DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother-in-law is a very outgoing person. She is also an addict.

She makes friends quickly. Her friendships are generally short-lived because of her addiction, but while they last, they are intense. Her friends tend to see her as a victim; they are very protective of her and anxious to set things right.

We do care about her, but we also know that enabling her addictions would be the worst possible thing for her, and for us. We will help her with necessities in an emergency, and we give her generous gifts (within our household budget -- we are far from wealthy) for holidays and special occasions, but we also do a whole lot of saying "no" to outrageous demands. She blames me for this, though I tend to be more generous than her son is, since he carries a good amount more resentment toward her.

Have I always gotten it just right? Probably not. Have I done my best to see things from all sides, forgive some hurts and do what is right? Absolutely.

She complains about me to her friends, and I am bombarded with phone calls from relative strangers who accuse me of heartlessness and heap on the guilt.

I have no interest in joining in the name-calling and accusations. There is no point in offering up facts to each infatuated new enabler. How does one politely, but with absolute firmness, tell the outraged and self-righteous to mind their own business?

GENTLE READER: By coldly informing them that they have their facts wrong, explaining that you now have to go -- and quietly hanging up.

Timing is critical, as you do not want to leave the impression that you are slamming the phone down, but neither should you agree to share the actual details with someone who, Miss Manners agrees, has no right to inquire.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was a guest at a group dinner featuring a cuisine traditionally eaten with chopsticks. The restaurant served the meal "family style," with several common dishes in the middle of the table with the intent that diners serve themselves. No serving utensils were provided.

In this setting, what is the proper way to serve oneself from the common plates? The concern is, of course, that using one's own chopsticks to serve from a common dish is unsanitary.

GENTLE READER: Restaurants also sometimes forget to set as many places as there are people, but that does not mean the last arrival is expected to eat with her hands. Miss Manners instructs you to ask a passing waiter for serving utensils.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I met this guy almost three years ago. We dated for about seven weeks, then he broke it off. We stayed in touch for about a year, and then he asked me to come over for dinner, and we started seeing each other again. But then this past May, he broke it off because he thought that I did not think he was doing enough.

I was so upset that I put all of the cards he had given me, plus some special items, in a bag and dropped them off at his door. We started talking two weeks after that, and are now slowly getting back on track. But I want the cards back.

How and when do I get them back? I did ask him, and he replied, "I'm not sure. That might be a question for Miss Manners." He was definitely upset that I put all that on his doorstep.

GENTLE READER: As well he should have been. Returning letters and presents after a breakup is a way of saying that even the memory of the relationship is painful. At the same time, one might find it a relief to recover written evidence of a possibly defunct passion.

Is it really a viable relationship? Miss Manners has no idea, and suspects that neither of you do yet, either. Perhaps when you both feel that it is, he will either return the cards or write you something comparable.

But you should remember that he has a strong aversion to pressure from you that he is not doing enough. It would not be helpful to repeat that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I do not know how to write an obituary for the person I chose not to marry, but whose engagement ring I have been wearing for 16 years while we lived together.

I am fine with calling him my "fiance." My problem: I have two sons from a previous relationship who became very close to him after their father's death. Are they to be mentioned in the obituary? Also their children?

GENTLE READER: As living arrangements have changed, so have obituaries. Listing those closest to the departed serves not only as a record, but to notify others where sympathy would be appreciated.

Offhand, Miss Manners cannot think of the word to describe the bond your sons feel, but has no problem with your mentioning them among those who are bereaved.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am invited to a 50th birthday luncheon for a girlfriend, and the invite says "no gifts, please." What can I do instead?

GENTLE READER: Answer promptly, congratulate your friend, socialize with her other friends, thank her and put her on the guest list for your next celebration.

Miss Manners would think that people who mistakenly believe that they must pay admission in some form for social events would be relieved to know that these are their only duties.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine, who lives in the same city, recently reached out: She had invited guests to stay with her the coming weekend, but the number of guests meant that she had nowhere to sleep, so she wanted to know if she could stay with me.

I said yes, but that I would be preparing for a work trip, leaving early Sunday morning for the airport. I said she was welcome to stay overnight and leave the keys on the counter when she left.

I truly don't mind having guests -- it's why I bought a place with extra space -- but it feels like her agreement to host her guests has somehow ended up my responsibility. And I had only a few days' notice to clean my house and prepare the guest room, when I assume she's known for a while that she had folks flying in from out of town.

I know I could've said no, and probably should've, but now that I'm obligated, I'm just interested in the etiquette here. If you offer to host out-of-town guests and end up putting yourself out of your own home, is becoming someone else's guest really the most elegant solution?

GENTLE READER: As you know, you should have said no. Your friend doesn't know how to say no, either, or she would not find herself crowded out of her own home.

Acting against your own interests is not a violation of etiquette, but Miss Manners believes that you would both profit from learning to say "I'm so sorry, but ... "

Perhaps standing by your word, which is the decent thing to do, will remind you to refrain from making commitments you will later regret.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our daughter graduated from college earlier this year, and if we send out the announcements we purchased, some family members and close friends will likely send her something. I understand that the announcements should have been sent following the ceremony, and I don't intend them to be a gift grab.

The issue is that she is working overseas and will not return until the end of the year. She would be unable to send handwritten thank-you notes until well after the approved time frame.

Given the circumstances, what is the appropriate thing to do to acknowledge her accomplishments without offending anyone?

GENTLE READER: As these are relatives and close friends, why do you need the formality of a printed announcement? Can you not just tell them that your daughter graduated and is now working overseas?

Of course, if they already know, the announcements will absolutely seem like a nudge to do something about it -- a gift grab, which is what you say you do not intend. What else would they be if the information is already known?

Should presents arrive for your daughter, you should tell her so that she can write her thanks. (Miss Manners is presuming that the country where she is working has a postal system.) Waiting six months for her return would leave the donors wondering whether the gifts had arrived, and your daughter claiming to have had no time to write while she was setting up her new life.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)