DEAR MISS MANNERS: What are the responsibilities of a bridesmaid?

My wedding was several years ago, but one of my bridesmaids recently contacted me because someone told her that a bridesmaid is supposed to pay for her own dress. At the time of my wedding, I thought it felt odd to ask someone to pay for a dress of my choosing, so I didn’t say anything and paid for all the dresses myself. Though at the time, I certainly would have appreciated the financial help.

Since so much time has passed, I simply thanked my bridesmaid and told her not to worry about the cost of the dress. But it got me thinking about all the other “duties” people claim bridesmaids are responsible for: showers, bachelorette parties, helping the bride with planning, decorations and getting dressed on the big day.

It seems that some of this must be part of the trend of weddings getting out of hand in general. And yet, my own bridesmaids did little more than walk down the aisle and stand there, and I confess I did feel a little neglected at the time. What can a bride reasonably ask of her attendants?

GENTLE READER: To show up at the wedding clothed and sober. At least enough to give the toast.

However, Miss Manners will add to the bride’s responsibilities: not to find ways to harbor newfound resentment years after the fact. While you were not required to pay for the dresses, it was generous. The honor of paying for a dress that will only be worn once is not, in fact, a treat and should be acknowledged, even if not monetarily. Allowing the bridesmaids some choice in the matter would be magnanimous and appreciated.

The long list of things that have become commonplace for the wedding party to pay for includes, but is not limited to: multiple bridal (and sometimes baby) showers with accompanying presents, bachelor and bachelorette parties in far-off tropical places, elaborate and expensive clothing for all such occasions, flights, hotels, and who knows what else. (Although the pandemic has led to charmingly modest weddings, inflated registries seem to have sprung up as compensation.)

Miss Manners has noticed that because of the exorbitant cost, it has also become commonplace to decline the offer, causing rifts in friendships. You might hold on to the warm feelings that seem to have preserved yours by not indulging in feelings of latent neglect and entitlement now.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who endeavors to commemorate my birthday each year, but who generally forgets it. This year, when she realized that it had passed, she harshly scolded me, saying that I should have reminded her -- thus putting the blame squarely on me for her forgetfulness.

I feel as though alerting someone to one’s birthday is self-serving and undignified, making it seem as if attention and presents are being sought. I have no such desires. Nonetheless, I risk the ire of my friend if I do not warn her that it is coming. What should I do?

GENTLE READER: Give her a calendar for her birthday.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am to meet with representatives of a company to discuss our hiring them for a project. While reviewing their website, I discovered three typos.

I honestly believe they would want to know of these errors, and frankly, as when you notice food in someone’s teeth, I have a strong urge to tell them. But I fear that mentioning it at the start of the meeting would get things off on the wrong foot, and mentioning it at the end would leave a sour taste. If we hired them, we would be working closely with them on the project. Suggestions?

GENTLE READER: How about the middle? Not only should this company want to have that information, but also it will be a factor in your hiring them to represent you.

Miss Manners suggests, “We are impressed with your credentials and think you are a strong candidate for working with us. However, you should know that we pay close attention to detail, and we did find a few errors on your website, which you will probably want to correct.”

How they handle this candor, and whether they accept -- and act upon -- your feedback, will go a long way toward telling you if this is a company with whom you will want to work.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is the rule still in effect that women outrank men socially, unless one has an otherwise higher status? If so, where do nonbinary people (aka enbies) rank? Would I serve female guests first, then enbies, then finally men?

GENTLE READER: This system of ranking does get unnecessarily nosy and complicated in modern society, does it not? In serving situations, Miss Manners therefore suggests switching to ranking by age, starting with the eldest. This may likely garner protests of profiling and reverse ageism, but she trusts that those who are most directly affected will wisely be grateful for the punctual drinks and appropriately temperatured food.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I agreed to be a bridesmaid for my sister-in-law long before the pandemic. If she insists on having the wedding before we’re all vaccinated, and I choose to withdraw my participation, should I also return the bridesmaid’s gift (jewelry) she gave me over a year ago?

GENTLE READER: You should offer it, with your sincerest apologies. If the bride is gracious, she will understand and decline. Either way, Miss Manners suggests that you resist the temptation to accompany the offer with a lecture. However deserved it might be.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I receive a gift card in person from someone, is it proper to just look at the card and acknowledge where it is from? Is it tacky to check the amount? I never quite know what to do, so I just thank the giver for the card without acknowledging the amount.

GENTLE READER: As one should. Sometimes, Miss Manners has found, givers cannot help themselves and will spontaneously blurt out the amount. But if they do not, you can always look it up when you get home to avoid an awkward fumble at the store’s checkout. If you find that it is significantly more than you expected -- and the amount of thanks that you expressed at the time -- you can thank them again when you buy something with it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a condominium association of 241 homes that is governed by a board of owners. I am running for election to the board, having served previously as an officer.

When I sent a campaign email to the owners, I received a reply from a former board member. (He ran for reelection and lost, and is not a candidate now.) He emailed me: “STOP SENDING ME YOUR B.S. AND LIES, EVERYONE KNOWS YOU ARE FULL OF IT AND YOU WILL LOOSE (sic) LIKE THE LAST 2 TIMES YOU TRIED.”

What, if anything, does etiquette say about the response that I should make? Should I:

1. Do nothing; ignore his email.

2. Respond with one of the following: A. You make my point about the lack of civility in discussing issues at the homeowners’ association. When you compose yourself, I would be pleased to meet to discuss your views. B. Could you specifically identify the statements you claim are untrue? C. As you requested, you are removed from my email list.

GENTLE READER: Relationships with fellow condominium owners carry all of the disadvantages of family (you did not, for the most part, choose them, and it is difficult to avoid them) with few of the benefits (unless, perhaps, they are willing to watch your cat while you take a much-needed vacation from them).

Miss Manners therefore proposes the Crazy Uncle Solution, which is to serve your rude neighbor his figurative turkey and let him sit in the corner, while you enlist everyone else’s help and sympathy to minimize the damage he can cause. In this case, that means option 1.B. -- ignoring his letter but pursuing your goal of respectful behavior at meetings.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a proper way to ask someone to repeat themselves? I wear hearing aids, but there are still times when I need a second chance to understand the spoken word!

As a child, I learned not to say, “What?” So among family and friends, I find myself saying, “What’s that?” (which is hardly any better). With acquaintances, I sometimes say, “I’m sorry; I didn’t catch that. Can you repeat it?” -- a rather cumbersome trio of phrases.

Some people say, “Excuse me?” but that has taken on such a haughty sound -- as it is often used nowadays to express offense taken -- that I am uncomfortable using it. “Pardon?” seems odd, because I am not asking for pardon.

GENTLE READER: When grocery stores started telling their clerks to ask customers how they were doing, Miss Manners was deluged by Gentle Readers perplexed by what they saw as a choice between discomfort (“What business is it of his?”) and dishonesty (“But I was having a lousy day”). She had to reassure them that, like blessing someone who sneezes, not every politeness should be taken literally.

The same can be said of apologies, something she routinely recommends as a way to disarm a wide range of behaviors that might otherwise be taken as rudeness (“Excuse me, you are stepping on my foot”). When said nicely, “What?” is not as rude as you think, but you could say, “I’m sorry, could you say that again?” But only if it won’t make you late for your next errand.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)