DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband often compliments ladies -- young or old, married or single -- by saying how beautiful their hair is, or how nice their dress is, or that he likes the color.

Some get offended, and some even believe he's hitting on them, when he's merely paying compliments. What is the appropriate way to compliment today?

GENTLE READER: Who doesn't like to hear something nice?

That is what you and your husband are kindly thinking, Miss Manners knows. But she is afraid that the situation is more complicated.

It is more a matter of context than of age or marital status. It is one thing to say "Wow, you look fantastic!" to your spouse, and quite another to say it to your summer intern.

Having one's appearance appraised, even favorably, can be scary from a stranger and demeaning in a business situation. What would your husband think if a female colleague said, "I just love your hair"? Or even, "Snazzy shirt! Is it new?"

Socially, compliments are lovely, provided they are not more personal than the relationship warrants. Compliments about the body -- eyes, hair, whatever -- are flirtatious, and best saved for those with whom there is a loving bond. Clothes are only marginally safer. But the best compliments refer to words or actions: "I love your wit" or "That was a great job you did."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter asked her best friend of 17 years to be her maid of honor, and she accepted. Shortly after that, there was a rumor that this friend would soon be moving out of state with her sister, 13 hours away.

While my daughter is not upset about the move, she is upset with how her friend handled it. The friend told several other people she would be moving, but neglected to tell her "best friend" until a month before the move. Not only that, but she gave her the news via text message after they had just spent a week together on vacation.

My daughter is hurt that she was only worth a text, and told her she needed a break from the friendship. Now they hardly communicate, and the friend never asks my daughter about wedding plans -- but yet is still planning the bachelorette trip.

My daughter isn't even sure she wants her to stand next to her on the big day, but so far but hasn't had a talk with said maid of honor.

What are your thoughts? Does she still deserve to hold that title? Also, this friend's sister and nephew are in the wedding as well, so this could cause my daughter to lose three people.

GENTLE READER: Not to mention a 17-year friendship?

Considering how upset your daughter is, to the extent of considering throwing away that long friendship, Miss Manners suspects that the maid of honor might know her friend well enough to have been afraid of telling her about the move.

And surely, if she is planning a trip in connection with this wedding, that is demonstration enough of her interest and commitment. It is no small chore to plan such a trip while in the middle of a move.

Miss Manners urges you to help your daughter calm down and put this into perspective. It is no time to throw over an old friendship -- or, as might strike her as more serious at the moment, a significant portion of her bridal party.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I went out with three friends for what was billed as a chance to enjoy oysters together. When we got to the restaurant, it turned out one of our party didn't like oysters and decided to get a salad instead. One of our party told the server that we would just be getting the oysters and the salad. I hadn't really decided whether I just wanted oysters or an oyster appetizer and something additional, but I really didn't care, so that was fine.

When the oysters arrived on two large platters, the server told the salad eater that her salad would be right up. I asked if the others liked lemon, and when they said they did, I squeezed lemon over the oysters near me. I then picked up an oyster, dipped it in sauce and ate it.

After finishing, I became uncomfortably aware that no one else was eating. I asked why, and was told they were waiting for the other person's salad to arrive. I was profoundly embarrassed and apologized to the salad eater.

I almost always wait for everyone to be served before starting to eat. But in this situation, I thought of the oysters as an appetizer, which I will start eating when it arrives.

If the purpose of good manners is to make people comfortable at the table, this behavior made me feel very uncomfortable.

GENTLE READER: But you asked. And got several indications -- from your friends when they ordered and from the server when she announced it -- that the salad was meant to be eaten at the same time as the oysters. Waiting until everyone has something to eat was the polite thing to do.

Had your friends rudely corrected you without solicitation, Miss Manners would be taking your side. But what would you have them say when you asked them directly?

She further warns you about weaponizing etiquette or thinking of it as a means to provide comfort -- namely yours. One can politely make someone feel uncomfortable, if it is because they were ignoring the needs of others in order to put their own first. That is what your friends did -- and as long as they did not lecture or scold you, they were correct.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We were at a free concert last night. Almost every seat was taken. Starting 30 minutes before the performance and lasting until the end, it appeared that someone was saving two seats in the orchestra section. There was a large purse in one and a coat in the other.

People were searching for empty seats, but moved on after seeing these two seats were full of belongings. After the concert, I saw the owners collect their purse and coat, and I asked them why they put their things there. They said if anyone had wanted to sit there, they could have.

Isn't this selfish? What should I have said?

GENTLE READER: "Are these seats taken?" Ideally, you would ask this before you spent the entire concert seething because you already knew the answer.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a single lady in my late 60s, but appear to be 20 to 25 years younger. I am in good health and enjoy youthful activities like badminton, Frisbee, swimming, canoeing and camping. My outlook and constitution have always been those of a younger lady.

I have met a law enforcement officer who is about 25 years younger than I. This gentleman is thoughtful, kind, sweet, handsome, very mature in a quiet way, and very ethical in his work. We met while participating in community projects together. He asked if I would consider a long-term relationship, stating that he had no issues with my older age.

As we talked, the gentleman stated he was looking for a lady who shared his outlook, ideation and values. He said that he was already taken with me, and asked whether I would be his lady and accept his ring.

I must confess to wishing I were younger, because I would be smitten with the sweet gentleman. Is it appropriate to be with a gentleman 25 years younger, if you find he is in your heart already and feels so close already in spirit?

GENTLE READER: What if Miss Manners said no?

Yes, this is a test. There is no etiquette rule that mandates the respective ages of an adult couple who want to marry. Society -- and relatives expecting a sizable inheritance -- may be otherwise biased, but they do not know what is in your and your gentleman's hearts.

If he truly is a gentleman and you are truly in love, then you have Miss Manners' best wishes. She suggests you ignore anyone who does not agree.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend from 20 years ago, when I lived in her area. We worked together and would have lunch occasionally.

I moved out of state, but my son still lived there for a while. When I would go back to visit, I would have dinner with her. She came to visit me once, but the extended time with her was very unpleasant.

I'm embarrassed to say I completely cut off communications without explanation. She continues to send birthday and holiday greetings, to which I haven't responded. I'm ashamed of my behavior, and yet would prefer to discontinue the relationship.

What do you think of my writing this note to her: "I'm sorry for 'ghosting' you all this time. Your visit made it clear that while working together and sharing occasional meals was enjoyable, extended visits are less so. I appreciate your attempts to stay in touch. Our son has moved away from your area, so I have no expectations of returning to your part of the country. Please be well."

GENTLE READER: Please do not send this.

While disappearing is not ideal, telling this woman that it is only because she is so unpleasant to be around is not going to make the situation better.

As your son has moved, you already have an excuse not to visit her town -- and you need not invite her to yours. Surely you can endure her holiday and birthday cards, and perhaps even periodically respond with some of your own -- if not for the sake of the current relationship, Miss Manners suggests, then out of fondness for the old one.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)