DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've become that grumpy old woman that many call a "Karen." I'm 73. I live with chronic lower back pain, which took hold about 12 years ago. I'm doing my best to manage it with the help of excellent doctors and therapists.

My husband of 30 years resents my change in circumstances from a vibrant, "go anywhere, do anything" personality to what he terms a "cranky, useless old lady."

His insults and lack of respect have taken a toll on me, admittedly. I only divulge this to explain that my sadness, anger and resentment toward this situation are causing me to be rude to others in public.

Understanding that my personal situation is in flux, how can I arm myself to be kinder and more gracious when clerks and salespeople are less friendly, helpful and understanding than I was coached to be when I worked in retail? I know times have changed. Things are tough everywhere, and I try to allow for that. But it seems more and more, I'm in the wrong, and I can't seem to find my easier, gentler self.

Miss Manners, where did my good manners go and how can I navigate this period of my life with grace?

GENTLE READER: As you realize, if Miss Manners gave out passes for people with tough circumstances to be rude and short-tempered, society -- so close to the brink already -- would completely fall apart.

You have taken the first step by recognizing your transgressions and showing some willingness to change. You do not want to practice the rudeness you deplore.

If we can all try to remember that the rest of the world does not exist solely to make our lives harder and assume good intent -- even when it seems unlikely -- it would go a long way towards general improvement.

Besides, there is nothing quite so satisfying as disarming another person's rudeness by being relentlessly polite. Miss Manners suggests you try it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Should the man or the woman have the view of the dining room?

GENTLE READER: Why? What are we looking at?

There are all sorts of gender-based and sexist rules about where one should sit in a restaurant. (Miss Manners assumes that that is what we are talking about, but confesses that it took her a moment to get there.)

For example, there is a rule that requires the (presumably male) person facing the room at large to survey it in case of danger. There is another that suggests the (presumably male) date only face his (presumably female) date, and the wall, in order not to be distracted by better prospects. Yet another suggests that the woman survey the room so that she can better enjoy and comment on the view -- undoubtedly rooted in her not having anything else about which to talk.

Rather than defer to any of these outdated stereotypes, Miss Manners suggests that restaurant guests choose their seat based on preferences and practicalities, politely duking it out amongst themselves when they get their table.

Miss Manners' own preference is to sit at her dining table at home -- for the very practical reason of being better able to hear her guests' conversation unfettered by din.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How should I edit the following email to a colleague so as to reconcile the situation? My honesty is not always expressed politely, even less so when I am tired.

Generally, everyone in my workplace are all weirdos and impolitic, and also great friends, but I need a little extra help with politeness in this case.

"Dear Colleague,

"Can we please move past recent events (wherein we disagreed about a trivial topic, both believing ourselves to be correct)? However, I was correct, and don't wish to indicate otherwise. I understand you undoubtedly feel the same.

"We were in a tense situation and were exceptionally sleep-deprived and overstretched. That stress-causing event is finished. We are rested now.

"How can we fix this, or at least lay down arms? I know if you had truly moved past it, you wouldn't be avoiding me. You can be oblivious and thoughtless as well, and we usually just let things slide. What gives?"

GENTLE READER: This letter, at once antagonistic and incendiary, is anything but an apology. Miss Manners wonders what you hoped to achieve by sending it, except to prolong the argument.

She therefore suggests the following edit:

"Dear Colleague,

"How can we fix this?"

She further recommends that you and your colleagues all get more sleep.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Almost 10 years ago, we did a major remodel to our living quarters. Our former contractor and architect contacted us this week to see if a current client could come to our home and inspect a fixture we had installed.

The fixture is European and apparently not on display in our city.

I am uncomfortable having complete strangers in my home, and specifically my bedroom, to see whether they like the appearance of the fixture. My husband feels it is rude to deny the request, as we both like the contractor and may wish to hire him for a future project.

Is their request reasonable, and I am just being rude?

GENTLE READER: Their request is not unreasonable, but it is also not absurd for you to not want to make your house a showroom.

Miss Manners suggests responding with something like, "We prefer not to have strangers in the house for health reasons, but we'd be happy to take pictures or even shoot a short video if your clients want to get a better idea of how it operates."

There are few enough advantages to this lingering pandemic; Miss Manners sees no reason not to take them where we can -- especially when it comes to health and safety. Those are two things against which your contractor -- and husband -- surely cannot argue.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a surgeon, and part of my job is to consult on patients of other doctors at the hospital. Another physician will phone me and ask me to see the patient, then give them my opinion on the most appropriate treatment.

I generally visit these patients either between surgeries during the day, or in the evening, after I am done with my clinic or operations. On a couple of occasions, the patient has answered their cellphone while I am talking to them. They will say "hold on a minute," or simply hold up a finger, while they embark on a personal conversation.

The last time this happened, I stood there for several minutes while the patient asked the caller "what he was up to" and discussed their recent social activities. In that situation, I interrupted, saying, "If you need to take this call, I can come back later." But I'm not sure that this was the most appropriate way to handle it.

I am not able to come back whenever is convenient for them, as most of my day is filled with my own clinic and operating room. Further, inpatient consults are supposed to be for urgent problems, so I do want to see them in a timely manner.

What should I do? Is there a polite way for me to ask them to defer a non-urgent call so that I can complete my assessment?

GENTLE READER: Not having, herself, a shred of medical training, you will, politely, correct Miss Manners if she is mistaken in her understanding that, after completing the difficult bits in an operation, surgeons are allowed to leave "closing up" to assistants.

She mentions this because it reveals the problem in your recent response. Interrupting the call your patient so rudely took was the hard part, but the job was not complete at that point. And since the patient cannot finish this job, you will have to do it: Excuse yourself, and leave to attend your other patients.

The referring physician can then explain to the patient how that behavior interfered with the hospital's care.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My cousin had a baby! I am very happy for her. However, there has been no announcement about the baby's birth, or even my cousin's pregnancy. I've only been told about the event through my parents. My aunt, this cousin's mother, has contacted me about other things, but has never told me directly about the baby.

My cousin shares things about her work on social media, but not about this. I have her address from her wedding announcement a few years ago, but I believe they've moved since then.

I think the birth of a child is something wonderful to celebrate. I would love to reach out to my cousin in some way to acknowledge this wonderful event, but I am not sure if I am even supposed to know. What is the appropriate course of action here?

GENTLE READER: Do you truly think this baby is supposed to be a secret? Or are we making a rhetorical point that there should have been an announcement?

Miss Manners will agree with the latter, but thinks it would be nicer to contact your cousin than to wait until the baby's college graduation.

However, if it really is the former, then Miss Manners promises not to tell.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)