DEAR MISS MANNERS: A relative and I are organizing a get-together of family members we don't see much now that our grandparents and parents have died. We plan to invite 15 relatives and their spouses, kids and grandkids, with multiple activities planned over two or three days. Most will have to travel for the occasion.

There are two people we don't want to join us, but whom we must invite because leaving them off the invitation list would require explaining the reasons. (Those reasons include the theft of tens of thousands of dollars, the theft of family heirlooms and making sexualized remarks to a preteen.)

How can we include them in the invitation list but somehow keep them from coming? We could send invitations electronically, with names of all the relatives in blind copies, but eventually the omission would be noticed.

I have thought of hinting at legal action to one of these relatives, but have no such threat to make to the other.

GENTLE READER: Issuing invitations and pressing charges in the same mail reminds Miss Manners of the ancient practice of inviting your rival to dinner so you could assassinate him.

It made for a good story (for those who survived), but it was never good manners.

If these relatives committed such egregious acts, then they should not be invited. If you do not want to explain why they were excluded, say, "We have had some serious differences that I do not wish to discuss." And then pass the cookies.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a nonsmoking apartment building. The policy states that residents in violation are liable for a $250 fee for each occurrence. Part of why I moved here is because I'm a nonsmoker.

The problem is the person in the apartment below me, who smokes marijuana. Generally I'm a live-and-let-live person, but their smoke wafts into my place through the vents.

I knocked on their door, explained the situation and requested that they take it outside. They said they would. They haven't.

I hate to act like a "Karen" by reporting them to management and causing them to potentially pay $250, but I also don't want to live with this smoke. What is the most decent and reasonable way to handle this?

GENTLE READER: Being a good neighbor means not breaking the rules, and also dealing reasonably with those who do. Whether one does this because it is bad policy to antagonize people who know where you live, or from the more recent fear of public shaming if there turn out to be extenuating circumstances, the caution is the same.

Miss Manners suggests allowing one more incident to go unreported, and then discussing with the offender whether there is a way that you two can solve the problem together -- without the need to involve anyone else. If, ultimately, you do have to appeal to management, include, along with your insistence that the behavior stop, an expression of sympathy for the offender.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I volunteered to help set up an event for a local youth group. As the volunteers were leaving, the leader of the event asked the adults to introduce themselves. We were all meeting the youth for the first time, except for one adult, who is active in the group and known to the kids and teens.

She introduced herself as Debbie, although they already knew her. I had intended to introduce myself as Mrs. Smith, but everyone else followed Debbie's lead and introduced themselves by first name only. When it got to me, I wasn't comfortable saying Mary, as I didn't want the kids to call me by my first name, so I said Mary Smith.

It stood out because I was the only one who used a last name, but at the age of 70, I'm used to kids calling me Mrs. Smith. How should I have handled this?

GENTLE READER: It was Miss Manners' own dear mother who set a precedent for you, many years ago.

She taught at a school where the teachers were, and still are, called by their first names. Although the presumption now is that this was done out of some leftist sense of equality, that was not the reason. Nobody thought that elementary school pupils were equal to the older and more educated faculty, although the mission was to help them become so eventually.

Rather, the informal nomenclature was a result of the school's having been founded by a tiny group of families whose children were on close terms. The equality it did espouse was that, from its founding in the 1940s, it was thoroughly integrated, with no racial or religious quotas, at a time when all other schools in the city, public and private, were segregated.

Miss Manners approves your requesting to be addressed as "Mrs. Smith." Her mother would, too, as that is exactly what she did. It was respected.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Three years ago, my husband and I purchased our dream home. It is an hour away from our old home, which is located at the beach. I use the beach house as an office a few times a week.

We have offered up the beach house for close family and friends to use. I recently became close to one of my cousins, who is as delighted to use the house as we are to offer it.

The problem is that her brother and sister now feel they are also entitled to use it. I am not particularly close to these cousins, and they are known in the family as "takers." One of the out-of-state "takers" has a habit of dropping off her kids with different relatives for a week, and then leaving them for the whole summer. Everyone in the family knows to stay clear of them.

The "takers" have been contacting me to use the beach house. I explained that it's a place of business and that there are affordable hotels nearby. They wouldn't take no for an answer. How do I keep them at bay but still let my other dear cousin use it?

GENTLE READER: 1. Say no as often as necessary. 2. Lock the door.

Perhaps you can enlist the favored cousin to tell them to back off. If not, you will have to say clearly -- and perhaps often -- that the house is simply not available, and will not be in the foreseeable future.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Does wearing the flag as clothes show that you love America, or that you hate America?

I was raised to believe that it was disrespectful, if not traitorous, to wear the American flag on your butt or anywhere else, except as part of an authorized uniform, or maybe a discreet pin like the ones that seem required for politicians.

And now I see people who identify as patriots using flag material for all kinds of things, including boxers, bikinis and everything else. Are they sending a double message?

GENTLE READER: On the contrary: They have received a double message.

The U.S. Flag Code -- written and published by advocacy groups in 1923, adopted by Congress in 1942 and revised numerous times subsequently -- states that "the flag should never be used as wearing apparel, bedding, or drapery." The American Legion interprets that as referring to an actual flag, not a fabric pattern that looks like a flag.

Miss Manners' advice is to keep clear of any "More Patriotic Than Thou" contests.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our youth pastor took all the graduating seniors and their families to lunch. My daughter thinks she should write the thank-you note because she was the one directly invited, while we were the "plus-ones"; I think I should write it because I'm usually the one to buy lunch for my family, and so I received the most benefit. What do you say?

GENTLE READER: You want to stop your polite daughter from expressing gratitude, with the argument that saving you money is more important than being hospitable? Are you mad?

Miss Manners begs you to stop trying to teach etiquette to your daughter, who knows more about it than you do.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate to send out a wedding invitation with explicit directions on how guests should dress? The bride wants to stipulate on the invitation "no T-shirts, no shorts," etc. She says too many people show up at weddings improperly dressed.

I find this rude. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: Which? Dressing in leisure clothes for an important occasion, or issuing specific dress instructions to guests?

Never mind; both are rude. Which creates a problem.

Hosts may set the general standard of dress, such as "black tie" -- or puzzling codes they think up, such as "elegant casual," whatever that means. But they are supposed to respect their guests' judgment and not scold them in advance.

Yes, Miss Manners knows your friends have no such judgment. She suggests a one-word instruction: "formal." This will mystify the guests, but perhaps make them realize that their beach outfits do not qualify.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If three office workers give a dozen cookies to a school counselor for School Counselor Week, should she offer a cookie to each of them?

GENTLE READER: Although there is no prohibition against sharing food that was given as a present, neither is there a requirement to do so. Miss Manners assumes that the generous bakers got to lick the batter.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)