GENTLE READERS: What will the post-pandemic wedding be like?

For couples who postponed getting married because of restrictions on crowds, it will presumably be that same pre-pandemic extravaganza:

Three days of parties, invitations to everyone in their personal and business contact files, four-figure (as in money) dresses, bevies of attendants, stylists for hair and makeup, luxurious venues, acres of flowers, separate photographers for still shots and video, party favors, dinners complete with fancy desserts in addition to the sculptured wedding cake, disc jockeys, orchestras, dancing all night, and whatever else an imaginative and avaricious wedding industry can decree necessary.

Miss Manners is not unsympathetic to a yearning for glamour. She only wishes that ordinary life had not become so relentlessly casual as to prompt people who have never experienced any stylistic variety to go wild -- first at proms and then at weddings. Too often, the result has been anxiety, petty quarrels, debt and a tendency, on the part of guests with minimal attachment to the families involved, to treat weddings as free date nights that do not always meet their entertainment expectations.

Other couples may have learned something from the weddings that have taken place during the pandemic. Of necessity, a new pattern has evolved among those who considered the fact of getting married to be more important than the party; these couples have gone ahead and had small, safe ceremonies for their intimates and those who cared enough to tune in virtually.

Typically, these are home weddings (which used to be the most stylish choice for weddings not held in houses of worship), often in backyards, at least in good weather. Wedding dresses are still mostly white and dressy, but not in the previously prevailing style of nearly bare top and balloon bottom. Flowers and food are not overwhelming. Warmth shines from the eyes of the masked guests because their motivation for attending is to witness the marriage, not only to enjoy an outing.

And these couples seem to have achieved what the vast wedding industry promises but does not deliver: the personalized and memorable wedding.

The professionals’ idea of “memorable” is questionable, as so many couples were following the same industry-dictated instructions. And personalization is not accomplished by monogramming napkins and declaring a signature cocktail. Nor, surprisingly, is treating everyone else to a version of the couple’s courtship, to show how much more in love they are than anyone else has ever been.

Rather, it is to be found in making the occasion a gala version of their real lives -- a setting familiar to the couple and probably to many of their guests; a way of entertaining that they enjoy -- rather than an unfamiliar fantasy, especially one that happens to be the same as everyone else’s fantasy.

Bridal couples and guests alike are reporting how personal and memorable they have found these necessarily scaled-down weddings. Perhaps those who postponed their own, or who married but postponed their receptions, will be influenced by them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why do you call your readers “Gentle”?

GENTLE READER: In the hope of encouraging them to become so.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister and I are very close, and we chat about every other week. About a year ago, she moved across the country, so now (and especially with COVID) we don’t have the chance to see each other in person.

She is married and is her daughter’s primary caregiver, so she has her hands full. When I initiate a phone call, it usually goes to voicemail. Whenever my sister calls me (or calls me back), she always makes it a video call, and she always has the phone’s camera fixed on my 2-year-old niece.

I am happy to see my niece and interact with her, but I find it impossible to have any kind of meaningful conversation with my sister in this format. I tend to keep these video conversations brief (about 10 minutes or so).

Months ago, my sister complained that I don’t really talk to her anymore, so I explained that it is difficult when every time we talk, the camera is pointed at my niece. She replied, “Well, (niece) just wants to see you!”

I know she does this same video call thing with my mom, who absolutely loves it -- it is her first grandkid. How can I tell my sister that this is a real problem for me? I know she is sensitive about this topic and I feel like this is a potential minefield!

GENTLE READER: It may be worse than sensitivity. You may be threatening a few precious moments of your sister’s sanity.

While your niece is on the phone with you, her mother may be getting a quick chance to wash a dish or dash off an email. This might be why she is reluctant to change the system.

Miss Manners suggests that you address both problems -- delicately. Ask for separate calls, making certain to start each week with the niece. Then tell your sister that, having spent valuable one-on-one time with the little one, you would now love to have a grown-up chat just with her.

Acknowledging both needs (even if indirectly) and agreeing to do your part will go a long way toward getting your own time together.

And soon enough, your niece will be getting her own communication device and the separate calls can be more defined. Or she will be unavailable -- except to exasperatedly assist her helpless elders with their technology.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Here is a common but difficult conundrum: At the bank, I was greeted by a lovely older security guard. His fly was down. I mentioned it to a gentleman bank employee, who then told the guard. It all felt terribly awkward. Oh, and this probably matters: I’m a not-young woman.

GENTLE READER: Matters how, exactly? Miss Manners is curious if it is the “young” or the “woman” that you consider problematic. Regardless, she assures you that you handled the matter perfectly. A not-old man could not have done better.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a frequent basis, I’m told I look like a former television personality who got caught up on the wrong side of the #MeToo movement. This person is considered attractive by many, so I should be flattered. However, this person is several years older than I am, so it doesn’t necessarily make me feel great.

I realize people are trying to compliment me, but I really prefer not to hear I look like this person -- or any person, for that matter. Is there a tactful way to respond to someone when it happens next?

GENTLE READER: Comparing someone’s looks to anyone else’s rarely goes as intended. Much like witty observations about another’s name, it tends to fall flat, cause insult or has been heard 38,346 times before.

To discourage it, Miss Manners suggests that you say something to the effect of, “Oh, no! I’m sure no one wants to be associated with that person right now.” Or, “Oh, dear! I suppose I will have to up my skincare game.” Realizing that the intended flattery has failed should make people less inclined to press on -- or try it again on others.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper, or even OK, to send someone flowers after their colonoscopy? She is a dear friend.

GENTLE READER: Then do her the courtesy of not referencing the medical procedure on the accompanying card. Miss Manners will now spend the rest of the afternoon trying to get that particular image out of her head.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For my 16th birthday, my grandmother had a very large amethyst made into a custom ring for me. She was not a typical “sweet” grandmother, and this was the only birthday gift I received from her after entering high school. I adored that ring and wore it nearly every day.

A few years later, it went missing. I looked everywhere, but it was gone. More time passed, and I visited my cousin for her wedding. She was wearing my ring on her finger! I have discovered that my grandmother stole it from my jewelry box a few years after she gave it to me, and then gifted it to my cousin.

I have been devastated about this for many years, and will be seeing my cousin soon. I would like to address this and have my ring returned to me, but not embarrass myself, my cousin or our mothers. How should I handle this?

GENTLE READER: Carefully.

You would be accusing your grandmother of theft -- and the rest of your family of aiding and abetting her. In addition, you would be taking something from your cousin that she no doubt values as much as you did -- and to whose nefarious circumstances she was previously oblivious.

Miss Manners suggests that instead you approach the conversation with low expectations of getting the ring returned as you tell your cousin this “funny story” about Nana. If she knows your grandmother as well as you do, she will believe it is possible -- especially if you do not immediately ask her to hand over the ring in question afterwards.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)