DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a slightly built young woman, and I often become terrified when confronted by (what appear to me to be) aggressive and rude older men.

Such men have confronted me twice about supposed infractions like jumping a line, which I’ve never done. In the first instance, the man’s daughter jumped to my defense. However, in the second instance, I felt quite afraid and alone, and was unsure how to deal with an aggressive man yelling at me.

Can you please advise me as to how to respond in a way that is mannerly as well as assertive? I am from a culture where women are treated with kid gloves and not usually yelled at by strange men. Both these incidents have occurred while I was traveling alone, away from home. I am at a loss as to how to respond.

GENTLE READER: As a slightly built young woman, wondering whether the rude older man in your face is truly aggressive, or only appears so to you, should not be your first priority. Assume that the behavior could escalate.

The question is how to handle it without becoming either rude or a victim. If a small female sales attendant were rude to you, you would not yell at her; you would find a supervisor to intercede on your behalf. The same principle -- getting help -- will work here. Whether that is the man’s daughter, a store employee or a larger person in line next to you, politely ask for assistance in resolving the problem.

Miss Manners assures you that you will win over the entire room, not only the person being asked to help -- and you will make the man look like the bully that he is.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I joined a church when we moved to town a couple of years ago. We chose it partly because it believed in forging connections between its members. Now, all of our church services and events take place online.

There are several affinity groups within the organization, and we were invited to join one that has members of our general age and location. We went to our first meeting as new members, not really knowing anyone, and nobody thought to introduce us or ask us to introduce ourselves. There were only six couples in this group!

We couldn’t figure out what to do, so we just sat there and watched the five other couples having a conversation on our screens.

I know our social skills have all gotten a little rusty lately, but we were really taken aback. I couldn’t think of what to say that wouldn’t have sounded like a reprimand. What would Miss Manners have done?

GENTLE READER: Waited for an opportune moment and introduced herself.

Miss Manners recognizes that this takes gumption, and that is the reason that hosts are expected to save their guests that anxiety by making introductions. You could also call one of the couples afterwards and ask them to make introductions at the next meeting. It is more productive to solve the problem, which may well have been inadvertent, than to worry about the omission.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was in line at the post office, a woman stood directly behind me instead of on the plainly marked circle 6 feet away. I asked her politely to move back to the marker -- not once, but twice.

I was furious when she did not move back. She was less than 12 inches away from me. What else could I have done without causing a scene?

GENTLE READER: Suggest she go first, and then move to a position 6 feet behind her.

Miss Manners realizes that this may sound like rewarding bad behavior, but she assures you that all but the most hardened offenders will find this mortifying. And because you were polite, it will be difficult for the woman to retaliate.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Through an intense elimination diet and intermittent fasting, my aunt has finally achieved a healthy weight after many years of unsuccessful dieting. We are all happy for her, but her fraught relationship with food is ruining the holidays and birthdays my family and I spend with her.

When she hosts and cooks for us, she serves desserts in big portions. When I cook for her, I also serve dessert, while trying to accommodate her dietary restrictions and the expectations of my family. In both cases, at dessert time, she almost always talks about how she never eats sugar anymore, how she does not intend to eat any now, and then finally how she cannot help herself from eating some.

Afterward, she continually talks about how badly the sugar has affected her and how much weight she gained from it.

When she hosts, she sends us home with all the leftover dessert, and I feel obliged to take it even though it is often more than even my big family can eat. And when I host, I feel like I am forcing her to eat something she thinks is bad for her, despite my best efforts to convey politely that no one will be offended if she passes on the birthday cake.

I love her and want her to share in these celebrations with my family but, having a little postpartum weight to lose myself, I do not appreciate being reminded of calories right before enjoying some celebratory indulgence.

Is there any way to shield myself and my family from her weird food anxieties? A big part of her identity is having the “correct” views on food and wellness, so I fear anything I say to her about this will be taken poorly.

GENTLE READER: What would you say to her? That her food anxiety is communicable, a bore, or both? Miss Manners agrees that, even if this were not rude, it would not work. Better to change the subject -- as often as necessary.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am having a birthday party, and my sister-in-law wants to bring her friend whose birthday is the same night as mine. Is it rude of me to say no?

GENTLE READER: No, but Miss Manners recommends doing so on the basis of acquaintance (specifically, lack thereof) rather than competition. And once you explain that you are inviting only your friends, you had better do so.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My classical guitar society meets online now, which is nice because we now have people involved who live around the world.

It’s not so nice, however, when one of our participants performs from his bedroom, where we get to see his unmade bed, the dresser drawers partially open, and this week, a pair of used underwear.

I know I should only focus on his music, which is lovely, and that I should accept him as he is -- but used underwear? Very difficult to ignore. He’s not disheveled in person; he is always well groomed and wears clean clothes.

Should I just get over myself and try to ignore his background, or is there a delicate way I can tell him to straighten up his room?

GENTLE READER: A lost art, which especially needs to be revived in just such situations, is Pretending Not to Notice.

It is true that one should try to be what is called “presentable,” whatever that means in a particular context. But a bit of leeway is necessary. If your house is on fire, it is all right for you to run out wearing your pajamas. If you are just going out to get your mail, perhaps you should add a bathrobe. However, it is incumbent on passersby to pretend not to notice.

If someone has a pimple on their nose, or any other physical irregularity, those who are not intimately involved must pretend not to notice. And that also goes for physical regularities -- such as being tall or short, fat or thin -- which people can’t seem to stop commenting upon.

There are countless other situations in which everyone would be happier if the obvious is not mentioned. And now we have a new one: the background during video-visiting. It has become a sport to evaluate other people’s houses, as glimpsed when they are online for business as well as social reasons.

Please. Miss Manners begs you to stop. Listen to the music and pretend you do not notice the background.

The necessity of being at home during the pandemic has forced people to invite in those who might never otherwise see their homes, let along their bedrooms, kitchens or wherever they have had to improvise a home office. Yes, it would be nice if they presented an attractive stage set. Or if they knew about virtual backgrounds, where you can have any magnificent setting you want, if you don’t mind your head briefly disappearing when you move.

But the viewer also has a responsibility -- not to notice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I speak to people by phone, they talk over me and interrupt me. I feel like it is a one-sided discussion.

With one friend, I had to send her a five-page letter to let her know how she had upset me by discussing a sensitive and charged family situation.

GENTLE READER: Until you mentioned the five-page letter, Miss Manners was totally sympathetic. Whether your friend was pontificating about your family problems or talking nonstop about her own, doing all the talking kills a conversation.

But your taking five pages to say that does plant the idea that perhaps you are not entirely guiltless. And it isn’t just that one person who interrupts, but apparently everyone.

Is it possible that they are the ones who would never get to talk unless they interrupted you? If not, Miss Manners apologizes and suggests that you learn to say, “Let me just finish, please, and then I’d like to hear what you think.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)