DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was teaching a graduate course in 1978 and addressed the class with, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen," a female student immediately stood and announced the following:

"We females are all 'women'; however, not all of us are 'ladies.'"

I stood corrected, and told her that I understood; from then until now, so many years later, I have referred to females as "women" and not "ladies."

So my question is: Do we say "ladies and gentlemen" or "men and women"?

GENTLE READER: Other categories have been recognized since 1978, so you should be saying, "Good evening, class."

But your question remains. The terms "ladies" and "gentlemen" imply that those so designated are well-behaved. Miss Manners has been using those terms in the hope of encouraging them to be so. But she admits that there is a social tinge to the terms, which are at best quaint in nonsocial situations, and at worst, patronizing and exclusionary.

This is especially true when, as is all too common, the females are called "ladies" while the males are called "men," which seems to establish a difference in the seriousness of their presence. That is likely the basis of your student's objection.

Still, the common way of addressing an audience, "ladies and gentlemen," is more graceful than "men and women" -- although alternative conventions will eventually surface. It is always possible to say, "Good morning, everyone."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Have the rules changed for sending condolence notes?

When my parents, in-laws and other close family members passed away in years past, I sent handwritten notes to everyone who brought food, sent flowers or made a memorial donation, but I did not send notes to those who came to the visitation or sent a card or note.

With COVID, there were no funerals or visitations, so I sent personal notes to the bereaved, sometimes in lieu of a donation and sometimes in addition. In almost every case, I got a note back, thanking me for my note.

In the future, do I need to send a note if I receive a note, or is it simply that so few people send notes these days that the bereaved feel compelled to thank me for writing?

GENTLE READER: Has the word "note" come to replace "letter," the way people no longer speak of "mothers" but only of "moms"?

If you mean simply taking note of a death -- such as the horrible habit of attaching a "like" to the news -- it does not require a response. But letters of condolence, expressing sympathy with appreciation of the deceased, have always had to be answered. To those who consider it a burden on the bereaved, Miss Manners points out that it is a courtesy performed on behalf of those they lost, as well as encouragement for continued kindness to the grieving.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the happy mother of an absolutely delightful young woman who is currently in college. Everyone finds her charming, and I must say I privately thrill at the compliments she often receives, as I raised her nearly entirely on my own. (My husband always worked long hours, and I stayed home and then worked in my daughter's schools.) I do claim much of the credit for her sweet disposition -- in my own mind, not obnoxiously or out loud.

My mother-in-law, who has never treated me with any amount of kindness, has taken to stating in mixed company that my husband's cousin was "like a second mother" to my daughter and "helped raise her." She says this every time this cousin is around.

I have no clue why the cousin would let this statement go; she knows, as do my husband and I, that she had nothing to do with our daughter's upbringing. She merely babysat twice, maybe thrice, before we moved to a different state when our daughter was 3 years old. (My mother-in-law lived eight states away, had less than nothing to do with my daughter's upbringing and had no knowledge whatsoever of the goings-on in our household.)

I know I shouldn't let this bother me, but it just makes my skin crawl. It was no small task to raise such a lovely young lady, and I took this work very seriously. Is there anything I can say in response to this farcical statement that wouldn't make me look like an ogre?

GENTLE READER: "Yes, Cousin Melba was generous enough to babysit Georgia when she was little and we lived nearby. Fifteen years later, we still feel in her debt."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is always late -- on purpose. For example, we were invited to his aunt's house for lunch at noon. He got up and in the shower at 12:10 and then asked me to call and make excuses.

This was not the only time he has done that. It's a habit of his. He even came late to our daughter's First Communion Mass, although he knew for weeks what time he was supposed to be there.

GENTLE READER: Why are you an active participant in this rude behavior?

It seems to Miss Manners that if you refused to make excuses for him or to delay important events for which you are joint hosts, he would be severely impaired by continuing. Petulant outcries that you are not being a loyal spouse may be returned in kind.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In 20 years, my husband's cousin's wife has never spelled our last name correctly. In her defense, the name looks like a typographical error, and she, being a lovely woman, thinks she has corrected it.

One assumes the proper time to have addressed this was 20 years ago. I am amused, and am willing to have her persevere in her error until the end of my life for fear that alerting her will cause embarrassment.

On the other hand, there are seven families in this branch whose name she is mistreating, and surely someone will voice an objection at some point. We could, in theory, legally change our name to her preferred spelling, but that seems drastic. What does Miss Manners recommend?

GENTLE READER: It would indeed be drastic, if impressive, that you would go to those lengths to save your husband's cousin's wife's feelings.

In lieu of such measures, Miss Manners suggests that you find an excuse to write out your name in full. Or select a small child in the family whom you can helpfully -- and publicly -- instruct to do it for you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two years ago, my son was invited to his cousin's wedding across the country. (This cousin is my ex-wife's niece.) He never received a thank-you card for the wedding gift or for attending.

My ex-wife contacted me recently, requesting that I advise our son to send a thank-you card to his cousin for inviting him to the wedding. Apparently my son brushed off the idea when she suggested it to him directly.

I've never heard of sending a thank-you note for a wedding invitation, unless you're not attending (e.g., "Thank you for the invitation, but unfortunately I cannot attend"). Your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: That a thank-you letter is indeed owed -- to your son, not from him.

While kind of the family to invite him, a thank-you letter for doing so -- especially two years after the fact -- seems only to serve the purpose of rubbing it in that the couple was doing your son a favor.

Letters of thanks are generally reserved for dinner parties, job interviews, state appointments, extraordinary favors and, of course, presents. Miss Manners proposes that you tell your ex-wife that your son similarly brushed off the suggestion -- but that you hope the bridal couple's wedding present from him did not get lost in the mail, lo those two years ago.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am starting to get a bit annoyed with a fellow parent of my daughter's basketball team. This gentleman is constantly talking to no one in particular. It may seem like he is cheering, but it is actually driving some of us over the edge.

This habit of his probably comes from his enthusiasm for the game, but how can I gently ask him to stop the constant chatter?

GENTLE READER: By saying, "What? I'm sorry. Are you talking to me?" enough times that it becomes too tiresome for him to continue.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)