DEAR MISS MANNERS: In connection with a question about butter pats, a letter writer stated, “I know that dinner rolls and butter are not traditionally part of a formal dinner service.” You didn’t comment about that, but let it stand.

Is that true?

Please define a “formal dinner” for us. Is it when diners dress in cocktail dresses and evening gowns, or is it when a large family has Christmas dinner with children and babies present? Or is it just when we invite friends to meet us at a restaurant? My husband won’t return to a restaurant that doesn’t serve bread and butter with the meal!

I hope you can clear this up for us. My family is very conflicted over this question right now.

GENTLE READER: Please calm down your husband by assuring him that slow-food restaurants will always offer him bread. They must, because their patrons arrive hungry, expecting to then decide what they want to have cooked for them.

This is different from a formal dinner, which typically has several courses that the host has decided upon, and which are timed so that service can begin when the guests are seated.

But Miss Manners cannot get away with that as a definition of a formal dinner -- especially with that use of “typically,” which she threw in because a formal dinner could be three courses or, as at some 19th-century banquets, 18. In any case, there is plenty of food and no waiting, so there is no need to fill up on bread -- although some dishes may be accompanied by toast points or special crackers.

However, breaking the no-bread rule is not a high crime. Miss Manners is not one to deny bread to those who crave it.

Meanwhile, however, the concept of formality keeps changing. For some, it means eating from a table instead of on a tray. And what is now considered formal dress, known as “black tie,” was once informal in comparison with “white tie.”

Today, any staged dinner -- that is to say, one in which an effort has been made to decorate the table, around which everyone is seated at the same time; participants “dress up,” to whatever degree is customary in their circle; the courses are served in turn; and table manners are somewhat restrained, to the extent that bones are not chewed from the hand -- would be considered somewhat formal.

As nightly family dinners like this have become rare, guests are probably involved, and yes, that may include the extended family at holiday meals. Or, in some families, may not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have four children, each born two years apart and in the same month of the year, leading to a variety of observations and comments from many.

Several people have actually gone as far as to ask me how this precise spacing was achieved, and I’m never sure how to reply. Should I give them details?

GENTLE READER: Good gracious, no. Please don’t even give Miss Manners the details.

To your nosy questioners, you should respond, “In the usual way. If you don’t know, please ask someone you know better to explain it to you.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended a meeting at work where a co-worker had a very embarrassing moment. I thought her recovery was remarkable, so I wrote an email about the incident to a friend:

“Melissa farted during the presentation to the exec committee. Yikes! And of course this would happen in front of the whole team in the first-floor conference room. She stood up, introduced herself, and let one rip. Of all the things!! NEVERTHELESS, SHE PERSISTED. Instead of dying of embarrassment, she said, ‘Oh, wow. Excuse me! I wanted to finish with a bang, not start with one.’ Everybody laughed! She and Mark were able to get through it all with no other, ahem, ‘hiccups.’ Mr. Hartley said the presentation was terrific and thanked her for a ‘memorable morning.’ Maybe it was good luck!”

I sent this email to the wrong person, who then tweeted it out for laughs. I didn’t mention her last name or the name of the company. Should I tell my co-worker what happened, or just hope she never hears about it?

GENTLE READER: To what end? To show that you are repentant and will never do it again? Look up. That boat has drifted.

Miss Manners hardly sees any purpose in going out of your way to point out the tweet to Melissa now. If she does find out, you may say that you are sorry and meant the summary to be flattering. To further soften the humiliation, you can let her know that Miss Manners commends her on her graceful recovery -- if not performance.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Watching “Downton Abbey,” I wondered if you would comment on the historical etiquette of inviting a visitor who has an undesirable valet.

Suppose you are the host in a great house of 1920s England. One of your friends has a valet who has committed an unspeakable crime against one of your maids, but she does not wish to pursue it through the police. Naturally you want your maid to be safe and feel comfortable, and not have to see this valet across the table in the servants’ hall.

Can you, in good manners, invite your friend to stay, but specify that he must leave his valet behind? Let us assume that your household is amply provided with footmen, one of whom would be available to help your friend dress while he is visiting. Or must you include the valet of anyone you wish to invite? Is it like inviting the spouse of the person you really want to see?

Alternatively, can you instruct the valet to take his meals in his room and not the servants’ hall? Or is the only way out to give the maid the days of the visit off, with pay?

GENTLE READER: Your first suggestion is the correct one: “We look forward to your visit to Penbrook Manor this spring. I am afraid, however, that we do not have the room to accommodate Algernon. We assure you that one of our valets will be available for any needs you may have while staying here.”

Miss Manners further points out that while social shunning -- or our modern equivalent, “canceling” -- can be decisive and overused, it does have its advantages when legal action is ineffective or undesirable.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am thankful for this past year’s reprieve from family travel expectations. As an introvert, I dread those expectations coming back -- especially when my husband’s mother is such a force of nature.

How is one to deal with a host who rushes her visitors from place to place, exhausting them? I wish for home immediately!

I feel like the opportunity to visit is ruined by her artificial and manic itinerary-keeping. It physically damages my body, and also prevents my husband and me from having sensitive discussions with his siblings. MIL is always in the room, supervising every interaction.

I have heard of one couple using the “busy busy itinerary technique” to wear down critical in-laws, but why do this to younger in-laws, who have not criticized their host?

It says to me, “Let’s get this OVER WITH,” and that my host doesn’t want to be with me or spend time together. The visits are definitely not geared toward my husband’s interests or energy level, nor to mine. I took my cane everywhere on our last visit, and she was horrified for a moment, then completely forgot about it until I needed to sit down. She then scowled the entire six minutes I was seated.

MIL treats us like hostages the minute we arrive at her home. She doesn’t notice or seem to care that we aren’t having a good time with her running around and setting tasks to keep us busy and worn out. MIL is hiding something -- at best, it looks like alcoholism.

It is too unpleasant to return to the old routine of traveling a whole day just to see her act like a toddler kept up too late, and it can’t be pleasant for her, either. If she is hosting out of obligation, it would be nice to get rid of that.

I’m getting a lot of messages from MIL’s manic behavior and drinking that she might not want us to visit -- or that the real people she invited are perhaps different from her imagined son and daughter-in-law. I suspect greatly that she has been inviting us out of habit rather than actively choosing to spend time together.

Do I need to let MIL know in writing that I’m not returning once the pandemic is over? Or is it better to let her forget, as she will, in her busy world? I don’t feel the need to explain.

GENTLE READER: There is no need to explain. And the excuse that one is eschewing social life in favor of safety will fortunately, or unfortunately, be valid for a long time to come.

But as a general rule, Miss Manners assures you that family and overnight guests do have some autonomy when it comes to taxing itineraries and unwanted late-night drinking. “I am afraid that we are not up for a big sightseeing trip today” or “I wish that I had your stamina, but it is time for me to retire” are perfectly acceptable reasons not to be dragged through the mud. Both literally and figuratively.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)