DEAR MISS MANNERS: As parents, it is hard to see our children move away to college, but I believe raising them to fly is one of our most important jobs.

As college students form bonds, I see many out-of-state students get "adopted" by local students' families. There is comfort found in an occasional home-cooked meal, a much-needed mom hug or fatherly advice, and perhaps even a holiday celebration when students lack the time or means to go home.

My son was lucky enough to meet one such family. As an out-of-state mom, there is a true comfort in knowing another family is close by to help fill the gap and support my child.

Thank-you notes, albeit genuine, just don't seem to be enough to express the genuine gratitude I have for this family, who have been my son's "home away from home" for four years. I simply don't know what is an appropriate yet affordable thank-you in this situation.

GENTLE READER: As you point out, a parent's job is to enable the child to operate successfully on his own. If you have done this, your child will have written these people an effusive letter and given some thought to how else to please them.

It would be gracious to add your thanks to his, and to add a present, even if he has done so already. Your son, not Miss Manners, is the person who will be able to tell you, after four years of visiting them, what they might like.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance and I are getting married in February at 3 p.m. and there is a debate over whether he should wear a morning suit or a tuxedo.

The ceremony will end around 4 p.m., the reception will start around 5 p.m. and sunset will happen shortly thereafter. He will not have time to change (nor will he want to) between the ceremony and the reception.

So the question is, which is the worse infraction: tuxedos when the sun is up or morning suits at night?

GENTLE READER: Wrong question.

Right question: Which is the key part of this event? Is it a ceremony with a party attached, or a party with the ceremony as a curtain-raiser?

As you are among the few brides who are even aware that there is a difference between daytime and evening formal clothes, Miss Manners trusts you to choose the right answer and put your fiance in morning clothes.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister wants me to use her married name on all mail -- and she doesn't even want me to use her first name. It has to be "Mrs. Husband's Last Name."

I feel creepy about this, and have stopped sending her mail because of it. To me, the demand feels like another example of my brother-in-law's controlling behavior -- not just of my sister, but of me too.

GENTLE READER: Didn't you just state that this is how your sister wants you to address her? Who is it, then, who is ignoring her wishes with the unpleasant effect of cutting her off from relations?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After the tragedy in Uvalde, the chief of police began his statement with the greeting, "Good afternoon."

The next day, after an understandably sleepless night, I arrived at my job -- at a school -- filled with grief, only to be told "Good morning!" by five different colleagues.

All of these greetings seemed insensitive considering the circumstances. Are these good manners? Is this an appropriate greeting under the circumstances?

GENTLE READER: Do you imagine, even for one second, that the police or your colleagues were enjoying the day and wishing that you would, too?

Miss Manners should not have to point out that this is a conventional greeting, not to be taken literally. Have you never said "Goodnight" on a stormy evening?

Of course your feelings are raw at such a time. So are everyone else's. Please do not exacerbate the situation by vilifying people for delivering an automatic courtesy with no intention of ill will.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I don't know how to refer to my husband who passed away. He is not my "ex," nor my "former" husband. If someone asks, I can say he passed away, but I don't know how to refer to him in casual conversation. Is there a proper way?

GENTLE READER: "My late husband."

Miss Manners hopes that the conventions have not succumbed to literal interpretation to the point where people will ask you why he does not show up on time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I frequently host guests overnight, and I have noticed that the toilet in the guest bathroom is often only partially flushed. I know the cause of this is my eco-friendly toilet, which requires a long flush on occasion. How can I notify guests of how to operate my toilet without embarrassing them?

GENTLE READER: You know what would really embarrass guests?

Being unable to flush the toilet successfully.

Miss Manners considers it to be a basic duty of a host to warn guests of any such traps. If you cannot say the word "toilet" without blushing, leave a small sign in the bathroom.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a mature gentleman who has been keeping company for about two years with a lovely lady somewhat my junior. We seem well-suited and share many interests and activities. We enjoy lively conversation, music, dancing, the theater and are intellectually and financially well-matched. We have met each other's families and those meetings have gone well.

Now the issue: Among other thoughtful and loving gifts, she gave me not one, but four of Miss Manners' published works. I have, of course, read them thoroughly and gleaned some of the finer points of etiquette.

Is there a hidden meaning in this gift? Should I infer that she finds my manners lacking? Could it be that my setting only one fork, one spoon and one knife for our informal family dinners is horribly offensive to her? Could it be something more egregious? Please help!

GENTLE READER: Certainly. The hidden meaning is that you are a gentleman and that you have a sense of humor.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After being away from our hometown for five years due to work, my husband and I are back, living just 30 minutes away from our daughter and her three little children. We are happy and excited to be back nearby.

We offered to watch the grandkids on Sunday, taking them on a picnic at a park near our home for the afternoon so that Mom could have a break. She agreed.

It turns out, she had erroneously thought we would be driving over to pick the kids up and bringing them home again after babysitting. We do not have car seats. We had assumed she would bring the kids to us, go have some time to herself, then come back and pick them up.

She got irritated and angry and basically got off the phone in a huff, saying, "Oh, I have to do all the driving!"

Having been away from them for about five years, we kind of expected she wouldn't mind the drive over and back to have free babysitting. Again, it is only about 30 minutes away. Our daughter frequently drives to much farther-away spots in our state, which is why we are perplexed about her angry attitude.

Are we wrong? Or is she?

GENTLE READER: There is no general rule when it comes to looking after one's grandchildren. (Notice that Miss Manners pointedly does not say "babysitting.")

You can make whatever stipulations you want as long as all parties agree to it in advance. That is where the breakdown here occurred: Each party assumed that it would be at their own convenience. This does not justify your daughter's anger, however; it just highlights the need to get ahead of it next time. Or to find out what else is bothering her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My parents and I hosted a small engagement party for my nephew. We hired a chef and held the event at my home. When it was time for dinner, we encouraged everyone to please sit down so we could enjoy the food while it was hot.

My sister was the last to come to the table. We were about to get started when she decided it was time to make a toast. We asked her not to. My dad, my brother-in-law, my husband and I all asked her to wait. She scolded us and proceeded with her toast anyway.

A few days later, I told her I felt she was rude about handling the toast. She was very upset by my statement, proclaiming that there's no proper time to give a toast, especially at an informal dinner party.

GENTLE READER: Toasts should properly be given during the cocktail hour before dinner or after the main meal and before dessert -- presuming dessert is not a collapsible souffle. But Miss Manners is afraid that this information does not entitle you to scold your sister. Only to have the satisfaction of being correct.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)