DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was recently reminded of a situation in which I acted badly. Due to COVID restrictions, this is not a scenario likely to come up again soon, but I am hoping you can tell me what the mannerly approach would have been, so I can do better in the future.

Last year, I was invited to a cookie decorating party. My job is to work with children who have significant behavioral challenges, and it had been a particularly stressful year. I declined the invitation, stating that I was too stressed out from work to go. (It had been the kind of year where, when I got home from work, I would crawl into my bed and hide under my comforter for a couple of hours.)

The day of the event, my friend called to ask me if I would reconsider and attend her party. The truth was, I had declined the invitation because I suspected kids might be in attendance. I’ve found that when work is really stressful, I cannot be around children because I cannot turn the “teacher” off. In a weak moment, I thought I’d just tell her what the problem was: I asked her if kids were going to be there, and told her that it was a point in the school year where I couldn’t handle being around children.

She responded pretty coldly and told me that she couldn’t tell parents not to bring their kids. Then she gave me a weird lecture about how parents deserve to go to parties and have social lives, too.

I had zero intention of trying to change her guest list; I just wanted to know if kids were coming, so I would know not to be there.

I do understand that you can’t ask who is coming to a party before you accept an invitation, but is there any polite way to inquire about whether children are expected?

GENTLE READER: At a cookie decorating party? Miss Manners would think that you could have made a pretty educated guess.

Avoiding a whole category of people, rather than irksome individuals, does not make the excuse any less rude. But your friend also should not have pressed you on what was an otherwise politely declined invitation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been thinking about whether or not my gift to a charity in a couple’s name was rude. The wedding couple had requested no gifts, but to make a donation to a specific charity instead. They included a box at the reception in which to place donations.

I could not support the charity’s mission. After careful thought, I made a donation in the couple’s name to a highly respected local charity, whose mission is not controversial.

I never received a thank-you, and I wonder if I have offended. Should I have just not sent a gift?

GENTLE READER: As Miss Manners does not believe that presents are fungible, she sees no harm in either following the couple’s desire not to receive anything or in substituting a real gift.

Substituting a different charity was an unfortunate middle ground. It underlines your unhappiness with the intended charity while forgoing your opportunity either to claim that you could not contain your generous impulse to give them something for themselves, or to claim that you were never good at following directions.

At this point, the wisest course is to acknowledge that the wedding is over and act as if everything is fine.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I redid my kitchen (well, had it redone). It took a long time to happen, and it was worth the wait.

I was excited when it was finished and wanted to show it off, naturally, to a woman I thought was a friend. But she never came to see it, never asked me about it, asked how I like it, etc.

She lives in the same town and we take walks occasionally. I never brought it up, but I am kind of hurt. I feel I should say something.

GENTLE READER: While it is reasonable to expect friends to show interest in each other’s accomplishments, home renovation is significantly more exciting for the homeowner than for the rest of the world.

Miss Manners therefore cautions you not to expect more enthusiasm than would be shown for a new puppy, and significantly less than is expected for a new grandchild. If the initial response is not as energetic as you hoped, it is still better to enjoy the kitchen in private than annoy a friend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend and I were enjoying brunch outdoors at a nice restaurant when a couple with a large dog and a baby in a stroller were seated at a nearby table.

I kept silent as the couple obliviously allowed the dog to “visit” other tables, dragging its long leash behind it. I kept silent when the couple finally grabbed the leash but still allowed the dog to walk around, creating a trip hazard for anyone walking by. I figured that with a dog and a baby, these people were doing the best they could.

However, I’m ashamed to say that I also kept silent when -- after they finished dining, but before the table was cleared -- they proceeded to change the baby’s diaper ON THE TABLE. They then got up and left, leaving the dirty diaper on the table.

This would have been revolting at any time, but even more so during a health crisis. The most I could do was commiserate with the busboy and leave a large tip, but should I have said something to the couple at the time?

GENTLE READER: Everyone has been shocked to hear of crimes committed in full view of a group of people who did not intervene, thereby allowing it to happen. But this admittedly disgusting action is not one of those times.

Half of the rudenesses that come to Miss Manners’ attention are of people who chastise perfect strangers for infractions, rather than actual crimes, confident that they are doing good. (The recipients of such unwanted attentions tell her, without exception, that the self-appointed judge/jury/executioner was wrong on the facts, but this is beside the point, and hardly possible here.)

Since it is not virtuous, but rude, to correct another person’s manners, your own behavior -- including tipping the busboy -- was beyond reproach. This is an assurance Miss Manners fears you will find of little comfort.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for more than 12 years now, engaged for most of that time. We live together, and throughout our entire relationship, have spent time with friends together.

There is one friend we’ve spent many weekends with -- celebrated graduations, birthdays, had him over for meals, etc. He has now gotten engaged to a woman I have met once; my fiance has yet to meet her.

My fiance received an invitation to their wedding addressed to him “and guest.” I am confused by this.

I understand that unmarried men typically get a plus-one to a wedding, but this is addressed right on the envelope. I feel like it completely negates a relationship that far predates the soon-to-be newlyweds’ one.

I should mention that my fiance saw “and guest” immediately and did not like that my name was not there. Is it proper not to acknowledge someone on an invitation because they didn’t take the trip down the aisle first? Am I being overly sensitive?

GENTLE READER: Using the salutation on an envelope to critique your living arrangements is, Miss Manners suspects, too subtle for your friend. And if it was done in deference to etiquette, it is simply wrong.

The proper rule is to treat recognized couples as a social unit. What constitutes recognition may not be as clear as it once was, but it should certainly include you and your fiance: You are engaged and you are socializing as a unit.

Whether a 12-year engagement outranks a one-month engagement is not a discussion Miss Manners is prepared to entertain.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been going to the same hairdresser for years, and asked her to cut my hair before my son’s wedding.

She did a terrible job. One side was an inch shorter than the other. She was on pain medication, so I tried to be understanding.

It cost me a ton to find someone who would even attempt to repair it, and I came out looking like I was being recruited for a cult. Things are still uneven, just not as much.

My longtime hairdresser lives across the street. If I go out my door, I see her. I want to find someone else. What do I say?

GENTLE READER: In response to what? No one has said anything. If she says “hello,” say “hello” back with your warmest smile. If she asks if you need a haircut, thank her and respond that you do not. If she asks where you are going for haircuts these days, tell her.

Your embarrassment in being disloyal to a professional who does her job badly is inexplicable to Miss Manners. But she is confident it will diminish if the hairdresser pushes for further explanation. You may then decide whether to wade into an explanation that you were unhappy with the service, or keep repeating that you have found someone else.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)