DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am happy that our 21-year-old son still lives with us. He is our only child, and his father and I are not eager to be empty-nesters at this point. We enjoy his company.

He is an extremely hard worker, putting in long hours running a division of the family business, and he leaves for work around 4:30 a.m. As his neatnik mother, I make his bed for him most days (though he DOES know how). When he arrives home, it's neat and tidy.

Miss Manners, my issue is with his girlfriend, who spends a few nights here each week. I like her, and as they are both adults, I am OK with this arrangement.

I know that when she arrives, the bed is made nicely. However, when they leave together in the morning, the bed is either left unmade or haphazardly thrown together. Also, her empty or half-empty beverage containers are left on the dresser.

I have occasionally given them both a friendly reminder about making the bed. As she is a guest, is it unreasonable that I should expect her to make up the bed as it was? At least she could suggest to my son that they do so together. Perhaps I'm old-fashioned. Are my expectations reasonable? Is there a gracious way for me to let my feelings be known?

GENTLE READER: Have you tried just asking them to shut the door after themselves?

As more adult children continue to live with their parents, confusion has naturally arisen over the etiquette. Your son is not a guest, but neither is he a child. His girlfriend's presence increases the confusion.

Miss Manners is gently indifferent to whether or not you continue to make your son's bed, but is clear on some points:

First, an adult child is expected to exercise the empathy and judgment of the former, not the latter. That means your son should be expressing occasional gratitude if you make his bed -- or getting your assent that, as it is his room, it is his decision to leave it unmade -- and doing what he can to be helpful around the house.

Second, the girlfriend is a long-term guest, which means that she, too, should offer to help out. The way to establish an understanding is to discuss your mutual expectations and obligations with your son, leaving him with the job of telling her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What are the manners about answering text messages? We cannot always respond right away, but shouldn't some response be warranted? I see that some of my recipients have "read” my message, but they do not respond. A quick acknowledgment would be nice, or is it not needed?

GENTLE READER: Not all communications require an answer: You do not have to return a call from a salesman trying to sell you something. But those that do require responses do so irrespective of the technology. Two responses -- telling the initiator that you have seen their message and will respond later, and then doing so -- are only required if you cannot respond in a timely manner. Miss Manners does not, however, agree that timely and instantaneous are the same thing.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I keep receiving high school -- and even college! -- graduation invitations from the parents instead of the graduate. I always thought they should come from the graduate. What do you say?

GENTLE READER: That new graduates ought to be able to have their own parties with their classmates and friends without being shown off to the parental circle.

That declaration should antagonize a great many parents who will carry on about how proud they are of their offspring. As well they should be. Miss Manners would think it enough to tell their friends, rather than to summon them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Prior to the pandemic, we socialized a great deal with various neighbors, inviting them into our home for cocktails or meals. All of that stopped a year ago.

However, my spouse and I have now been vaccinated for COVID, and I know that some of our neighbors have been, too. We would like to entertain again, limiting it to one or two other couples at most.

Of course, when one says “vaccinated," that can mean different things: One spouse has been vaccinated, one hasn't; one or both have just started the process; both spouses have been vaccinated and enough time has passed that it is as effective as it will be, etc.

Without causing hurt feelings, how does one go about inquiring whether or not a couple have finished the vaccination process? I am hesitant to issue a conditional invitation ("If you both have been, then you can come," etc.). Since these are not necessarily close friends, it's impossible to know their vaccination status ahead of time.

Will you please suggest how to proceed? I do not wish to add to the already plentiful supply of malice and hurt feelings that exist.

GENTLE READER: Indeed, such inquiries might make you seem like those youngsters who go around asking classmates what grades they got in order to show off their own.

Yet you do need to know. How fortunate, then, that it is charming simply to declare how eager you are to see your friends.

“We miss you, and hope to see you when it is safe,” you might write. “As soon as you are both finished with vaccinations, we would like to schedule a celebratory dinner.”

Miss Manners advises sending these to separate individuals or couples, rather than in a group message. It is more flattering, and more practical for the small gatherings you seek.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I extolled the qualities of a restaurant to which I proposed bringing a onetime love interest. Her question was, "Who did you go there with?"

Similarly, I later related my excitement at being served a particular dish at another restaurant. Again her question was, "Who did you go with?"

Is this not completely unacceptable?

GENTLE READER: Certainly. She should have said “whom.” Miss Manners quite understands your dismay.

Oh, you mean that it was nosy of her to ask with whom you had dined. Well, yes. It would seem that the lady does not feel that your onetime interest was enough, but that you do. To discourage her, you might say, “and I suppose my next guest will be asking who you are.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

GENTLE READERS: Not for the first time, Miss Manners is confused by the fashion news. There are pronouncements that after having lived so long in leisure clothes, people will never return to structured clothing. And there are counter-pronouncements that after slopping around in sweat clothes for so long, people will be eager to dress up.

Let us skip the naive but automatic protest that it is shallow to notice and interpret clothing, and also the mistaken belief that etiquette applies only to formal situations -- thus liberating people to behave badly at home -- and that etiquette would, therefore, favor dressing up all the time.

Before the pandemic, if Miss Manners can cast her mind that far back, we had been reduced to two styles of dressing: Casual, and Prom-Wedding-Awards Ceremony. As the latter category does not often touch the lives of most people, the result was pretty much All Casual, All the Time.

But then came sequestering, and Casual became the more formal dress, at least from the waist up. Miss Manners has no objection to whatever she cannot see, as long as those who are exposed to it do not. Etiquette is good at minding its own business.

But when we return to public life, it seems to her that much fun is lost when there is no variety. Wasn’t it the sign of an oppressed proletariat that they all wore similar, drab, monotonous, practical clothing -- as opposed to those of us free to exercise our individuality?

True, that sometimes makes trouble: schoolchildren vying for status symbols their families can’t afford, for example. Disputes over how much of the body should be shielded from public view. Items deemed chic that are not just uncomfortable, but that can cause bodily damage. And styles that cause shock -- whether because they are vulgar, silly or what everyone will be wearing next year.

Dress fights are so common between parents and children, and employers and employees, that they are considered to be part of normal life.

And there is a powerful industry devoted to ensuring that our standards of decency and even of beauty are constantly changing.

Despite all that, Miss Manners would think it a shame if people all took to -- or perhaps continued -- slouching around in their jammies. It is delightful to lounge backstage, partly because of the contrast with being out in public. The trade-off between comfort and style is exaggerated, except by those who insist upon wearing stiletto heels or skin-tight pants.

Beyond that, it is a shame to limit life to one mode and mood. The variety is stimulating, to the extent that behavior tends to be influenced by dress -- so that, for example, what used to be business dress prompted a professional attitude, and fancy clothes contributed to a festive spirit.

So yes, Miss Manners is hoping for a return to comfortably structured clothing, but only because one shouldn’t have to attend a wedding in order to play dress-up.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend I've known since childhood. We live on different continents, so we haven't seen each other often, but our friendship continued even after we each got married.

Since the lockdown, being able to Zoom with my friend and his spouse every month or so has been a miracle. However, I would like to have time with just my friend. I can't find a polite way to say that I'd like to talk to my friend without the company of his spouse. Can you?

GENTLE READER: Yes. Your devices also permit you to make telephone calls.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)