DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it OK to send a sympathy card to someone at the office? How do you acknowledge the passing of a co-worker's loved one? Or do you at all?

I heard from a friend that a former co-worker's mom passed, and I sent a card to her at the office. It's a very small, family-like organization and I didn't think much about it.

Then, a current co-worker's sister died, and I wasn't sure what to do. We live in different states and he wasn't in the office anyway. I had his home address from the staff directory, but that seemed creepy. I ended up offering condolences at the end of an email when he returned to work. (I'm cringing thinking about it.) Are any of these things OK?

GENTLE READER: How to acknowledge the death of someone who is important to a co-worker is an easy question to answer: Write a letter.

The purpose of such communications is to acknowledge the significance of the person's loss, to demonstrate sympathy and to express a desire to ease their burden.

Store-bought cards with preprinted sentiments, signed by a crowd, require such minimal effort that they are unlikely to provide real comfort. They exist, Miss Manners suspects, because no one wants to write those letters, yet no one has the confidence that anyone else is writing, either.

Yet those who sign such cards appreciate, as they should, how it would feel to lose someone close to you and hear nothing from the organization where you spend most of your waking hours.

Letters, then, are the answer -- but who should write them? In a company that actually cares about its employees, everyone should be confident that the first letter will come from the boss -- and possibly the second from the boss's boss. Co-workers can then write, or not, depending on their closeness to the mourner.

And for all the bosses who are recoiling in horror, Miss Manners coldly points out that this simple act of compassion is more likely to win workers over than truckloads of doughnuts from human resources around the holidays.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a group of people who play mahjong online. We use videoconferencing, too, so that we can talk. Often there are nine people playing.

Two of the people have allergies, and continually sniff during the game. Two others have allergies, but use a tissue and don't sniff. Is there a way to tactically ask the sniffers to use tissues? We've even asked if they need a tissue, and they say "no." It's very annoying.

GENTLE READER: New technology so often introduces new manners challenges that it pleases Miss Manners when it can instead be used to solve old manners problems -- tactfully, as well as tactically.

You cannot correct other people's hygiene unless it can be separated from correcting their manners. Correcting their technical difficulties is comparatively easy: "Discover" that when their microphones are left on, others hear (unspecified) background noise, and ask that they mute themselves when not speaking.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the last several weeks, two service providers have arrived at my home at least an hour before the beginning of their allotted time window (e.g., 9 a.m. to 1 p.m.), with no phone call in advance to ask if a schedule change would be OK.

While some people might be thrilled not to have to wait around for a later arrival, I am not; my work schedule starts late and ends late. And typically, it is necessary to clean up the house, get family members dressed and fed, or otherwise prepare before people come and do work inside the house. It is disruptive enough to prepare for a 9 a.m. arrival, let alone to allow for the possibility that the providers might show up even earlier.

In a third case, the workers had not shown up by nearly the end of the window. No one called me. I called the business to ask where things stood, as I had to leave for an appointment, and was told they were running late.

As a longtime homeowner, I am accustomed to experiencing this from time to time. But the increasing frequency of this -- with no communication -- makes me wonder if this is becoming a "new normal," with respect to how businesses treat customers who don't protest. I realize it could be pandemic-related, but am afraid it is not temporary.

What is the polite thing to say to service providers when they arrive early? Or to the business managers, to discourage this, when you are otherwise pleased with the service?

Also, what should be said in the case of late arrivals with no call? In the first early case, I asked, "I thought you were planning to come between 9 and 1?" The provider just smiled. I let them get started on the work. In the second case, I said, "This is REALLY not a good time; could you please come back later?" In neither case was there an apology.

GENTLE READER: Showing little regard for the customer's time was pioneered by cable television providers so effectively that the phrase "waiting for the cable guy" is likely to outlast the technology itself.

Their behavior had little to do with manners and everything to do with leverage, as in, "Do you want me to install this thing, lady, or what?"

There is nothing impolite in telling the workers that, unfortunately, you are not ready for them, as you were told they would not be arriving before 9 o'clock.

Note that this combines an apology with blaming someone other than the worker. But Miss Manners warns you of what you already know: No matter how polite you are, you run the risk of waiting, while the time window closes, wondering whether the person will return.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What should a bridal shower after the wedding be called?

GENTLE READER: Off.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was standing about 20 feet away from a four-way intersection where two drivers had a disagreement about the right of way. A man standing at the corner of the intersection, facing traffic and with his back toward me, made a hand gesture to express his disagreement with one of the drivers.

As I saw this happen, I shook my head, thinking the man had no reason to be involved and should mind his own business. He saw this when he turned around, and then made a comment about bad drivers.

I wanted to let him know that I was shaking my head not to agree with him, but because I was stunned that he chose to be involved.

But yet, I was now getting involved -- when I was advising him to mind his own business. Perhaps my only defense is that he turned to me, versus my calling him out.

Please share your opinion on how to handle this situation.

GENTLE READER: Minding one's own business is in mighty short supply these days. Of the four people in this scenario -- two of whom could have yielded or driven off, and two of whom had no stake in the conflict -- you are apparently the only one who even had any (retroactive) hesitation before jumping into a public dispute.

Miss Manners cannot be the only person who has noticed that confrontations among strangers usually turn ugly. What they never turn is helpful. Never yet has someone humiliated by a stranger conceded being in the wrong and begun a life of reform.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family and I have once again been invited to an annual barbecue party at the hosts' summer house. And once again, we have been instructed to bring our own food to be grilled, as well as a side dish to share. The hosts will supply paper goods and dessert.

I can no longer take part in this travesty. This isn't a party in the tradition that I know, where the hosts open up their home and provide the basics (food and drink).

I can stay home and grill my own dinner, rather than share one grill with all the other guests trying to maneuver their own dogs and burgers.

Do you agree that hosts shouldn't have a party if they demand that guests bring their own food?

GENTLE READER: It is the terminology that bothers Miss Manners. Families and friends may agree to have cooperative meals -- the key word here being "agree." And although someone provides the venue, and someone organizes the food assignments, no one is really a host or a guest.

It is true that hotels speak of "guests" when they mean "paying clients," but it should still mean "someone who is entertained by a host" -- a host being someone who arranges the occasion and provides whatever is necessary.

It does not mean being asked to eat your own dinner at someone else's house. And all that scrambling over the grill sounds like an unpleasant way to do so.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)