DEAR MISS MANNERS: We often host friends and family for overnight visits. Before departing, some of our guests take it upon themselves to strip their beds and take their linens to the laundry room; some even start the washing machine. Of course we have never even hinted that this is expected, as it most certainly is not.

For me, it's also absolutely unwanted. I find it insulting that they act as if we're the kind of hosts that would expect them to do this. My wife disagrees and says they're only trying to be helpful, but I wonder if they don't trust us to wash the sheets between guests.

I was always taught that while it's important to be a gracious host, it's also important to be a gracious guest.

GENTLE READER: How about teaching you not to presume unkind motives where none are intended? Your guests are merely trying to lessen your burden and pitch in -- not to criticize your home care and hygiene.

Miss Manners will concede, however, that starting the washing machine without asking is an overstep. Proper overnight protocol is to strip the bed, put the bed cover back on it and put the folded sheets on top of the cover at the bottom of the bed. The trick is to fold them just nicely enough to look tidy, but not so neat that the host will mistake the set for clean ones -- and then unwittingly remake the bed with dirty sheets.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to the wedding of a friend of my son's from high school. This was not just a casual friend, but one who spent a lot of time in my home. I would even make him special dinners if he requested them.

I thought of him as my "Bonus Son." I also became friends with his mother, who had no problem with me treating him like another son.

I won't pry, as these boys are now adults, but apparently, there was some kind of falling-out between him and my son. The groom refuses to tell me what happened, but he has disinvited me from the wedding.

Is it wrong for me to not send a wedding gift? I also know the bride, as they all graduated together in our small town.

I am very hurt and I am not sure where I stand, though no one has insinuated that I have done anything wrong. I canceled my leave request from work for the wedding. My heart is broken!

GENTLE READER: Did you think to ask your son what the rift was about? Because while Miss Manners generally agrees that parents should stay out of their adult children's affairs, it seems odd that you would not at least consider defending him.

All things being equal, the bridegroom -- who had his own relationship with you -- should not have excluded you when his anger was with your son. But depending upon the nature of the quarrel, you may well consider standing in solidarity with your real son, rather than with your bonus one.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in a cubicle in a fairly small, open-space office. One of the other sections of the office contains a group of kids in their 20s. They are constantly talking and laughing throughout the day.

I don't mind that they talk, but the problem is that they are loud. Very loud. Way, way too loud! Even though I sit all the way across the room, I can hear their conversations perfectly. They seem to share every aspect of their lives and feel the need to vocalize every little thought that comes into their heads.

It has gotten to the point where I am having a hard time focusing on the tasks at my desk. I am not allowed to wear noise-canceling headphones because it could prevent me from answering an important telephone call.

A couple weeks ago, I sent an anonymous letter to the director of human resources listing my concerns, but nothing has changed. If anything, it's become worse. I have hesitated to speak with my supervisor because she is friends with the supervisor of the loud sector.

I don't want to be considered a "buzzkill" or get a reputation for being a complainer. However, the noise is affecting my production, and I don't think that's right.

GENTLE READER: This is a business, not a college dormitory, and the noisy employees are not the popular kids.

Miss Manners says this for you to keep in mind -- not because she is confident it is apparent to the human resources director, your boss, their boss or them.

You should speak to your supervisor, the human resources director or both. But you need to do so in a language they will understand. You must speak about avoiding reduced productivity (not your failure to focus) by finding reasonable accommodations for your preferred work environment, as it differs from that preferred by your co-workers (not the "kids in their 20s" who keep "talking and laughing").

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our church recently held a picnic for those who volunteer their time and talent. A committee of six people puts the picnic on each year and makes the food.

The rub is that one of the six refuses to eat anyone else's food! She and her spouse fill their plate with only their food and, when they go back for seconds, it's the same thing.

The rest of our small group noticed and, frankly, we feel offended. We know it isn't because of special dietary needs. We said nothing to them and will continue to seethe silently -- or should we?

GENTLE READER: It was Miss Manners' impression that many churches concern themselves with harder problems -- such as how to treat with charity and compassion those who have done us actual harm. But even humble etiquette sees no profit in seeking to punish someone who did nothing at all.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I understand that "Stop by and see us anytime" is not a real invitation and should not be acted upon. But if they include their street address, does that change the calculus?

GENTLE READER: It makes it more likely that they would be pleased to see you, which is a reason to go -- not a reason to do so without advance warning.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was talking with a colleague the other day when he referred to his "baby mama" and how he had helped her through a recent illness. Upon the conclusion of our conversation, I wished him and his "friend and, uh, baby mama" (mumbled) good health.

I love that families come in all shapes and sizes, but I have a hard time with the term "baby mama." It is grammatically incorrect. Besides that, was it a demotion to call her a "friend"? Or does "baby mama" imply that she and my colleague have no greater allegiance to each other than their baby? Is it simply most polite to refer to someone by the same title with which he or she was introduced?

GENTLE READER: As your friend's situation becomes less unusual, a respectful term to describe the mother of his child will have to be found. But Miss Manners agrees that, even if one were willing to throw grammar to the wind, your friend's nomenclature is not it.

A respectful term would not infantilize the bearer, which may be why we have no evidence that the woman in question uses it herself. There are many grammatical ways to avoid using this term without the challenge of contradicting it, from "I wish you and Susan the best with little Georgie" to "That's great! I can't wait to meet everybody."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I fly, I like to sit in the window seat. I enjoy the light, the additional space, the quiet away from the aisle and especially the view. From plane windows, I have seen the Grand Canyon, the Alps, a comet, towering thunderclouds with lightning flashes, and many other wonders.

Occasionally a person sitting next to me asks me to close the window so that they can watch a movie. I don't want to. They can watch the movie anytime, but my show exists only at 35,000 feet.

I have tried to explain, but I often just cave in. Is there a polite way for me to handle this and still get my view?

GENTLE READER: In the days when paper airplane tickets were ubiquitous, airlines were happy to print unpleasant truths on the back, albeit in grammatically tortured, microscopic print.

Miss Manners recalls that the substance was that your flight may not leave on time -- or at all; that it may leave without you or your baggage; or that worse things may happen en route.

What should have been included was that you will have to suspend, for a time, normal expectations about your control of the space around you -- or to put it more succinctly, to share.

Tell your seatmate you are happy to close the shade during his movie, but would like to have it open as you cross the mountains, or whenever the movement of the aircraft suggests there is something worth seeing.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)