DEAR MISS MANNERS: After writing two books of my own, which were published by a small press, I collaborated with an artist on a lovely meditative book. We self-published it, so the expenses have all been upfront and out of our own pockets. We agreed to set aside a few copies for each of us to use as special recognition gifts for those who inspired a particular essay or painting.

To stave off requests, I made it known that I plan to add a copy to the library of our family's vacation house so that when family members are there, they can read it if they like. Yet several still say they would love to have their own copy.

I have directed them toward convenient outlets to purchase the book, and tried to ignore their silent disappointment at not being given a copy. One of my family members then asked if she could have a copy of one of my previous books -- with absolutely no intention of paying for it!

I can't give away something I will end up paying for twice -- once for the printing and the second time to make up the price of a sale to my collaborator. The book contains a great deal of art and was expensive to print.

Am I being rude to expect that the cost/value of my and my collaborator's work be respected? After all, if I made wheelbarrows in a factory, would family members each expect a free wheelbarrow?

GENTLE READER: Some family members would expect two wheelbarrows, possibly filled with loot for their weddings, anniversaries, birthdays and any other occasions that came to mind. But that is not the point.

What you have done is sufficient -- to the rest, look apologetic and then think no more about it. Aside from being an author herself, Miss Manners believes that not taking too much advantage of family members' professional abilities is a good general rule.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was surprised to receive a birthday card from a neighbor who lives a block away and whom I barely know. I have never been forthcoming about my birthday, rarely disclosing it even to close friends, never mind acquaintances.

I know that it would be rude to scold this woman for an act of generosity, but I'm not the least bit pleased that she went snooping for my personal information to send me the card.

How do I politely express my thanks but tell her not to do it again, and inquire as to how she got my date of birth to begin with?

GENTLE READER: Calling what your neighbor did snooping is too harsh for something that was likely well-meant, and scolding or interrogating her would therefore be inexcusable.

But if much research needed to be involved, Miss Manners can see why you felt it was a bit cheeky. The proper response to those who take unwelcome liberties is distant politeness: Next time you see her, you can say "thank you" without putting much heart into your delivery.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I had a couple over for dinner -- longtime friends of ours. I prepared filet mignon and served one to each person. As always, we enjoyed their company and our shared meal.

The woman of the couple did not completely finish her filet mignon, which I understand. However, after she finished eating, she said "Oh, Fido is going to enjoy this" -- Fido being their dog and "this" being the leftover filet mignon.

I am still irritated, for these reasons: 1. By inviting them to dinner, we implicitly agreed to feed them, not their dog. 2. A statement like, "This steak was very good, but I cannot eat it all; is it OK if I take it home for lunch tomorrow?" would have been acceptable. 3. My wife and I have our own dog, who would have enjoyed the leftover steak.

My wife does not condone my reasons for finding our guest's statement irritating. She believes that once the food is on a guest's plate, it is the guest's to do with as he or she wishes.

Who has dibs on leftover steak? If the leftovers are the guest's, is it appropriate for the guest to state that it will become dog food? Does the concept of a "doggy bag" exist outside of restaurants?

GENTLE READER: Yes, it exists as a euphemism. Apparently, you would feel better knowing that the lady planned to eat it herself, which may well have been the case. That is the understanding at restaurants, where the food has been bought by the customer.

But after the holiday season, where fighting over leftovers seems to have become a major social sport, Miss Manners refuses to continue with issues concerning food left on individual plates. Please consider that having specifically given this food to your guest, you have no further interest in its destination.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are moving to a small, charming city very popular with tourists. In the past, we have hosted guests in our small condo there, and we expect to continuing welcoming visitors to our slightly larger home. As we will now be locals, I plan to get involved in organizations and activities.

When we have guests, is it permissible for me to encourage them to do some activities on their own? We would provide them with a car, and spend part of every day with them, but now that we will no longer be visitors ourselves, I'd rather encourage our guests to be more independent. Is there a way to do that without being rude?

GENTLE READER: It may not have occurred to you, but Miss Manners assures you that even the most grateful guests wonder how they can have some time on their own without seeming rude to their hosts.

It is up to you, as hosts, to set the schedule, explaining when you have time to be with them, and asking if they want suggestions about what to do in their free time.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I belong to a long-established book club with many members belonging for 20 or 25 years. We have a sort of rotating moderator who sends out reminders and lists of books, and keeps discussions on topic when they veer off too far into grandchildren and health issues.

The present moderator is especially good and skillful at communicating and gracefully keeping everyone on task. One member wants to reward her, and is collecting for a substantial monetary gift.

I am offended and appalled that we would offer money to a friend for doing a good job. I think a modest gift card from a bookstore, or better, a beautiful bouquet, would be much more appropriate (and not embarrassing). How could this awful, well-meaning gesture have been sidetracked?

GENTLE READER: In these crass times, Miss Manners is grateful to hear of someone who considers it insulting to pay social acquaintances for helping out. It downgrades acts of generosity to being paid services.

Yet gratitude should be shown. It is unfortunately common for such generosity to be taken for granted or dismissed as something the volunteer just likes to do.

So you are right to think of whitewashing the situation and laundering the money. A book or flowers, sure, but what about throwing a luncheon in her honor, with the members expressing their admiration? One of the most lasting presents possible is explicit appreciation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend is standing up in my wedding. Can I dictate to her that I don't want her to dye her hair bright purple or red? I am very conservative and I would like that the pictures would reflect a certain decorum. Thank you for any help you can provide.

GENTLE READER: Sorry. Miss Manners can be of no help whatsoever with your desire to redecorate someone you supposedly cherish, in the interest of falsifying her in your wedding pictures.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a neighbor who purchases a table at a charity gala every year. She then "invites" my husband and me to pay for individual seats at her table, telling me that the tickets are tax-deductible. Yes, for her! She's paying the amount for the full table and then we reimburse her.

I feel the invite is hollow and tacky, and don't care to attend. My husband just laughs at her cheapness, and wishes to go. Which of us is correct?

GENTLE READER: You are both correct to keep your snickering to yourselves, and to attend or not as you choose.

Of course, charities will also sell individual tickets, even though the opportunity to buy is delivered in the form of an ersatz invitation. Miss Manners wonders if approaching the organization with a show of possible long-term interest might result in your being admitted to that category. You could cite your neighbor as having aroused your awareness and thank her for that if you are able to buy your tickets directly.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)