DEAR MISS MANNERS: Does wearing the flag as clothes show that you love America, or that you hate America?

I was raised to believe that it was disrespectful, if not traitorous, to wear the American flag on your butt or anywhere else, except as part of an authorized uniform, or maybe a discreet pin like the ones that seem required for politicians.

And now I see people who identify as patriots using flag material for all kinds of things, including boxers, bikinis and everything else. Are they sending a double message?

GENTLE READER: On the contrary: They have received a double message.

The U.S. Flag Code -- written and published by advocacy groups in 1923, adopted by Congress in 1942 and revised numerous times subsequently -- states that "the flag should never be used as wearing apparel, bedding, or drapery." The American Legion interprets that as referring to an actual flag, not a fabric pattern that looks like a flag.

Miss Manners' advice is to keep clear of any "More Patriotic Than Thou" contests.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our youth pastor took all the graduating seniors and their families to lunch. My daughter thinks she should write the thank-you note because she was the one directly invited, while we were the "plus-ones"; I think I should write it because I'm usually the one to buy lunch for my family, and so I received the most benefit. What do you say?

GENTLE READER: You want to stop your polite daughter from expressing gratitude, with the argument that saving you money is more important than being hospitable? Are you mad?

Miss Manners begs you to stop trying to teach etiquette to your daughter, who knows more about it than you do.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate to send out a wedding invitation with explicit directions on how guests should dress? The bride wants to stipulate on the invitation "no T-shirts, no shorts," etc. She says too many people show up at weddings improperly dressed.

I find this rude. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: Which? Dressing in leisure clothes for an important occasion, or issuing specific dress instructions to guests?

Never mind; both are rude. Which creates a problem.

Hosts may set the general standard of dress, such as "black tie" -- or puzzling codes they think up, such as "elegant casual," whatever that means. But they are supposed to respect their guests' judgment and not scold them in advance.

Yes, Miss Manners knows your friends have no such judgment. She suggests a one-word instruction: "formal." This will mystify the guests, but perhaps make them realize that their beach outfits do not qualify.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If three office workers give a dozen cookies to a school counselor for School Counselor Week, should she offer a cookie to each of them?

GENTLE READER: Although there is no prohibition against sharing food that was given as a present, neither is there a requirement to do so. Miss Manners assumes that the generous bakers got to lick the batter.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Sometimes I give suggestions to businesses, such as a gym, a store or my condo management. I am very careful to be respectful and polite, and to wait till the person at the counter is available to speak with me.

I usually receive one of a few answers, but I don't know how to reply.

Sometimes I hear, "No one else has mentioned this," which I find condescending. Or I'm told, "There has never been an incident before" to requests for safety measures, which I find very illogical. I've never had a fire at my home or been in a car accident, yet I use smoke alarms and seat belts.

I believe that when there is a problem, it should be investigated -- such as checking the temperature or the decibels, for example, if I mention that it is extremely cold or extremely loud -- instead of telling me I'm the only one with the complaint. There is never a simple acknowledgment or validation of my concerns.

GENTLE READER: And that is unfortunate. Miss Manners might have some sympathy for an establishment receiving conflicting feedback on subjective criteria, but these replies suggest that your reactions are out of line.

Your response to such remarks should be, "Thank you. I will take it up with management." Whether or not you actually do so is entirely up to your own equally subjective criteria.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Approximately 15 years ago, I gave my niece a ring. It was a ring that my grandfather (her great-grandfather), a migrant farm worker, found. He gave it to my mother, and she gave it to me when I was 15. It is a class ring from my alma mater from the year 1918, and I wore it for many years.

I gave it to my niece on the occasion of her wedding; it was her "something old." My niece has since divorced that husband, and is remarried with a family.

I have never seen the ring again. She doesn't wear it, and I truly regret giving it away. Assuming she still has the ring, is there any way to ask for it back? I do not want to hurt her, but the ring has enormous sentimental value to me.

GENTLE READER: Did your niece divorce the ring along with the ex-husband? Because otherwise, there is no reason to think that these two events were related -- and the ring is still rightfully hers.

Miss Manners suggests instead that you remember it fondly in front of her and her children. Tell them the legacy of their great-great-grandfather, and add, "Perhaps someday, your mother will pass the ring along to you, as I did to her. It is such an important symbol of our family history." And then watch as your niece quickly scrambles to produce it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I have a friend who often hosts gatherings at her home with an eclectic mix of people, including her next-door neighbors. They are nice people, but my wife and I have only ever had lukewarm, perfunctorily polite exchanges with them. It's just an "oil and water" personality dynamic -- cordial at best. The feelings appear mutual.

They have a young son the same age as ours, and the boys have hit it off at these gatherings more than us parents have. Our son was invited to spend the night and attend an amusement park the next day with this boy and his parents. He was excited, and our mutual friend enthusiastically facilitated these plans, so we agreed. Our son spent the night, and we sent money to cover park admission and any meals the following day.

When it came time for me to pick up our son the next evening, it was explained that the park plans fell through and the boys instead had fun at a local shopping center and spent the rest of the time playing at home. Funds used were minimal (one fast-food meal and a modest toy purchase).

When I politely asked the father about the leftover money, he was visibly taken aback. He explained that his wife had the cash we'd sent (she was out running errands), but that he could write a check. I replied that that was fine.

His demeanor conveyed irritation and inconvenience. In a decidedly less cordial tone from mine, he then itemized the amount of money my son had spent. And of course I said, "No problem at all; please deduct it from the total." It was an icy and awkward exchange, for sure.

Was I wrong to request the balance of the funds be returned? We sent a considerable amount (around $100) with the expectation of a pricey outing that was changed without notifying us. The change in plans was fine, but we didn't feel it was appropriate for them to keep the remaining $60-$70 that was intended for the initial plans. Were the situation reversed, I certainly would have returned the money.

Should I have let it go for the sake of etiquette? Is there a monetary threshold or friendship level where this would be acceptable?

I am not a cheapskate and am always generous with established friends and their families. I just don't see giving a pass when these mere acquaintances changed the plans for a cheaper alternative and looked to pocket our son's "fun money."

GENTLE READER: Had you been better friends, you might have said that you would get the money later when the wife returned. But this transaction was clearly not top of mind for them.

Miss Manners assures you that your behavior was reasonable. Presumably you will be able to avoid such awkwardness as your son gets older and can be trusted to keep track of the money himself. If not, at least you will have an easier time tracking him down.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)