DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why is it more polite to evade, deflect or dance around annoying or unwanted behavior?

I can’t stop doing something if I don’t know it is bothering someone, and I frequently wish people would just be clear on what they want, or don’t want, when dealing with me. I can then decide to either amend my behavior or disengage, depending on the circumstances.

Does the average person really feel more comfortable being “handled” than simply being told they have an irritating habit? Why is waiting and hoping that someone picks up unspoken cues that you dislike them/their dog/their politics/whatever non-arrestable offense somehow the more polite option? Why not make your stance clear, and then see if they correct it or opt to just leave you alone after the truth is made known?

GENTLE READER: How do you expect people to react when you say you dislike them? And just why would they then want to correct themselves, as you put it, in the hope of pleasing you?

Do you appreciate being graded by someone with no authority over you, and would you strive to please such a person?

Miss Manners finds the approach you favor particularly offensive because there are face-saving ways to make these points -- pleading busyness to keep from fraternizing with someone you dislike, claiming not to do well with dogs to avoid them, and agreeing not to discuss politics if you cannot do so civilly.

These techniques are exactly what you contemptuously call “handling.”

There are people to whom you can safely say, “Now cut that out; you’re driving me crazy” -- namely, your own minor children. And there are some who will stop when you say, “That bothers me” —- but they are people who know that you are extremely fond of them, if not of their dogs.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are in a couples book group, which has been meeting virtually since the start of COVID-19. Because my sister lives in a remote area, I thought it would be nice to invite her to a one-time session for a particular book discussion, with the permission of the group.

Once the discussion began, she commented that two of the men seemed to be monopolizing the conversation. She was a guest, and the manner in which the comment was delivered stunned me.

Meanwhile, the group decided to spend another session discussing that same book because there was so much left unsaid. My sister is assuming she will be joining again.

I do not feel comfortable with her returning, since I feel she is unpredictable at this point. I am trying to find a way to express this to her in a way that maintains our relationship.

No one in the group said anything to me about her behavior, and for that I was grateful. But how can I tell her it’s best if she does not join again?

GENTLE READER: Some clubs have the rule that a member can only bring a particular guest once, unless that person is a candidate to become a member. If yours does not have such a rule, Miss Manners suggests your proposing one that you can then report to your sister.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a single lesbian woman in my early 30s. Because I don’t intend to stay single, I registered on a Christian dating site that allows LGBTQ people to join. My profile page lists my sexual orientation and I clearly state that I am looking for a woman.

I get quite a lot of responses. Unfortunately, most of them are from men. The men who send me messages fall into three categories:

First, there are the men who clearly didn’t read my profile page.

Second is the group I call “the preachers.” Their messages can be summarized as, “Repent, sinner, for the Kingdom of God is not for people like you who give in to their sinful homosexual urges” -- often accompanied by a couple of verses from scripture. Some leave it at that, while some offer themselves as a date so that they can save my immortal soul by letting me date someone of the opposite sex.

The third group consists of men who respond to “I’m a lesbian” with “Challenge accepted.” I have been told that I “don’t look lesbian”; I’ve been asked whether I’m a “real lesbian” (as opposed to what?); and I’ve been asked how I would know that I’m not attracted to men. Two men flat-out wrote that I just hadn’t been with someone like them (which almost made me throw up).

As a rule, I respond to all personal messages, because I believe that to be the right and polite thing to do. But these men make me question that rule.

What is Miss Manners’ opinion in the matter? Is one obliged to answer a message from someone who clearly didn’t take the effort to read even the most basic information on a profile page?

And how does one respond in a proper way to men who wish to “convert” a lesbian to dating them?

GENTLE READER: No, it is not necessary to respond. But if you feel you must, Miss Manners suggests: “Thank you, but as I stated in my profile, I am only interested in dating women. My preferences are as unlikely to change as your own.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After dinner one evening, a guest was unable to dislodge a bit of food in his teeth. He asked me for a toothpick, showing some disappointment when I couldn’t find one.

The next day, he gifted me with a pack of them, hoping that I would keep them on my dinner table for future use. I graciously accepted them, but quietly put them away.

What is the acceptable usage of toothpicks after meals these days? As much as I want to accommodate my guests, I’m really not crazy about them picking their teeth in front of me, or others, after dinner.

I realize that it was routinely done in bygone days, before the dawn of modern dental hygiene, but times have changed. How would Miss Manners tackle the situation now?

GENTLE READER: By keeping the toothpicks in the guest bathroom, where you may then politely direct your guests saying, “I am sure that you would like some privacy.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I did a DNA test and found out that I am not biologically related to one of my parents, who passed on some years ago. This was subsequently confirmed by my other parent, to whom I am biologically related.

I will confess that this did cause my internal gyroscope to precess a bit, but I am pretty much reconciled to the situation now, and there is certainly nothing to be done about it.

However, one thing did and does bother me. In one of our conversations, my surviving parent referred to themselves with a horrible slur word. I informed them that I certainly didn’t think of them that way, and that I never wanted to hear them refer to themselves that way ever again. I then pointed out that if I ever heard tell of someone else calling them that, that person would get a swift slap upside the head -- since that kind of person is not really worth the effort of making a fist.

I am certain that Miss Manners would disapprove of the action (though not the reason). I would hope that the situation never arises, but if it did, could Miss Manners please suggest what would be the appropriate alternative?

GENTLE READER: To slapping someone in the face? Pretty much any of the other options. Interesting psychology there, too, that people who insult themselves are not then worthy of the effort of hitting someone else who does so.

Miss Manners is indeed aware of your good, if misguided intentions: to get people to stop calling themselves incendiary names. In place of physical harm, she suggests, “I’ll kindly ask you to refrain from insulting the person responsible for my existence, whom I happen to hold in the highest esteem, and to whom I am extremely grateful for any behavior which caused my birth.”

And then refrain from adding -- or asking about -- any further details.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 19-year-old daughter is wonderful in many ways. She is attending a university on academic scholarships and getting excellent grades. The problem is that she seemingly always dresses provocatively.

The most recent was a Sunday afternoon all-female baby shower, held outdoors at a park pavilion. She wore a very short, clingy dress in a pale pink color (looked nude).

I was embarrassed! I am not a prude, and I understand there are times when a young woman wants to look alluring. I have tried to talk to her about the difference between “classy sexy” and “trampy,” and that there is a time and place for everything. She only gets defensive. What, if anything, can I say or do?

GENTLE READER: It is a teenager’s destiny to spend that time dressed inappropriately.

However, Miss Manners encourages you not to succumb to the distasteful idea that one should dress modestly so as not to give others “the wrong idea.” That notion is insulting and outdated.

Instead, she suggests that you appeal to your daughter’s sense of professionalism. “You know, soon you will be applying for internships and jobs, and knowing how to dress for the job that you want can be so important. Contacts and connections can be formed anywhere, so you might be wise to start practicing now.”

But if your motherly warnings do not take, rest assured that the phase will not last long. And you will have lots of embarrassing photographs with which to taunt her in the future.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)