DEAR MISS MANNERS: We invited another couple to join us at a popular annual concert for which we had been given tickets. The invitation did not include dinner because of other commitments we had already made.

They wanted to go to their favorite restaurant before the performance, and offered to meet us at the concert. However, we had been looking forward to enjoying their company while driving to and from the event. After a couple of phone calls, they finally agreed to accept our original invitation, but demonstrated their disappointment with long faces and strained conversation. They did acknowledge that they enjoyed the performance.

This is the first time we've ever had the terms and conditions of an invitation negotiated, and we're still struggling to find a meaningful response. What should we have said or done? Would it have been bad manners to rescind the invitation and tell them that we looked forward to enjoying their company on another occasion that we would all find convenient and satisfying?

It will be incredibly hard not to be snarky, but we will refrain. We promise.

GENTLE READER: It will come as no surprise to her Gentle Readers that Miss Manners is in favor of clear invitations and against guests' negotiating the terms thereof.

The host is required to provide a time and place, as well as any pertinent details (e.g., the inclusion of the guest's ex-husband). The guest is usually barred from adding more mouths to feed.

But understanding on both sides is sometimes necessary, particularly when the terms of the invitation are unusual -- as this one was. Evening events generally involve dinner and do not specify transportation.

The proper sequence should therefore have been as follows.

Guest: "That sounds wonderful. I'm so sorry you're not available for dinner -- we'd love to catch up. Should we just meet at the concert?"

Host: "It is too bad about dinner; Zach has a company obligation that we couldn't get out of. But we were hoping you would join us for the drive so that we would have more time together."

Guest, option 1: "Terrific! We'd love to."

Guest, option 2: "Unfortunately, that's going to make the timing tight for us. Would you mind if we just met you at the concert and we can do dinner another time?"

Host: "That would be lovely."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When we go to our local Chinese restaurant, my brother-in-law speaks loudly in a mock Asian accent and says stereotypical things, which he doesn't seem to realize are offensive. My mother-in-law laughs loudly in response. The rest of the family ignores it, but this hasn't made it stop.

Please advise a more mannerly response than talking loudly in a mock rural white accent to try to teach him a lesson, as I am tempted to do.

GENTLE READER: Tell your family that, in the future, you will not be accompanying them to such dinners. This may seem extreme, and Miss Manners supposes it will label you as oversensitive and a complainer, but it will avoid your being party to such outrageously bigoted behavior.

She also hopes that you apologized to the restaurant staff on all previous occasions.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: An acquaintance at my gym stopped me and said, "Oh, I DO wish you hadn't had your hair cut!"

Not having heard her well, I said, "I'm sorry?" She repeated it. "Excuse me?" I then said, to indicate offense. Thinking I still hadn't heard her, she repeated it once more. "I'm not quite sure how to respond to that," I replied.

She then waxed poetic about how beautiful my hair had been and how she loved seeing it swing as I walked on the treadmill. This was slightly strange, as my hair has been short for 15 years and I had only had it trimmed.

Eager to be free from the conversation, I replied, "I'm sorry to disappoint!" and then fled. A week later, she found me doing exercises on a mat with my eyes closed, and blurted out, "I did not mean to critique your haircut. I simply wanted to tell you I loved your hair. You have beautiful hair! I am envious!"

"Thank you," I said, with a solemnity meant to discourage her from initiating further conversation.

Now I'm feeling a bit guilty for having taken offense, as I think she was simply clumsy, not intentionally offensive. What do you feel would have been the proper response?

GENTLE READER: Guilt seems to Miss Manners an extreme reaction when the other person was rude -- even if unintentionally -- and you were not. But if you wished to soften your already-proper response, you could, in the second encounter, have explained that you did not mean to suggest that you were offended -- merely surprised.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I regularly send gifts to my sister and her children. Each time I send a gift, I sign a card that accompanies it.

My husband and teenage son do not remember special occasions, nor do they select gifts, send them or sign the cards. When I've asked for their assistance, they've shown no interest in doing so.

I have not told my sister about the gift-giving process in our household, nor do I intend to. The issue is that she always sends a thank-you note to me, my husband and teenage son for the gifts.

Who is the proper recipient of a thank-you note when only one person in the family signs the card? I would like to know for my own personal information, and not to argue with my sister.

GENTLE READER: Indeed, there seems no reason to argue with your sister when there are more convenient targets under your own roof.

But Miss Manners assumes that your husband and teenage son make other contributions to family life, so that the chores even out in the end. On this basis, etiquette sides with your sister in assuming that the family as a whole deserves thanks for benefits presumably bestowed by the group -- without inquiring minutely into who chose the gift, who put it in the mail or who washed the dishes that evening.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister is a deeply unhappy person, always on the lookout for some reason to be offended. Everyone in the family has always tiptoed around her and tried to read her mind, lest we failed to fulfill her unspoken expectations. We all struggled to be absolutely perfect in order to keep the peace and avoid her wrath.

Of course, it did not work. Somebody seeking reasons to be angry and bitter will always find them. One by one, she chose estrangement from all of us, though her hatred always burned hottest toward me and our mother.

Mom really struggled with the hurt and embarrassment of the situation. She was always a very private person and did not want to be the subject of gossip, so the situation was never discussed outside the circle of people who had been rejected by my sister. Only I knew what Mom was really going through.

Mom passed away recently, and my sister was delighted. She made phone calls to express her great joy that the old "B-word" was finally gone to hell, and to mock anyone "stupid enough" to mourn her passing. She also told insulting stories I am certain were untrue, simply to hurt the listener and tarnish Mom's image. She was brutal.

I heard all this from a couple of Mom's friends, people who loved her and helped her as her health declined. They had had no idea about the turmoil within the family, and were utterly shocked and greatly distressed. Aside from these friends, I have no idea how many more calls my sister placed.

Unsure what to do, I got out my mother's address book and began writing letters to each person listed about whom Mom had spoken to me. I told them every kind thing she had ever told me about them, every expression of gratitude I could remember, all the nice stories she told me. I did not mention my sister or ask if any of these people had heard from her.

I wanted to respect my mother's desire for privacy regarding this break in the family. I just told them who they were in my mother's eyes, in hopes that it might help heal any hurt caused by my sister's choice to lash out and "set the record straight" about my mother's true feelings and character.

However, I have hesitated to send those letters. Is it appropriate for the bereaved party to send such letters of condolence to friends and neighbors of the deceased?

GENTLE READER: That you propose making amends without criticizing your sister is admirable. And such letters from the bereaved are properly written, though normally in response to letters of condolence. Doing so is an excellent solution to these circumstances; people who express sympathy are gratified to be told how much they were valued by the deceased.

Miss Manners would certainly not have you follow your sister in disparaging a relative. But if anyone brings up her conduct, you can say, "I'm afraid she is troubled," and refuse to discuss it further.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)