DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am good friends with a woman, and we have a mutual acquaintance, Jason. He is a bully and has low-key harassed me over the years. I do my very best to avoid him and his wife, which works, for the most part.
I have not told my friend about Jason's meanness and bullying because I don't need to drag her into it. Unfortunately, she gave me a gift that was made by Jason and his wife. I did not want this item in my house and donated it the next day to a thrift store.
Now I feel bad, as my friend spent a good amount of money for this item. I am wondering if I should have gently advised her of the situation, graciously declined the gift and let her pass it along to someone who would have appreciated it. She is totally unaware of the hurt this man and his wife have caused me and she was very generous with this gift.
Is there something else I should have done? What do I do if it happens again?
GENTLE READER: The idea that it is possible to harass someone in a low-key way is, Miss Manners realizes, not unique to you. But she cannot help noticing that the illogic of simultaneously hyping and downplaying whatever happened is what led to your present confusion.
If you were harassed, then you may have a duty to warn your friend about Jason, if not necessarily to ruin his business. If, instead, the behavior was merely annoying or insulting, without being harassing, then your instinct not to drag your friend into it was the right one.