DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a close girlfriend who was to be married this month, and in whose wedding (now postponed) I am a bridesmaid. She knows that my boyfriend and I are close to becoming engaged, and that I don’t care for a long engagement or the big to-do of a traditional wedding. She has said to me more than once, “Don’t get married before me!”

Well, I could’ve managed that before learning that I carry the BRCA1 gene, but not now. Due to my diagnosis and my age (late 30s), my oncologist’s recommendation is to get pregnant ASAP if I want a child, which I desperately do. My wonderful boyfriend is 100% in with expediting our plans to become engaged, have a small courthouse wedding and start trying for a baby.

What am I going to say to this friend who views this as a race to the altar? I want to respect her, but she doesn’t have the biological constraints that I have. I’m afraid that if I proceed with a quick elopement, it will damage my friendship with her.

GENTLE READER: Sympathetic as she is to your situation, Miss Manners assures you that you do not need a serious medical condition to handle your friend’s unreasonable, and unenforceable, demand.

Make your plans, and if your friend raises an objection, tell her that all these years you thought she was just being funny. If you can say this with a laugh that sounds joyful, and not scornful, do so; if not, merely feign astonishment.

If she does not laugh with you, turn serious, as if you are on the verge of being offended, but are not yet: “This is the date that works for us. I thought, as my close friend, you would be happy for me.”

Omitting your medical history means you will not see her face fall when you confront her with it, but surely that is a mean-spirited pleasure -- hardly worth the loss of decorum.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am the treasurer for a volunteer organization, and my duties require me to write checks for various expenses, as you would expect.

There is a woman who, when she needs a check for a deposit or honorarium or such, always phrases her request as a peremptory demand.

I wonder if there is a polite way to ask her to say “please” or some equivalent, so I don’t feel like her minion or unappreciated secretary. Can you help me with this personal problem -- er, please?

GENTLE READER: Your problem is not a personal one, but a professional one -- even if you think of the organization as something more charitable than a business. Unpleasant customers are all too common, and, while business etiquette does not allow you to discipline or correct them, there are ways to make the interaction less painful -- at least for yourself.

Miss Manners recommends that you emphasize the professional aspect of the transaction, perhaps by creating a format (or, heaven forbid, a form) that members can submit through an established channel. This will minimize your contact with the person in question and, as an added bonus, annoy her as being bureaucratic and officious.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was in my previous job for almost seven years, working under a boss who wasn’t the best. He was temperamental, and told me I was “too smart to promote” despite years of loyal service. When COVID hit, an opportunity came my way to move into a new role and a new department within the company.

I asked the hiring manager multiple times when I should notify my boss, and was either brushed off or told that she would approach him at the right time. I didn’t push because I knew it wasn’t guaranteed that I would get the job, and conventional wisdom says you shouldn’t notify your boss when you are interviewing.

I got the offer (yay!) but the next morning found out my old team was going to be restructured, which ultimately meant people would be laid off. Not wanting to look like I was bragging about my luck, I didn’t tell a lot of people on the team about my new role.

I later found out that no one ever contacted my boss, and he found out at the same time he learned of the restructure/layoff. He’s not big on confrontation, but told other co-workers that his feelings were hurt.

Now I’m unsure how to address this. He’s the first manager I’ve had since graduating from college, so I imagine I’ll need him as a reference at some point. I also feel I owe him a bit of loyalty for taking a chance on me. I worry about the impact this may have on my professional relationship.

I work in a Midwestern city that operates like a small town. What do you think? Is it worth it to try and reach out? If so, how do I handle this situation?

GENTLE READER: One of the unpleasant, but unavoidable, requirements of leaving a job is telling the boss that you are going. (If you are enjoying this step, you are probably not doing it right. Telling your boss that he was a pig and you can’t wait to see the department explode after you leave may be momentarily gratifying, but will come back to haunt you.)

Miss Manners does not make an exception for moves within a company -- or for an inattentive hiring manager who foolishly promised to relieve you of the burden. Fortunately, this can be fixed. Tell your boss that you appreciate his taking a chance on you when you were just starting out; that you will always benefit from what you learned working for him; and that you want to apologize for not saying something to him at the time.

Then flatter him: You are, as he knows, inexperienced in changing jobs, and it was painful to think that you might be disappointing him. If you do this right, whatever recommendation you eventually get from him may even be better than the one he would have written if you had given him fair warning.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What kind of lesson do students learn when teachers dress in gym clothes, blue jeans, spandex tights or bosom-revealing tops? Teachers need a strong reminder, from their administrations and school boards, that dressing appropriately and professionally models an important life lesson for our youth.

GENTLE READER: OK.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the etiquette if you accidentally see someone naked -- say, in the house that you share?

I went to brush my teeth quite late at night, later than I am normally up, and my housemate threw open his door -- stark bollock naked -- to find the cat.

We each managed to stammer out a “sorry” as we went to different rooms, and I also let out a “No worries.”

I did have a chuckle. But I am curious, what would the etiquette be in this situation?

GENTLE READER: Did he find the cat? Why was it missing?

That is the only subject in which you should show an interest. But as long as you kept the chuckle out of his hearing, Miss Manners assures you that you handled it well.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one deal with false modesty?

I found myself caught flat-footed when chatting with a textile artist. I joked that he could be the one to help me with my blanket stitch, and he responded that his handwork wasn’t very good.

Fine; I’d been mostly kidding anyway. But then he went on to give a rather extended account of his resume -- from college professor in a textile department to heading a very important craft council, teaching handwork all the way.

I found myself complimenting him, over and again, which he surely sought. At the same time, I was a bit miffed he’d been so disingenuous at the start and left me to fawn over his accomplishments, which he’d claimed not to have in the first place. My request for help with a simple stitch and his saying he didn’t have the required talent were becoming more inane each passing minute, until I was left feeling foolish, not to mention speechless.

Similarly, my husband, a scratch golfer, will only say he “plays a little golf.” I suppose that is better than claiming he can clean everyone’s clock, but I find it grating nonetheless.

Therefore, I must ask: What’s the best way to respond to an accomplished person who claims they aren’t?

GENTLE READER: Is it possible that being experts has made them genuinely modest -- because they know how much else there is to know, or because they know greater experts?

Nah, they’re probably just fishing.

Even so, Miss Manners prefers that to blatant bragging, which is now so common, and can be broadcast throughout the world online. So she would just play along and supply the compliment. It is an easy way to make someone happy.

But if you must protest, you can say, “Now you’ve embarrassed me. You’re obviously an expert in the field, and yet you let me make a fool of myself because I didn’t know that.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What are the manners dictated for when or if someone should be corrected for a mistake in public?

GENTLE READER: Presumably you are not talking about classrooms, courtrooms or other venues where strict truth is pursued. Elsewhere, the answer is never, which is why Miss Manners advises parents to cultivate a subtle expression that conveys to a small child, “Just wait until I get you at home.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)