DEAR MISS MANNERS: Would you please define the verb "to elope" or the term "elopement"?

When I was growing up, "elopement" brought mental images of ladders leading to windows, and young women climbing out and running off to marry the gentlemen of their hearts' desire, despite the objections of their families. Or perhaps in a madcap romantic comedy of the '40s, a couple at a party would suddenly decide to marry and would drive through the night to a place where there was no waiting period.

Eloping meant minimal, if any, notice. Usually the only people present besides the couple were whatever witnesses were available at the moment.

Now, I have read about couples asking for advice on how many people to invite to their elopement, and announcements from a couple "eloping" with 10-20 guests in attendance.

To me, that isn't an elopement; that is a small wedding. Have I been misinformed?

GENTLE READER: There is even worse confusion: The word "wedding" is being used to describe occasions at which people are not being legally married, usually because they already are. Especially now, couples who had small ceremonies during the pandemic are holding splashier events that they call weddings.

Miss Manners has no objection to -- indeed, she approves of -- holding delayed receptions for those who were unable to attend the actual wedding. But at a wedding, she expects to see a couple being married.

Nor is this misnomer entirely new. For years, she has heard from married couples who complain that they never had "a real wedding," by which they mean an extravaganza, and want to stage one as if for the first time.

Apparently, as you have observed, an "elopement" now means the opposite -- the act of getting married without auxiliary events and a band. Miss Manners dreads hearing from these couples years from now, when they claim they never had "a real wedding."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If a casual acquaintance has obviously lost weight, is it ever appropriate to say something? How about a friend you haven't seen in a while?

I'm comfortable saying, "I love your new haircut!" But I'm always worried about commenting on weight loss.

GENTLE READER: As well you should be. At worst, the reduction may be the result of illness. But at best, it reveals that you considered the person overweight before.

Miss Manners is generally against commenting on acquaintances' appearance, favorably or unfavorably. For friends, she suggests you learn the phrase, "You're looking wonderful."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just discovered that the mother-in-law of a dear college friend unexpectedly passed away a number of months ago. My understanding (from my friend) is that his wife was understandably bereft at the time, but is slowly emotionally healing.

Is it too late for me to send a condolence note to my friend's wife? I certainly do not wish sad feelings to resurface.

GENTLE READER: Despite television reporters noting that someone is "still" mourning a week, month or year after a death, the sadness of bereavement rarely goes completely away. And it is comforted, not aggravated, by condolences. Please send that letter.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For the past 25 years, my loving but stubborn significant other and I have engaged in an ongoing argument over slicing, not fork-splitting, English muffins. Unfortunately, the first time I saw him slice apart a muffin, I reacted in horror, having never seen anyone do this before (especially as the package was labeled "fork split").

He, in turn, had never heard of fork-splitting muffins. When he asked why this was done, I could only, and perhaps incorrectly, tell him that this was both traditional and that it created a round surface that allowed butter to adhere properly.

To this day, he delights in holding up sliced, buttered English muffins to demonstrate that the butter does not, in fact, slide off.

Except for this no-longer-hilarious quirk, he is a delightful person, but I would like to resolve the issue, once and for all, with a ruling from you.

GENTLE READER: The gentleman is fortunate that he has redeeming qualities to compensate for his shocking behavior. The muffin slicing doesn't bother Miss Manners nearly as much as the endless repetition of a joke that has worn out its humor.

You would only encourage this if you argue about the practicality -- for example, testing whether jam slides off because of the slicing. Besides, your kitchen floor would be a mess.

It is enough that using a fork is traditional. It doesn't have to be utilitarian.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Shouldn't manners make sense instead of being a stupid formality?

For example: When the table is set with a salad plate, why is that plate placed on the left of the main plate? Reaching over the main plate may cause your sleeve to be soiled, although it is true that left-handed people would have no difficulty.

GENTLE READER: No, manners don't always have to make sense. A culture will become used to -- and attached to -- a certain way of doing things, which is enough justification for following its harmless traditions.

But in this case, Miss Manners can supply a reason. Your water and other glasses are on your right. If your salad plate were there, too, you would probably knock them over. And surely left-handed people, who manage to cross their plates without dipping their sleeves in their food, deserve an occasional break.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Often, when my husband and I are at a restaurant, I can't finish my meal and I request to have it boxed up.

We were at a rather nice private club one evening, and I mentioned to him I'd like to take home half my meal, which was untouched. He told me that that was not at all appropriate, so I didn't. What are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Doggie bags are not quite as despised by Miss Manners as you may think, as the concept dates back to Roman times. (Not that that is a rule that should be generally applied.)

Yet she is appalled by guests at dinner parties who seek to take home their hosts' leftovers. A private club is considered to be the same as the home of its members. So if you are a member, go ahead. If you are the guest of a member, do not.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it wrong to accept an invitation to someone's house for a casual dinner if you don't plan on reciprocating?

They are nice people and I would feel bad not accepting their invitation. However, I don't entertain very often, and there are many people I would prioritize over them when I do plan to host a dinner.

GENTLE READER: Well, be sure to let them know where they stand when you reply.

Acceptance of one invitation does not strictly require reciprocation. But plenty of guests accept invitations repeatedly with no intention of responding in kind, or justify it with flimsy excuses of culinary ineptitude or lack of adequate space.

At least the thought of reciprocity crossed your mind. This does not give you an entirely free pass, however. Miss Manners suggests that if you like the couple well enough to spend an evening with them, you may go ahead and accept. Perhaps you will be surprised by how much you enjoy it and feel compelled to reciprocate. Or at least have the grace to express the intention.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over the years, several of my friends and relatives have been afflicted with, and died from, various types of cancer. Each of them fought bravely, but inevitably succumbed to their disease.

I'm cynical from my experiences, perhaps, but I see a cancer diagnosis as a death sentence. Yes, I know about the exceptions, but in my experience, these exceptions are rare.

How do I convey the hope these people deserve, yet remain true to myself by not offering ridiculous consolations? The typical "thinking of you/sending positive thoughts/healing light/you're in my prayers" drivel is, in my mind, useless. What should I say?

GENTLE READER: Few who are truly sick expect more than your sympathy. And Miss Manners agrees that "thoughts and prayers" have become cliche.

All that is required is "I am so sorry," perhaps adding an offer to be of service for meals, errands or rides to the hospital. Unless you are a doctor -- their doctor -- you are not expected to make false predictions that it will get better. Just please do your level best not to say anything that will make them feel worse.

And that should start by eliminating the automatic assumption that cancer -- which is a variety of conditions that affect people in different ways -- is fatal.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While waiting in line at a restaurant, my stomach began to growl. The person next to me commented, "Someone must be hungry!" causing others to giggle and leaving me slightly embarrassed.

Growing up, I was taught that it was permissible to greet a person's sneezes with "bless you" or "gesundheit," but that bodily sounds from below the neck should go unheard and without comment. Have things changed?

GENTLE READER: It is difficult not to react to abrupt noises -- and ignoring them is not always possible. But you were taught well, and Miss Manners commends your self-restraint in not shaming others.

No doubt, this helpful stranger was trying to reduce your embarrassment, rather than exacerbate it. That said, your obvious mortification should have served to prove that instinct wrong.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)