DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our vice president is being addressed as "Madam Vice President." I realize she is the first female vice president in the United States and so this usage is precedent-setting. However, to my ear, this usage doesn't seem to be the female equivalent of the way American presidents are addressed ("Mr. President").

Wouldn't true equivalency be "Ms. Vice President"? In the Francophone diplomatic world, "madam" is used for both female ambassadors and wives of ambassadors, which further muddies the water.

GENTLE READER: There is another muddle in that water: You are confusing "madam" with the French honorific "madame."

"Madam" is a perfectly good English word -- the equivalent of "mister," with a dash more respect added. Thus it is the correct way to address someone of high rank, married or not (as it is used for female royalty in England). In direct address, it is abbreviated as "ma’am," equivalent to "sir" for males.

As Miss Manners recalls, the precedent was set by the previous highest-ranking female in U.S. government. When Madeleine Albright became secretary of state, she became "Madam Secretary," as she entitled her memoir.

You need not feel bad about your mistake; the entire last all-male United States Supreme Court was unable to figure out (and failed to research) the equivalent for "Mr. Justice" for their first female peer. So, like many people who are bewildered by the emotional controversy about titles, they dropped the courtesy entirely, becoming simply "Justice."

It saddens Miss Manners when those little touches of respect disappear.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an openly lesbian female, though I have only had a couple of brief relationships. I'm not butch, but I do have a masculine side to me. I don't wear makeup or dress "girly" -- always jeans and a T-shirt.

My daughter is getting married next year, and she wants me, as the mother of the bride, to wear a dress. I feel that I don't look good at all in dresses, and also, I have a lot of tattoos that were done at home and are really bad.

I asked her if I could wear a suit, but she doesn't really want me to. I have a year to figure this out. Should I wear a dress that she thinks I look good in? Or should I wear a suit and be comfortable?

GENTLE READER: Your daughter will be able to amass huge support from countless sources that will declare that it is "the bride’s day" and she gets to have she wants.

They are all wrong: They all encourage a bride to be selfish at the expense of others. And Miss Manners fails to understand why your daughter would want you to feel uncomfortable during her wedding.

She can ask you to dress up for the occasion, but that does not mean it has to be a dress. She can make suggestions. She can offer to go shopping with you. But you are an adult, and the final decision is yours.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a small grocery shop that also serves microbrew beers on tap, I brought some fresh vegetables to the counter to purchase. I paid by credit card, and when I was presented with the screen to add a tip (a choice of 15%, 20%, etc. or no tip), I added a tip as I would have done at a restaurant.

A similar thing occurred at a different shop that sells both groceries and prepared food. I was offered the tip screen, although my purchase was groceries only. I paid a tip there, too. I thought it felt rude not to tip when clearly being asked to do so, and I want to tip when it is correct. The employee is personally right there, showing the tip screen to the customer.

GENTLE READER: Which is a wonderfully effective practice. It worked on you.

But as manipulative as this was, one does not, Miss Manners assures you, have to fear being rude to a machine.

She is further of the opinion that tipping should be abolished altogether in favor of better wages. But as the practice still exists, it is necessary to supplement underpaid workers, and reasonable to expect that it generally be utilized for service and delivery only.

To further complicate things, however, she makes an exception for precarious times like this, when workers are risking their health and well-being for ours.

In that case, Miss Manners is inclined to be generous. But she still does not like being bullied into that generosity by a machine.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our son and daughter-in-law, who are expecting their first child, live in Europe, whereas the rest of our extended family lives in the United States. Relatives have started sending gifts to us to forward to them abroad. There are no explanations with the packages, just the assumption that we will ship their gifts overseas.

Is this our responsibility? If not, how do we handle what I suspect is going to be an ongoing situation? Case in point, we just received an annual family calendar with their names on it.

GENTLE READER: As the latter is a recurring present, you might inform the giver now that they have the wrong address and avoid subsequent mis-deliveries. As for the rest, Miss Manners strongly encourages you to tell your son and daughter-in-law to send out baby announcements with their European address clearly marked.

For those items already in your possession, you can also make this the new parents' problem. They can: A) figure out how to have them sent or B) leave enough room in their luggage to bring them back when they visit.

Or -- and this may be the most likely solution -- you may get their agreement to keep them at your house, as they probably already have everything they need for the baby back home. Then your grandchild will have lovely things at your house when they come visit. If your local friends notice that the presents are still with you, you may always say that solutions A and B are still in process.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last year I started an annual, seasonal job that I will be returning to soon. I got on especially well with my desk neighbor, as we have a lot in common. For example, we are both highly sensitive to fragrances and things like shirt tags and sock seams. We also share a propensity for saving items that most people would discard, like cardboard boxes, in case we might find a use for them at a later date.

One day, I walked into work and saw two very outdated shirts on her desk. She announced she had no use for them and brought them in to see if I might want them. At the time, I thought my reply would surely be approved by Miss Manners. It was something like:

”Thank you for thinking of me. I always appreciate an offer of free clothes, and that is indeed a very high-quality brand. In fact, I, too, have a shirt of that brand that I never wear, but cannot bring myself to get rid of. Ha ha! Unfortunately, I have to be honest and admit I would never wear them, as I wear T-shirts for comfort everywhere but the office, and I really cannot pull off wearing that color. I would hate for these good-quality shirts to be wasted when they may be exactly what someone shopping at a thrift store is looking for. I do really appreciate the offer, though."

Two or three co-workers overheard the exchange, and I suspect they thought I was just being tactful (or pompous). But as a fellow pack-rat, I know how important it feels to have items be put to good use.

I almost immediately regretted my response. I fear that I may have squashed a sprouting friendship. I hope that when we return, we may become friends, or at least lunch buddies. It may well have been no big deal to her, but I don't want to be obliviously friendly if she is inwardly bothered.

Should I just casually comment that I hope she found a good home for those shirts and I regret not having use for them -- and by the way, that was really nice of her to offer them? Or should I just let what happened in 2020 stay in 2020?

GENTLE READER: The latter. Even if your co-worker had nothing better to brood about during a pandemic year, you have no evidence of her being offended.

If anyone was looking for insult, it might be you. "These don't meet my standards, but maybe yours are lower" is not a present and does not have to be treated as such. Not that Miss Manners is looking for a fight, or trying to negate your response. If you detect pouting and resentment, you can try offering your casual approach of bringing it up again. But otherwise, steer clear of it -- and of her future efforts to clean house.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I find the phrase "shut up" to be hostile, aggressive and just demoralizing. Are there any situations where it is OK to say it?

GENTLE READER: "Shut up the house before the storm hits, Pa!”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)