to great lengths to prepare a festive dinner on nice tableware. I feel his dress is insulting -- not only to the host, but also to the honoree or the occasion/holiday itself. When we are dining at a restaurant -- not an old-fashioned "coat and tie required" place, but still semi-upscale -- he is again in shorts and a T-shirt, and I again feel embarrassed.

In every other way, as I said, he's a great guy. I wouldn't want to hurt or insult him. Any suggestions for a mannerly approach? Or should I just ignore this?

GENTLE READER: You cannot tell an adult to whom you are not related how to dress. And unless the event is black- or white-tie, you cannot really even politely put it in your invitations ("festive" is not a dress code).

Miss Manners is afraid that you will have to learn to live with it. Clearly this gentleman's other half has.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son is getting married soon to a lady I've not yet met, although we have spoken on the phone several times. My issue is that I do not want my new daughter-in-law to call me "Mom."

My son was very briefly married once before (now divorced), and that daughter-in-law called me "Mom" without an invitation to do so, at least not from me. I believe my son may have instructed her to do so. When we met, I said, "Hello, I'm Mabel Jo" so that she would understand I did not want her to have to address me formally as "Mrs. X."

How can I tactfully request that his new wife not call me "Mom"? It has nothing to do with her, I just don't like the practice.

GENTLE READER: Talk to your son. It sounds to Miss Manners as if he may have been the one who planted the "Mom" idea with the first wife. Explain that you would like the honor of asking his prospective wife to call you by your first name. Surely he would not dream of depriving you of that familial moment.

If he protests that he finds "Mom" to be more intimate, you may delicately point out that there were a lot of things that did not work the first time around. You are generously sparing him one of them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am usually good about thanking people. Now, I am flummoxed. A note or even a gift seems so inadequate for what friends have done for us.

In one case, some friends hosted my husband when he was cleaning out his mother's house, hours from home. They looked after the mail and even took my mother-in-law to get a COVID vaccination, which took them hours! The friends wouldn't even take my husband up on his offer to take them out for a meal in return.

Another friend did some professional work for us that I offered to pay for, but was told he doesn't work that way. (Years later, when we tried to continue the work, we were told he can't help us, so there may be bad feelings there.)

What do you suggest we do to thank these people who we cannot possibly thank enough?

GENTLE READER: Not thanking someone when no thanks will be enough is a natural reaction -- and one to be avoided at all costs. You may feel overwhelmed by their generosity, but from their point of view, you did not even care enough to acknowledge it.

Tell your friends the truth: that you were overwhelmed by their generosity at the time and cannot ever forget it. And that you feel terrible at having neglected to insist on paying for that professional work and that the very least you can do is to do so now, in addition to apologizing (note how Miss Manners snuck in that second apology).

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My niece was recently married for the second time, and as she had a formal wedding the first time, she chose to have a small, intimate ceremony in her garden this time. She invited her parents and her brother, but no other family members.

This seems reasonable for a second marriage. However, I found out about her wedding through a neighbor, who saw it online. I called her to congratulate her, and she said that she hoped to have a reception sometime in the future, to which extended family would be invited.

I don't know what to expect. Should I sign up for the social media platform on which my neighbor saw the news, just in case she announces the reception in the same way she announced the wedding? Is there a kinder way to announce a wedding to which very few were invited, and to extend an invitation to a future reception?

GENTLE READER: The problem with your niece's modest (and, as both you and Miss Manners agree, praiseworthy) approach to sharing her good news is that it is inconsistent with shouting it from the rooftop. Trust that if, and when, she does throw a reception, she knows where you live.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I had houseguests wall-to-wall last summer -- some departing and arriving within hours of each other. We were amazed that people who stayed for several days did not offer to take us out to a meal during their visit.

We were constantly hustling chow, taking them to see the sites and providing entertainment. From them -- nada.

Is thanking your hosts with a meal an old-fashioned idea?

GENTLE READER: Apparently, from what Miss Manners hears. But it is still on the books, regardless of the numbers of scofflaws.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)