DEAR MISS MANNERS: Fifty years ago, I divorced a cheating, abusive spouse and never looked back. Even though we still live in the same community, there has been no contact whatsoever since the divorce.

Several years ago, my oldest decided to reconnect with my ex-husband, and talks with him a few times a year for birthdays or holidays. I've said nothing; the "child" is more than 40 years old and capable of deciding how to live.

I heard that my ex has several serious health issues. Oldest child now says that, should my ex die before I do, I should attend the funeral "to pay respects."

I see no reason to "pay respects" to someone who 1. had absolutely no respect for me during our marriage, and 2. made no attempt to see or support his children.

My other children agree, and have said that they would not attend, either. This has led to some conflict with the oldest sibling.

Is there a "proper" way to deal with this, given the circumstances? Does proper etiquette insist that long-divorced spouses attend services for an ex they haven't seen in decades?

GENTLE READER: Although she is not afraid of a fight, Etiquette objects to being pulled into one that is not hers. Your decision to sever all connection to your former spouse is yours to make, as is your child's decision to renew the relationship. They are even within their rights to hope a reconciliation is possible.

Where your child is wrong -- and Miss Manners is willing to have you quote her on this point -- is to suggest that good manners require a show of respect (attending a funeral) for someone who forfeited that right.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A neighbor, whom we speak with occasionally and who brings us baked goods, told me about a mother and child in the neighborhood. She said they were alone and struggling, and that the mother needed a gift for the little girl. I offered to buy a doll and have this neighbor bring it to them, since she said she knew them.

I never heard back, so I don't know if the child received the doll. I confronted this neighbor about where the doll was. No further response.

I think this was a scam. She may have kept the doll, although she has no children, or given it to her church. It is all very disheartening.

GENTLE READER: It is. It is also a reminder of the risks of letting others act as go-betweens for your own generous impulses, whether it is a neighbor, a co-worker or a friend. Even if your neighbor's intentions were pure, the child's parent might have wondered to whom gratitude was due.

If you are willing to empower someone in this way, Miss Manners advises thinking of it as a transaction between yourself and the go-between, not yourself and the intended recipient. The neighbor should have thanked you, as well as doing what she promised, and should not be receiving such commissions in the future.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there some social decorum for dealing with people who seem to be trying to force a confrontation? For instance, when you don't immediately move out of someone's way when walking down a grocery aisle, and they get in your personal space, shouting and cursing and aggressively following you even though you try to excuse yourself and move on?

It seems that lately, when I do venture out in public, I am likely to run into more of this type of episode. For some seemingly inconsequential reason, somebody just loses it and becomes aggressive and scary.

I was raised to believe that when people behaved badly in public, you just move along. Don't acknowledge or engage. But now, that seems to set these people off even more.

GENTLE READER: Sure, but it gets you away. Why would you want to stick around?

Yes, yes, Miss Manners knows you are hoping for a witty and withering reply that will reduce your attacker to jelly. That is not likely to be possible. A person in that state is not even listening, except perhaps for a stray phrase to use for another insult.

But all right, here are a few to try:

"Don't I know you? I've seen you at your job."

"Are you going to be OK?"

"You're too kind."

Please let Miss Manners know if any of these works.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the mother of the groom, and the mother of the bride had done business with some friends I had invited to the wedding. At the reception, she approached them to discuss a problem she'd had with their company, talking to them for 30 minutes until she was satisfied and got what she wanted.

They were so upset that they ended up leaving the wedding, which upset me. Can you help me see this through? I feel that a wedding reception is for fun, not for bringing out dirty laundry.

GENTLE READER: As is any social event. It should not be used to discuss any kind of business, much less to use the occasion to complain. The unfortunate emphasis on networking -- which ought to mean only ingratiating oneself with useful people, not trying to use them on the spot -- has meant that no one has time off to have fun.

You should apologize to your friends. Yet Miss Manners cautions you to manage that without mentioning the culprit. If you can, just say that you were sorry they were driven away. It is more than that lady deserves, Miss Manners agrees, but you surely do not want your son to begin his marriage caught in a spat between his mother and his mother-in-law.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I have lemon cake and cheese at a party, should I serve the cheese first or last?

GENTLE READER: First.

What? Does Miss Manners also have to serve up a rationale? In the traditional order of courses, cheese comes before sweets. No doubt your foodie friends can explain why.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Someone I know who just got married six months ago has caught her husband cheating, and is now filing for divorce. The question is: Do they need to return the wedding gifts?

GENTLE READER: Did they write each person to give thanks for those presents?

Miss Manners asks because she is making a new rule -- or rather, amending the old one. The old rule was that wedding presents must be returned after a broken engagement, even if the engagement is broken at the altar, but that they need not be returned if the wedding took place, regardless of whether the marriage lasts.

She now declares that this only holds if thanks for those presents have already been sent.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have formed a "pod" with three other couples who are good friends. We enjoy having dinner parties and gatherings with the other couples. We all get along wonderfully, and everyone lives within about 30 minutes of each other.

We all take turns hosting dinners or backyard barbecues. The event is totally up to the couple hosting. We have great meals, wine and conversation.

The problem is the wife in one of the couples. It doesn't matter who is hosting the event, or if it is a formal, elegant dinner party or a casual backyard patio meal. This one person will invariably ask what is being planned to serve.

If she were to ask me what I planned to make, and I said fish, she might say, "Oh, I haven't had pork chops for a long time." Sometimes, she will even say, without even asking about the menu, that she would really like chicken cordon bleu -- or whatever it might be that would please her palate that day! Keep in mind, she has no allergies nor issues with gluten, nor is she lactose-intolerant.

I was brought up that when you are invited to someone's house for a meal, you eat what is prepared. Unless, of course there are allergies, etc.

We would like to get it across to her that we don't appreciate this. As I said, we are all good friends, so we don't want to cause a rift.

GENTLE READER: Then stop answering impertinent questions as if it were proper for her to ask them.

To inquiries about what you plan to make, Miss Manners suggests "a surprise," even if the surprise is takeout pizza. To her suggestions, respond, "That sounds wonderful. We'll look forward to eating that when it's your turn to host."

And if you need a general admonishment, "You must miss restaurants, where you can order what you want. I'm afraid none of us can manage that, but I hope you find it worthwhile to enjoy our company anyway."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)