DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I traded in his car for a used luxury sedan. As we came home from the dealership, one of our neighbors looked at the car, then at us, and asked if we'd bought a new car. I said, "Well, it's used, but new to us" and smiled. She answered back, "You can't afford that." I laughed and said, "I had no idea you were my financial adviser."

She became very angry and told me, "You don't have to be a jerk about it." I shrugged my shoulders and said, "But saying 'You can't afford that' isn't being one?"

She stalked off in a fit of anger. We walked into the building and decided to ignore her going forward.

Was I being overly sensitive? I guess it doesn't really matter, because we only ever have small talk with her. No friendship has developed from our interactions.

GENTLE READER: Nor is it likely to, Miss Manners thinks. You responded to rudeness with more rudeness, which did not make you feel better, did not make your neighbor reconsider her own behavior, and increased the total sum of unhappiness in the world. For any one of those reasons, she would have thought it did matter.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father passed away two years ago. He was not a religious man, strictly a "weddings and funerals" kind of person when it came to church, and did not hold clergy in high regard.

When he died, our family requested that in lieu of flowers, people make donations to an educational foundation he and my mother set up, or to the wonderful hospice facility that cared for him so well in his final weeks. Although many honored that request, many more instead gave money to their churches for a certain number of Masses, or even perpetual Masses, to be said for his soul.

While this might seem worthy to the giver, it bothered me. Nonetheless, we wrote thank-you notes to each person because we recognized their gesture of doing "something" in honor of my father.

But wasn't that telling them that next time, they should repeat the same thing for others who might not appreciate it? Sure enough, when my mother passed away a few months ago, we went through the same exercise.

Why do people ignore the grieving family's wishes? And what is an appropriate way to respond without encouraging the gesture in the future?

GENTLE READER: By not encouraging donations at all. With due deference both to the American entrepreneurial spirit and to your own loss, funerals are not fundraising opportunities.

They are not even gifting opportunities, as the honoree unfortunately is no longer in a position to derive any pleasure from the thoughtfulness of their loved ones. One brings food or flowers as a sign of respect -- and to provide the widow or child some immediate assistance as they grieve.

Miss Manners agrees that you will still have to express thanks, but perhaps friends who have not been instructed to make donations will be more inclined to grieve with you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a crowded area and parking is a hot topic. My car was parked in my driveway, and as I was loading stuff into the back, a person drove up and asked, "Are you leaving now?" I said, "This is my driveway," and repeated it a few times, adding, "I'm the only one who can park here."

I was honestly confused. They explained that they were asking my permission to park in front of the driveway "for five minutes," which is illegal. I kind of see the logic, but I want to be able to leave my driveway whenever I feel like it. Also, I have no power to allow anyone to park illegally (or to commit any other crime).

I ended up saying "fine," just to be done with it.

Were they wrong in asking me that favor? What should I have said? I honestly didn't need to leave during that five minutes, but it still bothers me.

GENTLE READER: Presuming you were not being asked to assist in a bank robbery incidental to the parking violation, the etiquette question seems, to Miss Manners, to be more interesting than the legal one.

Given her area of expertise, this is fortunate.

The driver asked for a favor. This is not a breach of etiquette, nor is it one you cannot decline if you wish. These days she assumes that anyone, at any moment, could truthfully say, "I'm sorry, I can't, I'm expecting a package." But if that is not the case, there is always, "I need it clear for the next hour."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My widowed sister is remarrying, and I couldn't be happier for the couple. My problem concerns a bridal shower being given by some of her friends, to which I am invited.

I will be the maid of honor and realize it is appropriate for me to at least attend, but the shower is taking place literally halfway across the country from me. I can barely afford the plane ticket for the wedding itself.

Is it acceptable for me to propose to the hostesses that I "attend" via videoconference to let my sister know that I am happy for her, despite my inability to attend the shower in person?

GENTLE READER: "Attending" virtually, is not, as you acknowledge by your use of quotes, the same thing as attending. The technology will, no doubt, continue to evolve. But for now, asking guests to squat in a circle around a computer monitor or phone, jockeying for a position in which they can see and hear the speaker, is an imposition.

Were you an infirm matriarch who could only be included through such means, Miss Manners would agree to such an accommodation for a limited portion of the event. In the situation you describe, your sister will no doubt be far more grateful for an extended phone call at another time, and such assistance as you can provide from a distance.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I don't understand croutons.

I love salad, and would like to enjoy croutons on my salad, but they are the size and shape of dice and the consistency of pumice. They are impossible to stab with a fork, and nearly impossible to balance on one.

My attempts at gracefully rendering them into a more manageable size invariably go awry, sending chunks flying off my plate. I've taken to just picking them up with my fingers and crumbling them over my salad (which is also difficult!) but this feels a little uncouth.

What is the proper way to tackle a crouton? The whole thing reminds me of the ridiculous wedge salad. Salad should not be so difficult as to require more than one utensil, in my opinion.

By the way, I only have this problem at restaurants. At home, I simply enjoy my "croutons" in the form of seasoned breadcrumbs or crumbled seasoned stuffing mix.

GENTLE READER: What Miss Manners doesn't understand is what is going on in the kitchens where these salads are being prepared. Have the sous chefs not tried eating their own salads?

And it's not just those croutons and the lettuce wedges, both of which could be used to play pickleball. What about the tomatoes, cut in quarters or fifths?

You are hereby authorized to ask the waiter quietly to return the salad to the kitchen to be cut into bite-sized pieces.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother, who is 16 years younger than me, was just accepted to the university he has dreamed of attending since he was 8 years old. I want to do all that I can to show my support and would love to invite other relatives to do the same.

My brother and I have different fathers, and there are very few relatives remaining on our mother's side, so most of his family members are not related to me and don't know me very well.

I have heard of a new trend called a "bed party," the idea of which is to decorate the bed of a new college student and shower them with gifts, merchandise from their new college and, of course, money. Would it be polite for me to invite others to help me throw one of these parties for my brother, or is this too much like begging on his behalf? I am certain many would be happy to send him a small gift or some cash, but I don't want to obligate them.

If it would be appropriate, should I send announcements in the mail, or should I call or text? I feel that an announcement with an invitation to send a small gift for a surprise "bed party" might give people a way to decline gift-giving without embarrassment.

GENTLE READER: Hardly a day passes when Miss Manners does not hear of yet another party idea that involves presents. And yes, you do risk antagonizing people by soliciting presents and money from them -- especially when they are your brother's relatives who might have already been generous to him.

Just give your brother a congratulatory party, dropping the word "shower." Some guests will bring presents anyway, either because they want to or because they have never heard of a social gathering without that toll. But no one will feel coerced.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)