DEAR MISS MANNERS: I don't understand croutons.

I love salad, and would like to enjoy croutons on my salad, but they are the size and shape of dice and the consistency of pumice. They are impossible to stab with a fork, and nearly impossible to balance on one.

My attempts at gracefully rendering them into a more manageable size invariably go awry, sending chunks flying off my plate. I've taken to just picking them up with my fingers and crumbling them over my salad (which is also difficult!) but this feels a little uncouth.

What is the proper way to tackle a crouton? The whole thing reminds me of the ridiculous wedge salad. Salad should not be so difficult as to require more than one utensil, in my opinion.

By the way, I only have this problem at restaurants. At home, I simply enjoy my "croutons" in the form of seasoned breadcrumbs or crumbled seasoned stuffing mix.

GENTLE READER: What Miss Manners doesn't understand is what is going on in the kitchens where these salads are being prepared. Have the sous chefs not tried eating their own salads?

And it's not just those croutons and the lettuce wedges, both of which could be used to play pickleball. What about the tomatoes, cut in quarters or fifths?

You are hereby authorized to ask the waiter quietly to return the salad to the kitchen to be cut into bite-sized pieces.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother, who is 16 years younger than me, was just accepted to the university he has dreamed of attending since he was 8 years old. I want to do all that I can to show my support and would love to invite other relatives to do the same.

My brother and I have different fathers, and there are very few relatives remaining on our mother's side, so most of his family members are not related to me and don't know me very well.

I have heard of a new trend called a "bed party," the idea of which is to decorate the bed of a new college student and shower them with gifts, merchandise from their new college and, of course, money. Would it be polite for me to invite others to help me throw one of these parties for my brother, or is this too much like begging on his behalf? I am certain many would be happy to send him a small gift or some cash, but I don't want to obligate them.

If it would be appropriate, should I send announcements in the mail, or should I call or text? I feel that an announcement with an invitation to send a small gift for a surprise "bed party" might give people a way to decline gift-giving without embarrassment.

GENTLE READER: Hardly a day passes when Miss Manners does not hear of yet another party idea that involves presents. And yes, you do risk antagonizing people by soliciting presents and money from them -- especially when they are your brother's relatives who might have already been generous to him.

Just give your brother a congratulatory party, dropping the word "shower." Some guests will bring presents anyway, either because they want to or because they have never heard of a social gathering without that toll. But no one will feel coerced.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Should I say "please" and "thank you" to my virtual assistants? I'm not happy with the ongoing dehumanization of our society -- for example, replacing the jobs of human beings with checkout robots so we don't have to stand in line and look at our neighbors for four minutes.

I don't ordinarily say, "Siri, PLEASE add milk to my grocery list." But at the same time, I feel like we lose something as human beings when we stop being courteous, even to people and things that cannot appreciate it. I'm torn on this.

GENTLE READER: Technically, you need not offer courtesies to inanimate objects, even ones that simulate being your helpmate. The trouble is with the manners of those who no longer distinguish between them and human beings.

There is a difference. And if people would address one another respectfully, there might be even more of a difference.

Miss Manners respectfully requests that those in a position to influence the instructions issued with technology require that commands be issued politely.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's manager has a habit of calling after work and on weekends, leading to conversations that last for hours about matters that are not urgent. My husband doesn't want to upset his manager, and does enjoy talking with him for shorter conversations.

Once, his manager called me after my husband did not pick up the phone. I told him we were eating dinner, but that he could call back afterwards.

He wouldn't accept no for an answer, so I responded, "Excuse me, what I meant to say is that we WILL have dinner without interruptions." He finally said he would speak to him tomorrow instead.

Was there a more polite way of handling this? How do you politely respond to someone without boundaries?

GENTLE READER: You might ask your husband that. Perhaps he has some thoughts about the boundaries that should be observed between you and his boss.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After my son's wedding, some sticky situations have arisen with respect to gifts. Some friends and relatives we've been quite close with -- and generous to, throughout their occasions over the years -- have either given my son very minimal gifts or none at all.

Our feelings are rather hurt and we are questioning whether or not these relationships are even worth keeping. If we decide to distance ourselves as a result, do we say why? Or do we raise the issue with them and give them an opportunity to fix it?

I know we're not supposed to focus much on the gift-giving aspect, but when you've given to others all along and feel a lack of caring or thoughtfulness in return, it becomes difficult not to pay attention to it.

GENTLE READER: Evidently you have asked yourself what friends are for, if not to give lavish presents when the occasion presents itself. Under those conditions, you may consider these friendships over. Miss Manners assures you that they will not revive if you let them know the price of your friendship.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 45-year-old professional woman who is employed in higher education. I am also a married mother with three adult children. Like many people, I have a social media account with bland commentary on current events.

I also have a relatively large anonymous account, which has tens of thousands of followers. I love this account and I enjoy the chance to use sarcasm and wit.

Twice, my sister has asked if I was behind this particular account in what I would consider a joking manner. I denied it both times. A dear friend asked me if I had seen the account and mentioned that reading it feels like talking to me, but funnier. She asked, "It's not you, is it?" then laughed. I denied it.

My husband doesn't know anything about it, and my kids may or may not be mortified if they found out.

There is nothing on the account that would ruin my life; there have been no online affairs or flirting. However, I would like to keep this to myself. It could also somewhat diminish the professional persona I have cultivated with students.

In a case like this, is it permissible to lie? If I were to die suddenly and someone accessed my phone, it would certainly be discovered. Logging out of the account is something I have considered, but I decided it was too inconvenient when I want to post on a whim.

I have always planned to delete it sometime before I die, but if my demise were untimely and I am discovered, is this a betrayal? Should I delete the account?

GENTLE READER: Surely this is the plot of a rom-com.

In it, the husband unwittingly discovers the titillating social media posts and falls in love with its writing, fearful that this is a betrayal of his wife. But then the true identity is somehow discovered and the betrayal is hers!

A montage would ensue where the couple separates, pursues their own creative endeavors and then finally run into one another. And with renewed love and respect, and better communication, all would end happily.

Allow Miss Manners to spare you Steps 1 through 3. For the sake of your marriage, she recommends you confide in your husband only -- and gain his assurance that he will keep the secret. As for the others, Miss Manners will permit you to continue the charade of pretending that those who ask are joking -- as long as you can believably back it up when you inevitably get found out.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Although it does not happen often, I nonetheless find it quite irritating when someone rings my doorbell and knocks loudly at the same time. The doorbell is close to the door and sufficiently loud on its own.

What is the proper response to this -- hopefully one that will cause the person to ring first, then listen before knocking?

GENTLE READER: A look of panic as you open the door, followed by, "Is everything all right?! Do you seek immediate shelter?!"

This, Miss Manners hopes, will at least give your guests pause to consider the alarming effect of their dual-handed assault on your door.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)