DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 22-year-old college student. To avoid having student loans, I work hard and don’t have a lot of funds left over after paying for tuition. Thus, my wardrobe is not exactly high-end. My clothes are always clean and neat, but admittedly my winter coat is showing a lot of wear and tear.

At the beginning of a recent class, my professor told the class (of 12 students) that before we began, someone had a special announcement. Another student pulled out a gift bag, and presented me with a new coat that the entire class had pitched in to buy for me.

She gave a little speech about how some are less fortunate than others, and those who are in a better position want to be a blessing. Several students and my professor were videoing the whole thing on their phones.

After turning crimson from embarrassment, I said “thank you,” then welled up with tears. I think they thought I was crying because I was so touched, but actually I was humiliated. I had never felt so ashamed in my whole life.

They were all so happy and cheering. I just wanted to run out of the classroom, but I stayed until the end of the session, then made a quick exit. I heard that several classmates posted the video on social media.

How should I respond to this? How do I thank them when I am not at all thankful for their embarrassing me? And do I have to wear this coat to class now? They, of course, will notice if I don’t. It is a nice coat, but I’m embarrassed.

GENTLE READER: We have to suppose that they meant well, but this is what Miss Manners would call selfish charity.

The coarsening of society, where solvent people are shameless about asking for money -- as presents or outright funding -- has made them insensitive to feelings of self-respect and pride. They cannot imagine that anyone wouldn’t be thrilled to get something for free.

So you must explain. This is, in fact, a class, so teaching a lesson is warranted.

They will be expecting a torrent of gratitude, so you must begin by acknowledging their good intentions. Then ask them to please take down the video, because it embarrasses you.

Then you must counter assumptions that you are being modest, and explain how you really feel. Miss Manners suggests something like this:

“I believe in charity, and I recognize your charitable motive. Thank you for worrying about me, but I am not a charity case. I am not as well-off or as well-dressed as the rest of you, but I have my pride. I hope you will understand why I cannot accept this.”

Then you could add, “I will be donating this coat to a homeless shelter, and I will do so anonymously, so as not to embarrass anyone.” Or, if you want to keep the coat: “I will be putting aside money until I am able to pay your kindness forward by donating the amount to the truly needy.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been requested to serve as witness to my gay BFF’s online wedding, which I gleefully accepted. However, I am slightly stressed out about how I should physically present myself on the videoconference.

I asked the groom if I should bathe, doll myself up and wear proper wedding attire for this event, in accordance with normal societal etiquette. I offered to wear a dress of his choosing, and -- ugh -- earrings.

However, the groom strongly insisted that I show up online as my true, everyday self. He specified that I should not bathe nor wear makeup, and should attire myself in my usual dirtied T-shirt and sweatpants (which is an accurate characterization of my true, everyday self).

Although the groom and I think this is appropriate, I do worry that others might feel I am being disrespectful of the wedding. One could reasonably argue that jumping in the shower for 10 minutes and perhaps running a comb through my hair should be minimal requirements for a wedding party member.

Should societal default wedding attire (and grooming) supersede the groom’s request?

GENTLE READER: How do you suppose the bridegroom is going to be able to tell whether you had a shower? Online, you will not be sniffable.

Hosts, including at weddings, may set the general level of formality, but not specifics. (You had to ask, didn’t you? And you got an answer.)

But Miss Manners would like to help you get around it. Your instinct, that slovenliness will be perceived as disrespect, is reasonable.

Ask the bridegroom what he is planning to wear, and perhaps you should tactfully check with his betrothed, who may have a different idea. If they declare -- believably -- that they, too, will be unkempt, you should dress down.

Still, a wedding is not an everyday occasion, although it can be an extremely informal one. Surely you can devise a presentable outfit somewhere between dolling up and being dirty. It is you, not the bridal couple, who get to choose what that will be.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is the middle of a pandemic a good time to throw a surprise birthday party for a 65-year-old?

GENTLE READER: “Surprise! You have just lost control over whom you will be in close contact with!”

No.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are not having a 50th anniversary party because of COVID. We would like to take a nice trip instead. How do we do this?

GENTLE READER: Presumably you know that Miss Manners is not a travel agent. Therefore, she has to ask herself what could possibly be the etiquette angle of your question.

What comes to mind is not nice: Miss Manners supposes that you would like to get ahold of the cost of any presents you might have received at a party, in order to use the money for travel expenses. She hopes that she is wrong. But if she is right, please stop.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What are the responsibilities of a bridesmaid?

My wedding was several years ago, but one of my bridesmaids recently contacted me because someone told her that a bridesmaid is supposed to pay for her own dress. At the time of my wedding, I thought it felt odd to ask someone to pay for a dress of my choosing, so I didn’t say anything and paid for all the dresses myself. Though at the time, I certainly would have appreciated the financial help.

Since so much time has passed, I simply thanked my bridesmaid and told her not to worry about the cost of the dress. But it got me thinking about all the other “duties” people claim bridesmaids are responsible for: showers, bachelorette parties, helping the bride with planning, decorations and getting dressed on the big day.

It seems that some of this must be part of the trend of weddings getting out of hand in general. And yet, my own bridesmaids did little more than walk down the aisle and stand there, and I confess I did feel a little neglected at the time. What can a bride reasonably ask of her attendants?

GENTLE READER: To show up at the wedding clothed and sober. At least enough to give the toast.

However, Miss Manners will add to the bride’s responsibilities: not to find ways to harbor newfound resentment years after the fact. While you were not required to pay for the dresses, it was generous. The honor of paying for a dress that will only be worn once is not, in fact, a treat and should be acknowledged, even if not monetarily. Allowing the bridesmaids some choice in the matter would be magnanimous and appreciated.

The long list of things that have become commonplace for the wedding party to pay for includes, but is not limited to: multiple bridal (and sometimes baby) showers with accompanying presents, bachelor and bachelorette parties in far-off tropical places, elaborate and expensive clothing for all such occasions, flights, hotels, and who knows what else. (Although the pandemic has led to charmingly modest weddings, inflated registries seem to have sprung up as compensation.)

Miss Manners has noticed that because of the exorbitant cost, it has also become commonplace to decline the offer, causing rifts in friendships. You might hold on to the warm feelings that seem to have preserved yours by not indulging in feelings of latent neglect and entitlement now.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who endeavors to commemorate my birthday each year, but who generally forgets it. This year, when she realized that it had passed, she harshly scolded me, saying that I should have reminded her -- thus putting the blame squarely on me for her forgetfulness.

I feel as though alerting someone to one’s birthday is self-serving and undignified, making it seem as if attention and presents are being sought. I have no such desires. Nonetheless, I risk the ire of my friend if I do not warn her that it is coming. What should I do?

GENTLE READER: Give her a calendar for her birthday.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)