DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have owned a very lovely bed and breakfast in a boutique community for 15 years now. In the last year, I have noticed an upswing in guests being wantonly destructive.

For example, we had a woman dye her hair bright red in her bathroom sink and then wipe her hands on the vintage wallpaper, leaving unfixable stains. This guest then disputed the repair charge, which left me with the repapering bill.

Could you recommend a gentle and non-alienating way to ask guests to not to destroy my home? Or perhaps verbiage for a sign? I really do generally enjoy the guests, but I simply cannot afford to repeatedly replace wallpaper and antique paintings that have been stolen right off the wall.

GENTLE READER: Shortly after hoteliers started calling their customers “guests,” they learned the downside of advising the clientele to make themselves at home.

There is, in Miss Manners’ vocabulary, no such thing as a paying guest. She mentions this to provide context for her solution: You are in a business relationship with your customers, which not only gives you the right, but sets the expectation, that you will establish clear terms.

A deposit against damage, and a written explanation that it may be used to return the room to the condition in which it was found, is reasonable and practical. No list of the ways in which a client could damage the property will ever be complete -- and it might give them ideas.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My three friends took me out for dinner for my birthday and paid for everything, as this is something we all do for each other. The next day, two of them talked on the phone and realized they hadn’t left enough of a tip.

One of them called me and said, “I know you won’t like this, but we just realized that we underestimated the tip. We want you to go back and give our waitress $15 more.”

I was offended and stunned, and suggested that one of them do it, since she lives close by. This friend responded, “No, we want you to do it, and I’ll pay for your drink next time we go out.”

I said OK, but now that I think about it, it really bothers me. I would never ask this of her, or anyone. Am I overreacting?

GENTLE READER: Friends ask one another favors. But friends also do not insist on compliance -- particularly if the favor is potentially embarrassing. “We want you to do it” reeks of coercion, not to mention conspiracy.

Had you been able to ask Miss Manners in the moment, she would have advised you to avoid the trap of assuming any responsibility for finding a solution: “I’m sorry, I just can’t.” If you cannot bring yourself to make good on your word, already given, a full-blown apology is going to be required: “I’m so sorry, I agreed because I thought it wouldn’t bother me. But it does; I’m embarrassed. I know I said I would, but please don’t ask me to do this.”

This may be more trouble than delivering the retroactive tip.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Six of us couples take turns entertaining and dining at all but one of our homes. One couple seldom entertains, as the husband is a clean freak who does not want his home dirtied. Additionally, he has stated that it is the inviting couple’s responsibility to prepare a vegetarian dish for him.

We are obligated to invite this pair because of the relationship they have with one of the other couples. Your thoughts/response for these non-reciprocating guests would be appreciated.

GENTLE READER: Your individual is a porcupine of rudeness, or the vegetable equivalent, who sticks you no matter what your angle of approach.

As host, you do want to know he is vegetarian so you can prepare a meal from which he does not go home hungry. But how you solve that problem is up to you.

His refusal to reciprocate violates a basic tenet of hospitality. And his justification -- that he does not want his house sullied -- implies that you are dirty (without the humor of Groucho Marx’s injunction, “Go, and never darken my towels again”).

If he and his spouse cannot be separated from the other couple, then perhaps the other couple can be confided in and asked for a solution. Could the offending pair not host a different type of event, perhaps post-pandemic, away from their home?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been using a small family company to clean my home for the last year or so. It is owned by a lovely couple, but they often bring a third cleaner, who may vary each visit.

Today I was organizing my jewelry box, and found that five pairs of earrings are missing. All are very special to me: gifts for graduations, milestone birthdays and my first holiday with my husband. They were stored in small boxes, and now the boxes are all empty.

I don’t know when they went missing, as these are special things I only wear from time to time. But I would never empty all the boxes at once and misplace five pairs.

I don’t have proof, and don’t want to accuse anyone unfairly. But I am devastated and don’t know what to do. Should I talk to the company owners, and what should I say?

GENTLE READER: Asking for help is far easier -- and will be more effective -- than making accusations. Tell the owners that you are horrified, but you believe you have been robbed and ask if they, or their employees, noticed anything suspicious.

There is no need to finger one of their employees as your primary suspect; they will be wondering the same thing. But by naming the crime, you make clear that you are not just asking if they have seen something you yourself misplaced.

Miss Manners warns you against undue optimism. Your conversation is unlikely to end either with the couple telling you that they found everything next to the dog’s sleeping area and hadn’t gotten around to telling you yet, or that they fired an employee they caught with another customer’s television in her back seat and will be bringing your earrings over tomorrow.

It may end with them saying that they had another customer report items missing, which will provide you with information you can, if the issue cannot be solved more gently, take to the police.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Once, when I was invited to a dinner party, all of us thanked the host/cook after we were seated and started eating. The food wasn’t great, but the other guests started complimenting the host on a delicious meal. I didn’t say anything, because I felt it would be dishonest.

Recently, I found myself in a similar situation: My partner prepared dinner, and I thanked him before we started eating. After dinner, he complained that I don’t compliment his cooking the same way he does mine.

I told the story about the dinner party, and he felt offended. What should I have done in both cases? I chose to keep quiet rather than being dishonest.

GENTLE READER: Well, you are not likely to have the problem again, as that is probably the last dinner your partner is going to cook for you.

It is an odd sense of morality that prohibits encouraging people who have tried to be nice to you. And there are many ways to do so.

Of course, the unfortunate cook should not have asked. But as he did, couldn’t you have come up with something better than a comparison with another bad cook? There are things you can say without using the mendacious word “delicious”: “You’re right; I shouldn’t take you for granted. I do think you are wonderful,” for example, or, “Oh, but this has been a wonderful evening.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an outraged message from my sister because I did not send the large check that was expected for my niece’s wedding shower.

I was specifically excluded from the event because I live in Florida, and the hostess stated that she did not want anyone who lived in Florida in attendance due to the large numbers of COVID-19 cases in the state.

However, they did invite 50 people from all over the U.S. to attend in person, while I was only extended an invitation to “attend” via livestreaming -- I could remotely watch the event, from the arrival of all the guests through the meal and drink service and opening of the gifts.

Maybe I’m behind the times, but in my day, inviting those who were specifically excluded from a party to watch it from afar equated to treating someone like they were not worthy of the honor of being present.

I understand that there is a pandemic going on and that it has changed the way social events are done. If you want to livestream a wedding, baptism, graduation or other event that is typically only observed by attendees, fine. But if the celebratory party afterward is limited to a small number of people, keep it private and perhaps share a few photos afterward. And keep your expectations for gifts limited to those given by people granted the honor of being asked to attend in person.

GENTLE READER: Wait -- all that about prudent and imprudent choices in regard to the pandemic is irrelevant. The etiquette crimes here are: 1. Expecting donations, and 2. Chastising a presumed donor who did not come through. Miss Manners suggests that you confine your indignation to those.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)