DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had a mastectomy and subsequent breast reconstruction. The reconstruction had to be redone, for both medical and aesthetic reasons.

I have been open about my breast cancer. Before the second reconstruction, two close friends independently asked me why I didn't just "go flat." Neither of them has experienced breast cancer.

I don't think they were trying to be hurtful, but that is the effect -- as if there is something wrong with getting reconstruction. Perhaps they view it as excessive vanity.

Theirs was a question that I never would have asked of a woman, even before I had my mastectomy. I felt I had to respond, and said something about not wanting to feel lopsided. These women are both good friends and I treasure their friendship.

I generally shy away from confrontations. But I really wished that I had come back with a polite but clear response that 1. The question was inappropriate, and 2. Women who decide to get themselves back together as best they can should be supported in their decision. What do you suggest would have been an appropriate response?

GENTLE READER: "Can we talk about something other than my bosom?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's daughter just told her children that I am not their grandma, even though I have been with my husband since before they were born. They were calling me Grandma Toby and then, just last year, his daughter told her kids not to call me that anymore.

My feelings are hurt, and I wonder how I can move on from this. My husband already mentioned to her that my feelings are hurt, but she does not care. I have been married to her father for 12 years now, and she still treats me like a piece of furniture.

GENTLE READER: As it has been 12 years and things are only getting worse, Miss Manners suggests you try a different approach. You are not likely to win over the daughter, but you might do better with the children -- provided you do not make it a loyalty test, or even let them see that you have a conflict with their mother.

"Let's have a contest," you can declare, out of her hearing. "What should you call me? Nonna? Oma? Grammy? Or just Toby? You decide."

And then declare a winner, and however many runners-up there are children. That way, if their mother vetoes one name, they can try another.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If one owns knife rests and wishes to use them, where should they be placed?

I like the idea of having a place to put my used knife that is not on top of the tablecloth, with the tip on the edge of the plate or on the butter dish. I think a knife rest would be great fun.

GENTLE READER: Well, table settings may not be everyone's idea of rollicking fun, but you have come to the right place.

However, Miss Manners does not believe in embarrassing guests who might not be familiar with one's little flea market finds. Knife rests at individual settings should be placed horizontally above the tip of the knife, to give the diner a hint as to what on Earth that thing is.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I spent a few weeks at my parents' house and while I adore them, I don't think I can stay with them for future visits. The guest bed is over 20 years old and kills my back, the towels are so musty you feel dirty if you use them after a shower, and they had a cockroach infestation in the kitchen!

I bought a new towel, and my mom saw it and was deeply offended. I snuck a foam topper onto the bed after attempting to just deal with the mattress for a few nights, but I was still in serious pain. We managed to prepare food and eat without anything sitting out for bugs to get into, but I was incredibly stressed out every time I was in the kitchen.

I would like to stay at a hotel next time because I think being well-rested and not stressed out about hygiene will help the visit be more enjoyable. But my mom is a proud woman, and I am afraid it will lead to a rift in our relationship. How would you navigate this situation?

GENTLE READER: Do you really consider this merely an accommodation problem?

Miss Manners is sorry that you feel stressed, but what about your adored parents, who seem to be living in unsanitary conditions? Would you be content to let that go on if you were able to enjoy the comforts of a hotel?

However, you are right that you have an etiquette problem -- a major one: Your mother takes help as an insult.

You can try disguising cleaning up as a present, whether you hire someone or do it yourself, and override protests by declaring your desire to do things for your parents.

Yes, Miss Manners knows that will not go over well. But an immediate cleanup is only the beginning. Perhaps there are other relatives who can help, and you could investigate available social services. Presuming that they did not live like this when you were growing up, you have a much more serious problem than your comfort.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The great debate over how to properly address women continues, especially in the South. But rather than ask Miss Manners to plant her feet firmly on either side of that fence, my question is:

If a woman has clearly stated that she does not like being addressed as "ma'am," "Ms. First Name" or "young lady," is it OK for the other person to continue addressing her those ways, simply because it's "regional" or "how they were raised"?

GENTLE READER: Exactly what would be accomplished by addressing a lady in a manner that she has specifically stated she dislikes?

It is true that Miss Manners loses patience with the raw feelings that prompt people to take offense when well-meaning people address them. There are so many forms in use that it is easy to arouse the ire of someone who, for example, objects to such a respectful title as "ma'am."

Still, deliberately annoying someone who has warned you only makes the situation worse.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Scheduled time off at my workplace is posted to a calendar that all employees can see. To my understanding, this is so that co-workers can know that you will not be available at those times.

However, two people in my office seem to scrutinize that calendar too closely for my comfort. One took it upon himself to call me by the moniker "Part-timer" because I had been gone for three hours the previous day. Another said, "Oh, Jenny, you're getting off in two hours; aren't you excited?"

I feel my time off is my own personal business. I don't like my every move stalked and commented on. Am I being too sensitive when I find these comments intrusive?

GENTLE READER: "My understanding was that those are the hours that we are unavailable, not that they are necessarily for leisure. Why? Is that how you use yours?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For several years, I have been the recipient of a friend's annoying habit of "punctuating" what is being said by touching me. While walking, and sometimes while sitting, this person will frequently poke my shoulder or give a little shove with the back of the hand. I am already listening intently, so it is not to ensure my attention.

I am not averse to touch and thoroughly enjoy warm hugs, but this physical contact is distracting and bothers me. My friend is a wonderful person, albeit with a bad habit. What to do?

GENTLE READER: Start screaming. Develop your own bad habit of yelping in alarm every time your friend pokes or pushes you, pleading that you were startled and taken off-guard.

Then when they inevitably tell you that you are overreacting, Miss Manners suggests you say, "Well, I was reacting normally to what you were saying, but that wasn't sufficient."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite way to ask my guests to PLEASE SIT STILL? (Oops, sorry -- didn't mean to yell.)

Most of my furniture is nearly antique (as am I), and it is showing its age. After 80 years of service, it is not as sturdy as it once was. People squirm and shift, cross one leg and then the other, lean this way and that, all while the chair creaks and squeaks.

In the past few years, I have had three chairs break. Most recently, a guest kept leaning back in a straight-backed chair as though he were trying to make it recline. I anticipated what would happen, but didn't know what to say. Sure enough, soon there was a distinct crack, which both he and his wife ignored.

Can Miss Manners suggest some genteel way to head this off?

GENTLE READER: PUT THE FURNITURE AWAY. Oops. Sorry. Miss Manners does not mean to yell.

And yes, she knows that furniture is meant to be used. But if something is particularly fragile, it is easier to remove it than to police squirmy guests.

Barring that, an occasional "You might be more comfortable on the other couch; I'm afraid that old settee is a bit creaky" could serve as an adequate -- and genteel -- warning.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)