DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for more than 12 years now, engaged for most of that time. We live together, and throughout our entire relationship, have spent time with friends together.

There is one friend we’ve spent many weekends with -- celebrated graduations, birthdays, had him over for meals, etc. He has now gotten engaged to a woman I have met once; my fiance has yet to meet her.

My fiance received an invitation to their wedding addressed to him “and guest.” I am confused by this.

I understand that unmarried men typically get a plus-one to a wedding, but this is addressed right on the envelope. I feel like it completely negates a relationship that far predates the soon-to-be newlyweds’ one.

I should mention that my fiance saw “and guest” immediately and did not like that my name was not there. Is it proper not to acknowledge someone on an invitation because they didn’t take the trip down the aisle first? Am I being overly sensitive?

GENTLE READER: Using the salutation on an envelope to critique your living arrangements is, Miss Manners suspects, too subtle for your friend. And if it was done in deference to etiquette, it is simply wrong.

The proper rule is to treat recognized couples as a social unit. What constitutes recognition may not be as clear as it once was, but it should certainly include you and your fiance: You are engaged and you are socializing as a unit.

Whether a 12-year engagement outranks a one-month engagement is not a discussion Miss Manners is prepared to entertain.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been going to the same hairdresser for years, and asked her to cut my hair before my son’s wedding.

She did a terrible job. One side was an inch shorter than the other. She was on pain medication, so I tried to be understanding.

It cost me a ton to find someone who would even attempt to repair it, and I came out looking like I was being recruited for a cult. Things are still uneven, just not as much.

My longtime hairdresser lives across the street. If I go out my door, I see her. I want to find someone else. What do I say?

GENTLE READER: In response to what? No one has said anything. If she says “hello,” say “hello” back with your warmest smile. If she asks if you need a haircut, thank her and respond that you do not. If she asks where you are going for haircuts these days, tell her.

Your embarrassment in being disloyal to a professional who does her job badly is inexplicable to Miss Manners. But she is confident it will diminish if the hairdresser pushes for further explanation. You may then decide whether to wade into an explanation that you were unhappy with the service, or keep repeating that you have found someone else.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 22-year-old college student. To avoid having student loans, I work hard and don’t have a lot of funds left over after paying for tuition. Thus, my wardrobe is not exactly high-end. My clothes are always clean and neat, but admittedly my winter coat is showing a lot of wear and tear.

At the beginning of a recent class, my professor told the class (of 12 students) that before we began, someone had a special announcement. Another student pulled out a gift bag, and presented me with a new coat that the entire class had pitched in to buy for me.

She gave a little speech about how some are less fortunate than others, and those who are in a better position want to be a blessing. Several students and my professor were videoing the whole thing on their phones.

After turning crimson from embarrassment, I said “thank you,” then welled up with tears. I think they thought I was crying because I was so touched, but actually I was humiliated. I had never felt so ashamed in my whole life.

They were all so happy and cheering. I just wanted to run out of the classroom, but I stayed until the end of the session, then made a quick exit. I heard that several classmates posted the video on social media.

How should I respond to this? How do I thank them when I am not at all thankful for their embarrassing me? And do I have to wear this coat to class now? They, of course, will notice if I don’t. It is a nice coat, but I’m embarrassed.

GENTLE READER: We have to suppose that they meant well, but this is what Miss Manners would call selfish charity.

The coarsening of society, where solvent people are shameless about asking for money -- as presents or outright funding -- has made them insensitive to feelings of self-respect and pride. They cannot imagine that anyone wouldn’t be thrilled to get something for free.

So you must explain. This is, in fact, a class, so teaching a lesson is warranted.

They will be expecting a torrent of gratitude, so you must begin by acknowledging their good intentions. Then ask them to please take down the video, because it embarrasses you.

Then you must counter assumptions that you are being modest, and explain how you really feel. Miss Manners suggests something like this:

“I believe in charity, and I recognize your charitable motive. Thank you for worrying about me, but I am not a charity case. I am not as well-off or as well-dressed as the rest of you, but I have my pride. I hope you will understand why I cannot accept this.”

Then you could add, “I will be donating this coat to a homeless shelter, and I will do so anonymously, so as not to embarrass anyone.” Or, if you want to keep the coat: “I will be putting aside money until I am able to pay your kindness forward by donating the amount to the truly needy.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been requested to serve as witness to my gay BFF’s online wedding, which I gleefully accepted. However, I am slightly stressed out about how I should physically present myself on the videoconference.

I asked the groom if I should bathe, doll myself up and wear proper wedding attire for this event, in accordance with normal societal etiquette. I offered to wear a dress of his choosing, and -- ugh -- earrings.

However, the groom strongly insisted that I show up online as my true, everyday self. He specified that I should not bathe nor wear makeup, and should attire myself in my usual dirtied T-shirt and sweatpants (which is an accurate characterization of my true, everyday self).

Although the groom and I think this is appropriate, I do worry that others might feel I am being disrespectful of the wedding. One could reasonably argue that jumping in the shower for 10 minutes and perhaps running a comb through my hair should be minimal requirements for a wedding party member.

Should societal default wedding attire (and grooming) supersede the groom’s request?

GENTLE READER: How do you suppose the bridegroom is going to be able to tell whether you had a shower? Online, you will not be sniffable.

Hosts, including at weddings, may set the general level of formality, but not specifics. (You had to ask, didn’t you? And you got an answer.)

But Miss Manners would like to help you get around it. Your instinct, that slovenliness will be perceived as disrespect, is reasonable.

Ask the bridegroom what he is planning to wear, and perhaps you should tactfully check with his betrothed, who may have a different idea. If they declare -- believably -- that they, too, will be unkempt, you should dress down.

Still, a wedding is not an everyday occasion, although it can be an extremely informal one. Surely you can devise a presentable outfit somewhere between dolling up and being dirty. It is you, not the bridal couple, who get to choose what that will be.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is the middle of a pandemic a good time to throw a surprise birthday party for a 65-year-old?

GENTLE READER: “Surprise! You have just lost control over whom you will be in close contact with!”

No.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are not having a 50th anniversary party because of COVID. We would like to take a nice trip instead. How do we do this?

GENTLE READER: Presumably you know that Miss Manners is not a travel agent. Therefore, she has to ask herself what could possibly be the etiquette angle of your question.

What comes to mind is not nice: Miss Manners supposes that you would like to get ahold of the cost of any presents you might have received at a party, in order to use the money for travel expenses. She hopes that she is wrong. But if she is right, please stop.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)