DEAR MISS MANNERS: How can I politely send regrets to an invitation to a coin shower without feeling obligated to send a contribution? (I plan to give a cash wedding gift, as the couple requested.)

The shower invitation provides a phone number and an address in another state. I don't know the hosts. Is it gauche to reply by text?

GENTLE READER: "Coin shower"? And this, Miss Manners is to understand, is only the warm-up to the "cash tsunami" that is the wedding? How charming.

But you only asked about how to send your reply. A text is probably fine, given the casual circumstances. But a handwritten response is always better -- if only to show that the guests are less gauche than their money-grubbing hosts.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is very handy, and works for himself flipping houses and doing construction. Every time we get close to new people, they seem to expect him to fix their home needs: leaking plumbing, doors that stick, any home maintenance that they don't know how to handle.

What is a polite way to say no? We feel especially uncomfortable when we know someone is not in a good place financially. He always ends up saying yes, resentfully, and now he doesn't want to make any new friends at all because they all seem to want to use him as their personal handyman.

He has no interest in doing their work in any manner -- not for free or for money. He has enough on his plate!

GENTLE READER: And that right there is the polite way to say no: "I am very sorry, but Scott is just so busy right now, he doesn't have any extra time -- even to help out a friend. I'm sure that you, as an overworked and exhausted (insert asker's occupation) understand how precious any time away from work is."

Miss Manners' hope is that no matter the profession of your brazen new friend, they will easily be able to relate to the objection of providing free labor.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We had a friend visit us from out of town. She told us she would like to take us out to dinner one evening and asked us to choose a restaurant. We chose a very moderately priced place that we knew and liked.

When the meal was over and our friend was given the bill, she exclaimed at the total, making comments about how pricey it was, how restaurants charge so much, etc.

I was mortified. When I regained my power of speech, I stammered that I was so sorry and offered to pay for our meals. She refused, but kept going on and on about the cost, like it was a joke we all shared.

I finally got up and left the table on the pretense of showing our toddler a parade that was passing by. How could I have handled this more gracefully?

GENTLE READER: If your friend was not prepared to pay for even a moderately priced restaurant, she should not have proposed that you choose it. Still, Miss Manners suggests that next time, you give your friend a few options and have her choose one herself. That, or stick to restaurants that are on the local parade route.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Lately I've found myself in a position where loved ones decide to do me a "favor," and the result is more hassle than it would have been otherwise. For example, my family kindly brought us dinner during a medical emergency, but asked me to set the table, serve drinks and clean up. They also hassled me about my ice maker not working, and just generally called on me to host in every way when I needed to rest.

I've been given castoff items from "downsizing" family members, and overwhelmingly, it's junk that just needed to be thrown in the trash or donated. I find it hard to believe these donors really think I have a use for their hoarded items, or that they don't realize it becomes a chore for me to dispose of them.

I could name other occasions: a party ostensibly thrown in my honor that completely disregarded my (solicited!) additions to the guest list and misspelled my husband's name on the invitations; "free" furniture that was "rescued" and stored without asking if we wanted it, which we then had to pay to transport.

I find my heart sinking whenever I am asked, "What can I do to help?" because experience has taught me that the "help" will only be a hassle. I don't consider myself a controlling person, but I deeply dislike being put in this position; it makes me feel entitled and ungrateful, even as I feel intruded upon.

Does Miss Manners have any suggestions for gracefully declining offers of these "favors"? What about when the well-wisher insists?

GENTLE READER: For unwanted donations, Miss Manners suggests you practice a firm, "No, thank you, I'm afraid we simply don't have the room." And for the unsolicited help, an equally firm, "We really do not require anything right now, but we will certainly let you know if we do."

If they persist, Miss Manners suggests you come up with practical, simple and hard-to-screw-up tasks for them: a ride to the hospital, perhaps, or a trip to the grocery store to pick up ginger ale. Small and specific is the goal.

But if your loved ones inevitably come up with 38,476 questions about directions to the store, the location of the beverage aisle and the various brands, flavors and prices of ginger ale, Miss Manners is afraid that even she cannot help you. She advises you to get more competent and self-sufficient relatives.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I moved to the South, and people in my area are very religious and go to church regularly. I have no issue with this, but the problem is that folks around here ask which church you belong to.

I am at a loss as to how to answer to this question; I am not religious and was brought up in the Jewish faith. What is a good response to this question?

GENTLE READER: "Thank you, but I am not attending services at the moment. I practice privately."

You need not specify what you practice -- it could be the violin, for all Miss Manners cares -- but the hope is that by virtue of its sounding vague and mysterious, the inquiries will abruptly cease.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: So far this year, I have lost five friends, all of whom had social media accounts. Some of them have surviving loved ones who now post in their memory, but the others don't. Either way, the social media site keeps reminding me about their birthdays.

It feels rude to "unfriend" someone who has died, but it also seems wrong to wish them a happy birthday if they have passed away. What to do?

GENTLE READER: Without wading into a debate on the merits of virtual friendship, Miss Manners feels secure in saying that if you are not close enough to certain friends to know if they are alive, you do not need to wish them a happy birthday.

Meanwhile, contacting a friend you had reason to believe was alive, only to discover otherwise, is distressing -- but not rude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it impolite not to answer the door when a stranger knocks?

I answered the door for someone who was likely a scammer; I declined their offer and thanked them for their time. I later related the story to some people who said I should unequivocally never open the door for strangers.

This seems a bit silly to me, as I can think of many scenarios where talking to strangers can be beneficial. (Girl Scout cookies, anyone?) Is there a way to deter solicitors without being off-putting?

GENTLE READER: Solicitors are not easily deterred. Etiquette does not require you to answer the door to a stranger who wants to sell you something. That some will disagree (perhaps even some who are not peddling merchandise) does not convince Miss Manners she is wrong, it merely causes her to advise against being too obvious about it. That is, hiding under the bed is not required, but disapproving stares from the window are discouraged.

Once you do open the door, you have committed to some minimal interaction: thanking them, then saying that you are not interested while closing the door. Not inviting them in for tea.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter and her fiance are having a planned elopement. Only six people will be in attendance: the bride, the groom and both sets of parents. The happy couple plan to have a larger celebration next summer with approximately 75 people.

With that background information, will you please advise if it is appropriate for a friend or relative to host a bridal shower? If yes, who should be invited: all friends and family, or just those who will be invited to the eventual celebration?

GENTLE READER: Your daughter is not eloping. An elopement is when the happy couple secretly flees, usually in the middle of the night and usually to avoid parental objections.

If all the parents are willing to hold the ladder -- metaphorically, in the sense of being present -- consent is assumed.

Your daughter is having a private ceremony limited to immediate family. This is perfectly proper, as is the celebration she is hosting next summer. She does not, however, get to plan auxiliary parties in her own honor. Friends who are in on her non-secret get to decide whether to throw showers, bachelorette parties or any of the other modern accoutrements.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)