DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a three-syllable first name, and it is what I go by. Some people take it upon themselves to shorten my name to the first syllable, which I do not care for.

It became even more of an issue for me when my ex-spouse left me for another woman with my same name, who goes by the first syllable only. Looking back, I realized my then-spouse had started to refer to me with that version prior to leaving. So now it's pretty triggering when people call me by that name.

I have made this very clear with people who are close to me, yet some still persist in calling me the shortened version. It makes my skin crawl, and feels very insensitive when I have explicitly requested that they not use this name, and explained why it's bothersome.

Do you have a suggestion for how to handle this and still remain in the realm of the mannerly? Because I don't want to say what is really coming up inside when they do it.

GENTLE READER: "Oh no, it's actually Gwendolyn, not Gwen. You must be mistaking me for my ex's new partner. Unfortunately, so did he."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend's brother died suddenly and unexpectedly; he was only 37. This friend is an old co-worker who is very giving, and we have stayed friends even after I moved away. I spoke to her on the phone briefly on the day after his passing, and we cried together.

I said I would send flowers. I never did. I did not even try to contact her until a month later, with a text. I admitted I was a crummy friend and she texted back "TBH, yes" but said she would call me after work that day. I never heard from her.

I would like to make amends and try to salvage this relationship. What do you recommend I do? I have her parents' address and can send food or flowers or whatever.

GENTLE READER: That would be a good start. This time, however, Miss Manners suggests you follow through.

Openly stating that you are a terrible friend does not exempt you from taking the steps to stop being terrible. And saying that you are going to send flowers does not replace actually doing it.

A heartfelt apology to your friend -- and a resolution to be better, without any excuses or labels attached to it -- would be a step toward making amends, especially if she hears from her parents that flowers were actually sent.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When indulging in desserts such as millionaire's shortbread or lemon bars, with a very short crust, it is difficult to cut through the base with the side of a fork.

Is it acceptable to use the points of the tines to push through the crust if I promise not to use a stabbing motion, or must I soldier on with the side of the fork?

GENTLE READER: As long as the poke is indeed subtle and the fork quickly turned to its side afterwards, Miss Manners will allow it. Just be mindful of any wayward and suddenly provoked crust being unduly catapulted across the table.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is former military, and the men in his family are avid hunters. I am comfortable with our son's eventual exposure to real guns, including his being trained in safe gun handling when he is older: It is part of my husband's family's culture.

My husband and I agree, however, that toy guns are inappropriate for young children. We know that kids will play pretend however they want to, and our son will be exposed to toy guns outside of our house, but we'd really like to discourage family from giving him these toys -- if not forever, then at least until he is much older.

Is there a polite way to inform family members that we do not want our 3-year-old son to receive toy guns as gifts? If not, what should our son's thank-you note say -- "Thank you for the plastic Uzi machine gun that I will never see again"?

Or does he thank his relatives for the Billy the Kid replica revolver, then inform them that Mama and Daddy have put it away until he is old enough to play with it, while I hope they get the hint? I don't want to embarrass or alienate my in-laws either way.

GENTLE READER: Family can be informed of your ground rules, but Miss Manners agrees that it is best to have a backup plan. If you do indeed intercept a toy gun given to your son, two things must happen: Someone needs to thank the givers -- even though they stepped out of bounds; and someone needs to tell them that the present did not reach its intended target.

That should be done not by Little Liam, but by you, who can write that you know how much he is going to look forward to playing with it when he is older. This will make your point -- forcefully, as the giver will realize that Liam thinks his birthday was ignored. Please remember that, and be gentle with the givers when they remonstrate. It is good practice for any parent.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At gift-giving occasions, I have often been around people who inform others that the gift they purchased was expensive. For example, as a birthday gift, an adult relative received a hardcover copy of a new book. I heard the giver asking them to please not pass it on to anyone else after reading, because "it was expensive."

And at a Christmas gathering, my husband and I received a lovely bedding set. The giver has asked, more than once, if we are using the set, because apparently "it was very expensive." We do like and use it, although we did not have a specific wish for new bedding -- nor anything else expensive. It was completely this person's idea.

We also felt awkward because our gift to them seemed insufficient after they informed us of their expense.

Beyond a "thank you," what is the appropriate response to being informed that a gift was expensive?

GENTLE READER: Assure the givers, with a beaming face, that such gifts are precious to you not because of the cost, but because it came from them. It will drive them crazy.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After writing two books of my own, which were published by a small press, I collaborated with an artist on a lovely meditative book. We self-published it, so the expenses have all been upfront and out of our own pockets. We agreed to set aside a few copies for each of us to use as special recognition gifts for those who inspired a particular essay or painting.

To stave off requests, I made it known that I plan to add a copy to the library of our family's vacation house so that when family members are there, they can read it if they like. Yet several still say they would love to have their own copy.

I have directed them toward convenient outlets to purchase the book, and tried to ignore their silent disappointment at not being given a copy. One of my family members then asked if she could have a copy of one of my previous books -- with absolutely no intention of paying for it!

I can't give away something I will end up paying for twice -- once for the printing and the second time to make up the price of a sale to my collaborator. The book contains a great deal of art and was expensive to print.

Am I being rude to expect that the cost/value of my and my collaborator's work be respected? After all, if I made wheelbarrows in a factory, would family members each expect a free wheelbarrow?

GENTLE READER: Some family members would expect two wheelbarrows, possibly filled with loot for their weddings, anniversaries, birthdays and any other occasions that came to mind. But that is not the point.

What you have done is sufficient -- to the rest, look apologetic and then think no more about it. Aside from being an author herself, Miss Manners believes that not taking too much advantage of family members' professional abilities is a good general rule.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was surprised to receive a birthday card from a neighbor who lives a block away and whom I barely know. I have never been forthcoming about my birthday, rarely disclosing it even to close friends, never mind acquaintances.

I know that it would be rude to scold this woman for an act of generosity, but I'm not the least bit pleased that she went snooping for my personal information to send me the card.

How do I politely express my thanks but tell her not to do it again, and inquire as to how she got my date of birth to begin with?

GENTLE READER: Calling what your neighbor did snooping is too harsh for something that was likely well-meant, and scolding or interrogating her would therefore be inexcusable.

But if much research needed to be involved, Miss Manners can see why you felt it was a bit cheeky. The proper response to those who take unwelcome liberties is distant politeness: Next time you see her, you can say "thank you" without putting much heart into your delivery.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)