DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 21-year-old daughter has been dating a conservative young man since high school. He seems nice enough, and he is highly intelligent. They are both studying business in college.

She seems to want to marry him, and I have reservations. I am wondering what your thoughts might be on the following:

He does not give gifts, and may skip occasions such as wedding anniversaries (if they have them), birthdays, Christmas and all the rest. He says that there is far too much commercialization around holidays, and that it forces people to purchase and receive gifts that no one really wants.

I am worried because people tend to take each other for granted the longer they are married, unless they work not to do that. My husband and I have been married for 30 years, so I know how easy that is to do. It looks to me like it has already started, and she does not even have a ring yet.

My daughter is no saint, but she is a giving person with a lot going for her. If he is showing her his appreciation in other ways, I am not privy to it. In my experience, every man who has ever said they "don't do gifts" has turned out to be a dud. What is your opinion? Should I worry?

GENTLE READER: It seems unlikely that you need Miss Manners' permission to worry if a potential son-in-law is good enough for your daughter, but you have it, along with a bit of advice: Remember that your concern is that he treat your daughter well, not that he buy her things.

You and Miss Manners understand that his position on gifts is immature, pedestrian and self-serving -- not to mention confusing, as most business students at least tolerate commerce. But the young man believes it is logical, modern -- and, the poor dear, original.

What you need to know is whether there are more important aspects of the young man's behavior toward your daughter that you need to worry about. Talk to her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How should one respond to a stranger's questions about one's ethnicity?

I was checking out of a grocery store when the cashier asked me, "Are you (insert ethnicity here)?" This is not the first time I've been asked this intrusive, increasingly annoying question by a complete stranger. I think it's rude and I don't want to answer.

In this case, I asked her why she needed to know. Her response was, "Because you look like you're from there." The entire interaction annoyed me. I would like to know how, or even if, I should respond to a stranger's question about my ethnicity.

GENTLE READER: "I don't know you that well. Are the peas on sale?"

Miss Manners includes the second half by way of illustration of how to change the subject, not because of a premonition about the vegetables in your local grocery.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As parents, it is hard to see our children move away to college, but I believe raising them to fly is one of our most important jobs.

As college students form bonds, I see many out-of-state students get "adopted" by local students' families. There is comfort found in an occasional home-cooked meal, a much-needed mom hug or fatherly advice, and perhaps even a holiday celebration when students lack the time or means to go home.

My son was lucky enough to meet one such family. As an out-of-state mom, there is a true comfort in knowing another family is close by to help fill the gap and support my child.

Thank-you notes, albeit genuine, just don't seem to be enough to express the genuine gratitude I have for this family, who have been my son's "home away from home" for four years. I simply don't know what is an appropriate yet affordable thank-you in this situation.

GENTLE READER: As you point out, a parent's job is to enable the child to operate successfully on his own. If you have done this, your child will have written these people an effusive letter and given some thought to how else to please them.

It would be gracious to add your thanks to his, and to add a present, even if he has done so already. Your son, not Miss Manners, is the person who will be able to tell you, after four years of visiting them, what they might like.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance and I are getting married in February at 3 p.m. and there is a debate over whether he should wear a morning suit or a tuxedo.

The ceremony will end around 4 p.m., the reception will start around 5 p.m. and sunset will happen shortly thereafter. He will not have time to change (nor will he want to) between the ceremony and the reception.

So the question is, which is the worse infraction: tuxedos when the sun is up or morning suits at night?

GENTLE READER: Wrong question.

Right question: Which is the key part of this event? Is it a ceremony with a party attached, or a party with the ceremony as a curtain-raiser?

As you are among the few brides who are even aware that there is a difference between daytime and evening formal clothes, Miss Manners trusts you to choose the right answer and put your fiance in morning clothes.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister wants me to use her married name on all mail -- and she doesn't even want me to use her first name. It has to be "Mrs. Husband's Last Name."

I feel creepy about this, and have stopped sending her mail because of it. To me, the demand feels like another example of my brother-in-law's controlling behavior -- not just of my sister, but of me too.

GENTLE READER: Didn't you just state that this is how your sister wants you to address her? Who is it, then, who is ignoring her wishes with the unpleasant effect of cutting her off from relations?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After the tragedy in Uvalde, the chief of police began his statement with the greeting, "Good afternoon."

The next day, after an understandably sleepless night, I arrived at my job -- at a school -- filled with grief, only to be told "Good morning!" by five different colleagues.

All of these greetings seemed insensitive considering the circumstances. Are these good manners? Is this an appropriate greeting under the circumstances?

GENTLE READER: Do you imagine, even for one second, that the police or your colleagues were enjoying the day and wishing that you would, too?

Miss Manners should not have to point out that this is a conventional greeting, not to be taken literally. Have you never said "Goodnight" on a stormy evening?

Of course your feelings are raw at such a time. So are everyone else's. Please do not exacerbate the situation by vilifying people for delivering an automatic courtesy with no intention of ill will.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I don't know how to refer to my husband who passed away. He is not my "ex," nor my "former" husband. If someone asks, I can say he passed away, but I don't know how to refer to him in casual conversation. Is there a proper way?

GENTLE READER: "My late husband."

Miss Manners hopes that the conventions have not succumbed to literal interpretation to the point where people will ask you why he does not show up on time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I frequently host guests overnight, and I have noticed that the toilet in the guest bathroom is often only partially flushed. I know the cause of this is my eco-friendly toilet, which requires a long flush on occasion. How can I notify guests of how to operate my toilet without embarrassing them?

GENTLE READER: You know what would really embarrass guests?

Being unable to flush the toilet successfully.

Miss Manners considers it to be a basic duty of a host to warn guests of any such traps. If you cannot say the word "toilet" without blushing, leave a small sign in the bathroom.