DEAR MISS MANNERS: I went out with three friends for what was billed as a chance to enjoy oysters together. When we got to the restaurant, it turned out one of our party didn't like oysters and decided to get a salad instead. One of our party told the server that we would just be getting the oysters and the salad. I hadn't really decided whether I just wanted oysters or an oyster appetizer and something additional, but I really didn't care, so that was fine.

When the oysters arrived on two large platters, the server told the salad eater that her salad would be right up. I asked if the others liked lemon, and when they said they did, I squeezed lemon over the oysters near me. I then picked up an oyster, dipped it in sauce and ate it.

After finishing, I became uncomfortably aware that no one else was eating. I asked why, and was told they were waiting for the other person's salad to arrive. I was profoundly embarrassed and apologized to the salad eater.

I almost always wait for everyone to be served before starting to eat. But in this situation, I thought of the oysters as an appetizer, which I will start eating when it arrives.

If the purpose of good manners is to make people comfortable at the table, this behavior made me feel very uncomfortable.

GENTLE READER: But you asked. And got several indications -- from your friends when they ordered and from the server when she announced it -- that the salad was meant to be eaten at the same time as the oysters. Waiting until everyone has something to eat was the polite thing to do.

Had your friends rudely corrected you without solicitation, Miss Manners would be taking your side. But what would you have them say when you asked them directly?

She further warns you about weaponizing etiquette or thinking of it as a means to provide comfort -- namely yours. One can politely make someone feel uncomfortable, if it is because they were ignoring the needs of others in order to put their own first. That is what your friends did -- and as long as they did not lecture or scold you, they were correct.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We were at a free concert last night. Almost every seat was taken. Starting 30 minutes before the performance and lasting until the end, it appeared that someone was saving two seats in the orchestra section. There was a large purse in one and a coat in the other.

People were searching for empty seats, but moved on after seeing these two seats were full of belongings. After the concert, I saw the owners collect their purse and coat, and I asked them why they put their things there. They said if anyone had wanted to sit there, they could have.

Isn't this selfish? What should I have said?

GENTLE READER: "Are these seats taken?" Ideally, you would ask this before you spent the entire concert seething because you already knew the answer.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a single lady in my late 60s, but appear to be 20 to 25 years younger. I am in good health and enjoy youthful activities like badminton, Frisbee, swimming, canoeing and camping. My outlook and constitution have always been those of a younger lady.

I have met a law enforcement officer who is about 25 years younger than I. This gentleman is thoughtful, kind, sweet, handsome, very mature in a quiet way, and very ethical in his work. We met while participating in community projects together. He asked if I would consider a long-term relationship, stating that he had no issues with my older age.

As we talked, the gentleman stated he was looking for a lady who shared his outlook, ideation and values. He said that he was already taken with me, and asked whether I would be his lady and accept his ring.

I must confess to wishing I were younger, because I would be smitten with the sweet gentleman. Is it appropriate to be with a gentleman 25 years younger, if you find he is in your heart already and feels so close already in spirit?

GENTLE READER: What if Miss Manners said no?

Yes, this is a test. There is no etiquette rule that mandates the respective ages of an adult couple who want to marry. Society -- and relatives expecting a sizable inheritance -- may be otherwise biased, but they do not know what is in your and your gentleman's hearts.

If he truly is a gentleman and you are truly in love, then you have Miss Manners' best wishes. She suggests you ignore anyone who does not agree.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend from 20 years ago, when I lived in her area. We worked together and would have lunch occasionally.

I moved out of state, but my son still lived there for a while. When I would go back to visit, I would have dinner with her. She came to visit me once, but the extended time with her was very unpleasant.

I'm embarrassed to say I completely cut off communications without explanation. She continues to send birthday and holiday greetings, to which I haven't responded. I'm ashamed of my behavior, and yet would prefer to discontinue the relationship.

What do you think of my writing this note to her: "I'm sorry for 'ghosting' you all this time. Your visit made it clear that while working together and sharing occasional meals was enjoyable, extended visits are less so. I appreciate your attempts to stay in touch. Our son has moved away from your area, so I have no expectations of returning to your part of the country. Please be well."

GENTLE READER: Please do not send this.

While disappearing is not ideal, telling this woman that it is only because she is so unpleasant to be around is not going to make the situation better.

As your son has moved, you already have an excuse not to visit her town -- and you need not invite her to yours. Surely you can endure her holiday and birthday cards, and perhaps even periodically respond with some of your own -- if not for the sake of the current relationship, Miss Manners suggests, then out of fondness for the old one.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother passed away and I found out about it from a nephew (not my brother's son) who posted it on social media. I find it absolutely disrespectful that my sister-in-law would not personally call me or any of my siblings (there are four of us) to notify us of his death.

It's not a matter of conflict with anybody. My sister-in-law just left it up to her children to notify others, and this nephew just posted it. Of course, not everyone is on social media.

What is your opinion on the proper etiquette on death notifications to relatives, especially immediate family members?

GENTLE READER: Someone should have called, Miss Manners agrees. The question is: Who?

The widow's not being up to the task may be understandable. One can understand distraught children falling short. But eventually, someone in the family has to take responsibility.

After the nephew bungled it and you learned the news, the kindest course of action would have been to call your sister-in-law and offer to make any remaining calls yourself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law has always given me an extremely frosty reception. She never says anything rude, but she will avoid saying hello when we visit -- only doing so an hour after we arrive. She also drinks beverages in front of us without offering, and generally avoids speaking to me for the entire visit.

Anything I say to try and get a conversation going is often met with an odd stare or her not understanding what I mean, despite it being very clear. If we're at the dinner table, she will either remain silent or talk to someone else. After years of this happening -- despite my best attempts to make small talk, compliment her cooking, ask her about her interests, etc. -- I find myself very uncomfortable in her home.

We only visit three to four times a year, when invited, mainly for the purpose of getting our kids together with their cousins. My husband feels that because she doesn't actually say anything rude, this shouldn't be an issue. Am I overreacting here?

GENTLE READER: Your discomfort is justified and understandable, and your husband's comment is, well, understandable: It absolves him, the obvious go-between for you and his sister, of any further responsibility.

As Miss Manners' Gentle Readers are well aware, it is possible to be cold and hostile without, technically, being rude. But your sister-in-law has not been so fastidious: Her behavior is genuinely rude.

What to do about it? Having put up with it for years -- and limiting your exposure to three or four times a year -- may make it endurable, or at least better than the alternative. If not, it is time for your husband to step up and speak with his sister; if he does not, then perhaps the three to four visits should be reduced to one or two.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)