DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to wear dress pants instead of a dress or skirt to the party celebrating my husband and me on our 50th anniversary?

GENTLE READER: As you are the host (or presumably in close contact with the person who is), you may set the style.

Please promise Miss Manners, however, that you will not confuse your guests by trying to indicate the level of dress on the invitation with meaningless terms like "semi-formal," "creative cocktail" or "festive casual." The degree of formality should be indicated by the invitation's delivery system (electronic vs. cream linen stationery), wording ("Come on over!" vs. "The pleasure of your company is requested"), venue (backyard vs. hotel ballroom) or simply by knowing you for the better part of 50 years.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What, pray tell, is a "pre-wedding toast" event?

A longtime, but casual, friend -- the father of the bride, whom I have never met -- has sent an electronic invitation (about which I will say nothing) to attend "Bride and Groom's Pre-Wedding Toast." It is an afternoon event on a certain date at a certain location. That is the entire message in the invitation.

No method to RSVP is provided. I will, therefore, respond to the gentleman's personal email address -- while refraining from clicking the tempting "unsubscribe" link within the invitation.

Although I am unable to attend, I would appreciate knowing what is expected at such an event, if I were to receive such an invitation again in the future. Would one be expected to provide a gift to the betrothed couple? What would one expect to occur at the event itself, other than smiling and offering best wishes or congratulations to the appropriate parties?

GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners shares your confusion (and distaste for the method of delivery), the purpose of the party seems to be stated in its title: to announce an engagement. And trusting that the invitee has the means to figure how to contact the host for an RSVP is correct.

What this vague invitation does have going for it is that unlike an engagement party, this event does not force its attendees to start the long path to wedding present fatigue, years in advance. It simply celebrates the betrothed with a modest party and a toast, as it should be.

However, it is also possible that if the event is right before the actual wedding, you are being invited to an adjacent event rather than the wedding itself. But again, no presents are being demanded, and for that we should be grateful. Either way, Miss Manners will take the win and suggests that you do, too.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm old-fashioned: I believe the most appropriate response to hospitality is reciprocation. Is there a polite way to tell a non-reciprocator that repeatedly making vague invitations (e.g. "Jenny and I want to have you over for dinner sometime soon") is irritating and that you would like them to stop making them?

GENTLE READER: "We would love that. When is good?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How in the world did the current conversational "filler word" become "perfect!"? And how do we discourage this annoying "grading" of everything?

Nowadays, it seems, one cannot have any conversation regarding a transaction without one's response being graded as "perfect!" by the questioner. It often even becomes catlike with a "purrrfect" judgment of me or my response to their question.

GENTLE READER: The wording of conventional responses seldom bears up under close scrutiny, as Miss Manners would have told a hypothetical gentleman of a past generation who objected that the clerk was wrong to call his purchase "Very good, sir."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My physician is also a family friend of over 40 years. He is now in his eighth decade, and has been quite remarkable in his health and abilities. But after these many years of excellent care, I have noticed in the past year that his skills and mental acuity are failing.

He insists that he will not retire until next year. However, I am concerned that he will make a mistake -- if not with my care, then with another patient's. I should like to switch to another physician.

This is a delicate matter because of the long friendship with both our families. Would you be able to guide me in a conversation that will end the professional care, but not damage the friendship?

GENTLE READER: This is not an easy conversation to have with a very dear friend.

The solution is to seek out an intermediary with whom you are close and who is closer to your physician friend than you. This may be a spouse, another patient who might evaluate your observation, or another member of the practice group who is qualified to judge.

Expressing your concern to that person will be easier for you to do, although Miss Manners recognizes the problem she is thereby creating for the family member or colleague. And she reminds you that speaking to one of the doctor's colleagues, who can do a professional evaluation, may result in his being retired against his will -- an action that may or may not be necessary, depending on his level of professional deterioration.

Meanwhile, you can say that you want to begin transitioning to another doctor in anticipation of his retirement next year.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have been married for 19 years. He has two daughters from a previous marriage. They have actively hated me since the very beginning.

They are now grown women: 41 and 37 years old. After our last visit, I have decided to quietly bow out -- it is long past time, and my husband agrees. I will still make sure birthdays, Christmas and other special occasions are observed by their father. As well, he can visit them and they can visit him as they all wish.

I obviously won't be there the next time they're all together. What should my husband say? Neither of us is looking for a huge blowup among them.

GENTLE READER: "She couldn't make it this time" -- repeated each time as if it were the first.

Miss Manners offers this as the surest path to the quiet you understandably desire. She does not pretend that it will reform bad behavior, mend relationships, or satisfy those who feel that brutal honesty is better for family health than avoiding angry blowups.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It appears that I am old-fashioned. I do not have a cellphone. I do not have caller identification. I do not have an answering machine. When I receive a phone call, I have no technological assistance in identifying the caller.

My parents instructed me to always begin a phone call by identifying myself, such as: "This is Kristen; may I speak with ..." This practice seems to have fallen out of date; when I answer the phone, very few of my callers introduce themselves.

Although I do recognize the voices of family and close friends, there are many callers whose voices are unfamiliar, prompting me to ask, "With whom am I speaking?"

My question is often followed with a pause, as if I have just insulted the caller by not recognizing their voice or their identity. Have the rules changed? Is it still appropriate to identify oneself at the commencement of a phone call?

GENTLE READER: It is always polite to identify oneself, but in these days of nearly ubiquitous caller identification, people have begun to assume that the technology has done that for them.

The caller may not even realize it has not been done. Miss Manners suggests you defuse the situation with, "Excuse me, but I have an old-fashioned telephone. With whom am I speaking?" While it is strangely considered insulting (or self-deprecating) to label a person old-fashioned, it should not hurt your telephone.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I discovered a lady's wallet lying on the ground in the parking lot of a grocery store. I examined the contents and found that it contained a driver's license, credit cards, insurance cards, a vaccination certificate and other important forms of identification -- but no money.

Her address was nearby, and I was able to get her phone number online, so I called to tell her that I'd found her wallet and would drive over to return it. She sounded excited and grateful, but when I arrived, she immediately inspected it to see how much money was there before giving me a disappointed look.

I explained that I'd found the wallet empty of cash, but she seemed unsatisfied, perhaps silently wondering if I'd taken what had been there. She then handed me a dusty bottle of wine as a gift and thanked me again, quickly escorting me to the door.

I like helping others, and do not subscribe to the adage that "no good deed goes unpunished." However, I wonder how I could have handled this situation differently. Should I have just mailed the wallet anonymously rather than returning it in person?

I don't necessarily need to be rewarded for doing the right thing -- however, I don't want to be scrutinized as a potential criminal for doing so, either.

GENTLE READER: You and Miss Manners have in common not wanting to punish good deeds, so perhaps you can also agree that virtue can be its own reward. As in: She thanked you, perhaps not as graciously as she could have, but you still did the right thing.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)