DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was taught that at the beginning of any phone call I make, it is polite to ask whether or not my friend is busy. I always ask, "Are you busy now?" or, "Do you have time to talk?"

However, many people who call launch directly into conversation without asking. It seemed to happen even more during the pandemic, when many of us were lonely and wanted to talk with a friend.

I realize I can simply interrupt the caller, and have done so on a few occasions. I would just like to be given the courtesy of being asked.

GENTLE READER: Technology has changed the experience of telephoning and being telephoned, much for the better. But Miss Manners notes that it has overtaken the need for some of the old courtesies.

Once, the ring of the telephone was considered an imperative summons. It was rude to demand attention without regard to the convenience of the person being called. But as one didn't know who was calling, it was considered best not to take a chance on missing something important.

Now, not only do we know who is calling, we can set different rings for different callers, or turn off the ring entirely. Knowing that we all have other demands on our time, no one should be insulted at having to leave a message (but yes, some of them still are).

The increasingly prevalent belief is that less-intrusive communication tools should be used if there is not a reason that real-time speaking is necessary. If you think you are in danger of interrupting someone who nevertheless answers all calls, you might text your polite inquiry: "Would this be a good time to talk?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My longtime friend is grieving the loss of her husband to COVID. I am trying to be supportive by calling, checking on her and just listening.

We all miss him, and I am sure his other relatives are grieving, as well. My friend is seeking professional counseling. In the meantime, she is getting advice from family members. Some of it is questionable, but I am doing my best to listen and not cause more strife.

However, some of this advice is shocking to me. What is a polite response to the sister-in-law who tells the widow to "put on her big-girl pants"? That she should let my friend grieve as long as she needs?

GENTLE READER: Well, yes. It is hard to fathom the sister-in-law's cruelty.

But thoughtless people often do think they can push the bereaved to banish their emotions. The bereaved are routinely berated to hurry through what are blithely described as "stages," to reach something called "closure." On anniversaries, they may be described as "still mourning," as if that is surprising.

Miss Manners' reply would be, "I hope you never have to experience such unrelenting grief." And she would say it coldly enough to make the point that the sister-in-law does not know what she is talking about.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Back in the olden days, when I was in a home economics class, I was told that when setting a table, the knife and spoon were placed on the left side of the plate and the forks were placed on the right.

The explanation for this was that in the semi-civilized medieval times, the knife was placed on the left because most people are right-handed, and this made it more difficult for the diner to stab someone with his or her knife.

Somewhere along the line, the placement has changed to where the knife and spoon are now on the right side of the plate and the forks are on the left.

Am I just misremembering my home ec teaching, or have things just evolved -- because we are obviously much more civilized in our modern times (typed with tongue in cheek)?

GENTLE READER: Much as she hates to spoil such a delightfully vivid picture of a volatile medieval dinner, Miss Manners is obliged to tell you that there were no place settings in that period. None.

Diners brought to the table their own knives (likely the same knives that they used for hunting), their own spoons and, more notably, their fingers. The only Europeans who used forks were Italians, which English tourists thought hilariously pretentious. Instead of plates, there were bread trenchers, which would soak up the juices and be then thrown to the dogs. Or the starving peasants.

But you are quite right to question our ability to look down on these people for being less civilized than we are. Dinners, when given by those who could afford them, were highly ceremonial.

Precedence was strictly observed. We have the expression about being placed "below the salt" because the salt cellar, often silver and beautifully shaped, marked the difference between the more and less distinguished guests. There were elaborate hand-washing rituals and meat-carving traditions at the table, as well.

And we have the word of Erasmus, a great etiquette authority (among his other talents), that polite medieval people would rest their knives to the right of their trenchers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have always gone out to dinner a few times a week. If there was a wait, we put our name in and waited near the entrance together.

Since COVID began, you have to wait in your car. My husband pulls up to the door and expects me to get out, put in our name and come back to the car to wait with him. Am I being old-fashioned in thinking he should put our name in?

GENTLE READER: Why? Because you are a lady and should be spared making an effort?

Gender is not always the key distinction, Miss Manners must inform you, and it is not in this case. Rather, it is who is driving -- and since it is your husband who pulled up to the door, he should not have to leave the car, blocking others, as he approaches the restaurant.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My girlfriend has done a lot for my family and me, but my family shows little enthusiasm for her. How can I get them to appreciate her more and to reciprocate what she has done? I live in fear of them attacking her or being cynical about romance itself.

She has helped me get a job, gotten me a raise, written letters to my family, gotten me a huge discount on rent, given my family free food, etc.

GENTLE READER: Your girlfriend seems to have an inordinate amount of influence over your career and financial status. Miss Manners is further struggling to see how many of these attributes could be reciprocated by your family, or how you made the leap to the possibility of them attacking her.

Is it possible that your family is (perhaps unfairly) reacting negatively based on past patterns, relationships or behavior? A solution might be this: "Kelsey is really trying to get to know you, and she is important to me. Please treat her kindly. I would like her to be around for a while."

The subtle implication -- that the family might be responsible for the fact that previous partners are no longer in the picture -- will likely not be lost on them. Perhaps it will shame them into more gracious behavior.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: About a year ago, we received a "save the date" from a couple identified only as "Max and Jenny," with their photo and the date of their planned wedding. Neither my wife nor I recognized the names or the photograph.

We put the date on our calendar, expecting to hear more later. Now we have received another notification, postponing the date for another year, presumably because of COVID. This card also had only their first names and photos, and we still did not recognize them.

It did have a return address, which we did not recognize, either. Should we contact the couple via mail to ask who they are? We are wondering for whom we should be saving this date.

GENTLE READER: No doubt these are the children of work acquaintances, or of high school friends. Miss Manners can only suggest that you look up the address for more clues (or at least a last name), decline the invitation or resign yourselves to blindly attending a mystery event.

Wedding couples should take the note: If you are going to expand your guest list to people with whom you are not in regular contact, at least provide some helpful and telling leads.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am cursed with terrible handwriting. Sometimes even I can't read what I have written. When I try to write legibly, my writing looks like that of a 5-year-old.

Which brings me to thank-you notes. If I hand-write them, they are illegible or ridiculous-looking. Is it acceptable to write my thank-you notes on the computer? It makes more sense, but feels wrong, though I don't really know why. Well, I sort of do: because it seems impersonal. But is that reason enough to have to send bad handwritten notes?

GENTLE READER: Or, as Miss Manners helpfully suggests, you could simply take efforts to make your handwriting less bad. You do not get an etiquette pass for an issue that is, at least partially, in your control.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)